No computer... in your dreams!

Hey again... so life is good again, I guess. Don't feel like crying anymore which is a good thing, right? I'm saying so. My talk with Lee tonight did a mood good. We talked for almost an hour about just normal shit and it was good. He said that he would call again tomorrow. We talked a bit about the whole Jay/game situation and he sort of game me some insight.

Speaking of that, Jay got home and apologized for last night. Think that was the first time that he has done that and I was surprised. We sort of talked about it then and pretty much got over it. Like usual, I guess. However... he did not turn his computer on. Reasons running through my head as to why he did not do this... 1. He knew I was mad about last night so was trying to make up for it tonight. 2. He was too tired from staying up so late that he was going to forgo computer time tonight for sleep. 3. He saw that Lee was going to call and didn't want to go on so he could hear what we were talking about. None of these fell into the category of I WANT to spend time with Ashley or Ayden. So when the phone call came, I went into the bedroom (as Jay was watching TV and I didn't want to be interupting his TV watching) and I heard him start his computer. Fine with me, might as well do something you like rather than worrying about what I'm talking about. Luckily after the phone call he came into the room, we talked, and we didn't fight! Yeah! We talked about the phone call and we talked about his game and got more out into the open. He apologized once again and felt bad for what he was doing and said he would try and make a conscious effort to try not to play so much. Part of me thinks this is a step in the right direction. Only time will tell, right? I want to believe that things will change and that he will WANT to spend more time with me and not just feel obligated about it. We talked about that as well and he assured me that he always wants to spend time with me and etc... I don't have a problem believing that as I know that he loves me. But everyone has a few insecurities, right?

Currently, he is playing his game, but it's only 9:37pm and I'm okay with it. It's when he comes to bed after midnight that I don't like. He told me that he has a quest that he wants to get completed tonight as he has been trying to get it done for about a month now and finally he has people to help him. He didn't really say how long it would take it get done. I know they can take a while, whatever it is that you actually have to do for them I don't know, I just hope it isn't until 3am. I'll try and not be mad about it if it does take that long again as this is something that he has wanted to do for a while now. He said that if the weather is bad tomorrow again they will not be working. Part of me wants the weather to be bad so he can stay home, firstly because its nice when he can stay home, and secondly, JT (his best friend) is back in Point for a day or so and will probably come over if Jay doesn't have to work and they haven't seen each other in a while. They talk all the time of course, but it's a little different being able to see someone.

I'm looking forward to a bit of a better day tomorrow. With any luck it will be!
CIAO! LOVE ME!

Can I Cry?!

It's a morning of wanting to cry. Not so upset that I actually will cry, but I feel like I could. I thought I could get past the whole World of Warcraft game thing, but it's hanging on by every thread that it can. Jay came to bed at 3am last night, or more correct this morning. Now, he's an adult, he can come to bed whenever he wants. He knows he has to get up for work in the morning. So whatever, still I can't get over the fact that he would rather play his stupid game than spend time with me. And since I woke up when he came to bed and saw the time, I was pissed and couldn't get back to sleep until after 5am. I was so close to going out to sleep on the couch because I didn't want to be near him. And he knew I was mad. He told me he had to talk to me about something that had happened on his game in the morning. I was like whatever, don't really care about ANYTHING that has to do with your game. So this morning he tells me what happened last night. Some person in their little group of imaginary characters was being pretty mean and they kicked him out. He proceeded to write Sam this nasty email of which she got really upset about and Jay had to spend all night trying to console her. Well as I so told him... it's not so hard to say, listen up people, I have to get going because I want to spend time with my family and I was pretty sure she wasn't on the phone crying at 10pm when I went to bed. From 8pm until 3pm he was playing that stupid game... that's almost as long as he worked yesterday!!! I don't have a problem with him consoling a friend, but if he would WANT to spend time with me, he wouldn't have been stuck in that situation because he wouldn't have even been on the fucking computer. One other thing that is sort of bugging me is what he told me the other day. He told me that he talked to Sam (alls fine with that), but I'm pretty sure he said that she called him. Now I can't be sure on this, but when I checked his phone, yes I had to be sure, he called her. What's up with that?! But maybe I just can't remember correctly or maybe he just said that they talked.

The really mean part of me wants to text her saying that while she was belly aching about thinking she was a bad mother (because of the rude email she recieved) she really was making Jay be a bad boyfriend. But I can't make myself do that because first it is mean and secondly it is bound to get back to Jay and that will make things even worse between us. So, for right now I will just leave it be. I really just wish that he would WANT to spend time with me and not feel obligated to when I get upset that he is on the computer. I want him to WANT to spend time with me, but not to just do it to make me feel happy. I want him to WANT to be with me, and not just to get a piece of ass. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't 'use' me like that, however sometimes when he does come to bed 'early' I assume right away that he has ulterior motives rather than just wanting to be with me. Maybe if he wouldn't let me go to bed alone so many nights in a row it wouldn't be like that.

And along with that wanting... I wish he would WANT to do things with Ayden and not feel obligated to because Ayden asks. I want Jay to WANT to take Ayden outside and play some golf or what not, but it's always me coming up with things to do with Ayden and then trying to drag Jay along. I know that some days after long hours working you just want to sit down and relax and having a child doesn't always allow you to do it, but aren't your kids supposed to come first? Like, I know what it feels like to just want Ayden to leave me alone for a few minutes, and I'm sure any parent does, but the vibe of 'I HAVE to do this' comes off from Jay more than the 'I WANT to do this'. And then here I sit thinking, am I making him sound like a bad father? He's not a bad father, but he's not as involved as I would like him to be either. At least not on the aspect that I want I guess.

So, I got a letter from Lee today... FINALLY! And he is going to call me tonight. It makes me feel good because then at least I will have someone to talk to about it all because Niki is too into her own problems to even ask how things are going with me. But then again, that is usually the way things go between us because even when things were good for her, it was still all about her. Like, thanks for asking how my day was or how Jay or Ayden are. The center of my life, Ayden, and you can't even simply ask how he is. Yet I spend hours upon hours listening to your stories over and over. Well, I could be self absorbed and just start talking about me, but you know what happens, because I've tried this, she interupts with something about her life and takes it from there. Guess I'm better suited for listening then... and thus is what I will continue to do.

Guess I will write more later on how the rest of the day goes and whether or not Jay and I even talk when he gets home. Who knows? CIAO! LOVE ME!

Another book down...

It's about to storm outside and I probably shouldn't be on my computer, but what the heck, right? Not like it's lightening out or anything, at least that I can tell. I can hear some thunder, but no rain yet so that is good. They (being the weather people) say that the weather tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be kind of icky. Too bad Ayden and I didn't get outside more today. But he really didn't want to. I asked him after his nap if he wanted to go to the beach and he said that he didn't. We did go outside and draw some roads with the sidewalk chalk and drove some cars and trucks on the roads. We had fun with that and afterwards we came inside to play some games. We fished for some letters and cruised through two games of candy land. I won both times and Ayden didn't much care for that, but he's got to learn. It was funny though because every time that I would get ahead of him he would say 'I get mad when you are winning' and he said it with such a serious face. I couldn't help but laugh, but he needs to learn that he can't win at everything. Currently he is on the couch wrapped in his blanket wimpering that he doesn't like storms and laughing inbetween every attempt at pretending to be scared. I don't think he really gets scared, but I've told him more than once at night that if he ever needs mom or dad that he should come into our bedroom and wake us up and not to worry. I remember when I was young always being nervous about waking my mom or dad up about something (ie: not feeling good or whatever) and I don't want Ayden to be scared.

While Ayden was taking a good nap today I managed to finish yet another book. The ending was super stupid, but the overall book was okay. Nothing super great, but I don't regret taking the time out to read it. I don't know what I will read next or if I will start another one right away. I am in the process of making a little video montage of Ayden. Something I am putting together for his birthday party invitations. Speaking of birthdays, Ayden was invited to his first birthday party today and it is this weekend. It is the party of his best friend at daycare. Seth, or Setherdoodle as everyone there calls him. Those two are attached at the hip when they are at daycare. It is too cute and of course we have to go. I am going to take Ayden shopping tomorrow for a gift for him.

Work was good today. I got started on a new project of which I think my boss is thinking will take awhile and I'm thinking I could probably have it done in like three weeks or possibly less. The project itself is going to be pretty interesting because I get to look through everyone's business plans and I like to read about what they are aspiring to do.

So my friend and her ex had a good talk yesterday and apparently he told her that when he is ready for a girlfriend he will let her know. In my opinion, she has become a girlfriend of convience and thus of course is going to wait around for him, no matter how long it is going to take. And in the mean time I have to be the supportive girlfriend when she tells me about all the good talks and visits and then starts analyzing everything and starts thinking everything is fall apart a day later. Like I said before, the guy has done nothing bad, but I don't think they should get back together.

New episodes of Little People, Big World and John and Kate Plus 8 tonight. Yeah! I should really check to see if there is any news on when Prison Break will be starting up again. I can't believe that I haven't thought of Wentworth Miller in over a week. Lol... his sweet face has not crossed my mind at all. And such a sweet face it is.

CIAO! LOVE ME!

Not in the mood...

Jack- Is it a bad thing when you tell your three year old that you are not in the mood to read him a bed time story? I'm thinking so and that is precisely what I told Ayden tonight. I am pretty crabby and really just want to be alone. I used the excuse that I read to him earlier today, which I did and I read two pretty long books, but I know I probably should have read to him tonight too. He went to bed a litlte late as well and just finished off his ice cream from yesterday so he probably won't fall asleep for a while. I'm crabby because I went on a semi cleaning spree tonight and pretty much did it all by myself. Jay packed the dishwasher, but that's about it. I washed down the counter, piled the toys (Ayden was in charge of moving the pile into his room), cleaned the table off and put the rest of the miscellaneous stuff away while he got mad at me for telling him to take the recycling out. As I so nicely stated to him, if I don't tell him to do it, it won't get done. And where does he precisely place his butt after I tell him to get Ayden out of the tub, right down in front of his fucking computer! And then he wonders why I get mad.

What really irked me was the fact that yesterday Ayden was eating some doritos and ripped the bag down the side. I asked Jay to tape the bag or something and put them away before he came to bed. So this morning they were still out and he suggested throwing them away because they were probably stale. Mind you, this bag is at least half full, if not more so and he thought that one night of sitting out would make them go stale. I responded by, why don't you try one to see if they are. He did and aparently they weren't stale because they ended up sitting on the counter for another half hour. I finally asked him if he was going to do something with them and he asked what he should do. I said, I don't know tape the bag or put them in a plastic bag. So, he puts them in a plastic bag and sets them back on the damn counter. How hard is it to but the plastic bag where the chips go, which mind you, is in the cupboard right below the counter. Seriously, does it take that much more effort. I was peeved!

So... needless to say, I just need to vent a little bit. What is a girl to do? At least the apartment is semi clean again. Ayden's room has toys in a pile and the laundry is in a pile on the floor in our room as well, but that will get solved tomorrow.

Oh, another thing that has been increasingly beginning to bother me is Jay's personal hygenie. Okay, so he's not like a shower neglector or anything. He will shower everyday after he gets home from work and what not. However the weekends really bug me. Here's the situation... he showers Friday night after work and thus doesn't shower Saturday morning. Fine with me, but then he neglects to shower Saturday night as well and then he didn't shower this morning either citing he would later today. Later today has come and he has yet to shower. You know when he is going to shower, probably at 1am when he decides to crawl into bed. And what disgusts me even more is the fact that he is going to shower and then climb into bed and get all dirty again. Seriously, you can't think that your bed is as clean as you think it is. That is unless you wash your sheets everyday and we do not. We wash them maybe once every two weeks, so that means all of your dead body cells get rubbed off onto the sheets and Jay sweats when he sleeps so after his nice clean shower he crawls into a bed of sweat. Like that does any good! Ugh, I just think it is gross! Maybe I'm a paranoid clean freak, but I need to shower everyday. If need be I can go a day without showering, say we are camping, but I don't necessarily like it. Also, my hair is super fine and thus gets greasy feeling very easliy and I HATE that feeling. The final straw is Jay's lack of teeth brushing. For some weird crazy reason I became addicted to brushing my teeth while I was pregnant and would brush them twice a day religiously (although they say you should anyways) and well it has slowly progressed to for sure at least once a day, sometimes twice for me. I admit, I cannot get myself to floss no matter how many times I tell my dentist that I will. Anyways, I'm lucky if Jay brushes his teeth once a week and that's after me telling him to. I feel bad for saying he needs to brush his teeth more, but honestly, it's no fun kissing someone with raunchy breath. I try, but I guess some habits are hard to break, eh? I've gotten over him not having straight teeth, but I won't ever get over not having clean teeth. What is he showing Ayden by not brushing them. I dunno...

Got to pay some more bills this week, unfortunately. But hopefully we won't get anymore which would be a good thing...

CIAO! LOVE ME!

Can't Predict the Future

Jack... no one can predict the future and that is probably one of the scariest things in our world. As proof of this I recieved a phone call yesterday from my best friend stating to me that she is once again single. This after I personally thought that her and her current boyfriend would get married one day. This after me being jealous of how perfect everything seemed to be working out for her. This after I never thought it would happen. And low and behold it did. I couldn't believe it when she told me. And the excuses he used for breaking up were pretty pathetic, but what am I to judge. The one thing that bugs me is that he told her that there is a good chance of them getting back together in the future. The future being anywhere from 6 months to a year down the road. So do you want to know what is going to happen now, she is going to sit around and wait for this guy until he says he is ready for a girlfriend again. And in the mean time I am going to have to sit and listen to her complain about how much she loves him and misses him and wants to be with him. And I am going to have to be the best friend and tell her it will happen when the time is right. And then if/when they do get back together I will have to listen to her incesent wondering if he is going to break up with her again. Okay, so I only met the guy once and he seemed nice enough and all the stories I heard about him from my friend were great. He did nothing bad, was a super boyfriend. But in all honesty, I DO NOT want them to get back together. He broke her heart once... it means he can do it again. If I had his phone number I would seriously give him a piece of my mind... probably more than just a piece. Like seriously, don't break up with her and then continue to call her honey on the phone. I don't know, just my opinion...

Gripe number two for the day... Jay and his not getting up with Ayden this morning. Okay so pretty much every weekend Ayden will wake up and come into our bed and wake up Jay and myself. And pretty much every weekend I get up with Ayden and come out into the living room with him, turn on some cartoons and get him something to drink/eat. And during this time Jay just continues to lay in bed and sleep. Well, I heard Jay come into bed at 3am (and yes, I am more than a little disappointed) and thus decided that when Ayden did not sleep in and got up at 7am that Jay would be getting up with Ayden and not me. Ayden wakes up, I kick at Jay and say take care of your son. He takes Ayden out into the living room, gets cartoons on and Ayden some chocolate milk and then proceeds to climb back into bed. I was irrate and got up two minutes later and came out by Ayden. I know Ayden didn't need anyone out by him, but it's just kind of nice. I wouldn't have cared if Jay even fell back asleep on the couch, someone needed to be at least half awake to make sure he was okay. You can't do then when you are fully sleeping in the bedroom. So I layed on the couch and drifted in and out while Ayden watched cartoons and Jay slept in the bedroom. Jay knew I was mad, but I refused to talk to him. Seriously, can't I ever get to sleep in in our bedroom?

Gripe number 3... Jay and his inability to pick anything up or do anything in the apartment! I asked him two days ago to clean the damn litter box and it still isn't clean! First off, I shouldn't have to ask, he should just do it every day, or at least check everday to see if it needs to be done. Secondly, it was his damn idea to get the cat so he should take better care of it. Thirdly, all he has done all freaking weekend is play that damn game! Once again, I am getting sick of it. Well, I can sit and ignore you all day too! It's pissing me off again! I admit, he did come to the park with us yesterday, but I could tell that he didn't really want to as he didn't go down any slides or anything. I just have to keep thinking, at least he came. But like the rest of our apartment is a giagantic mess. I've been slacking on the cleaning, partly because I don't want to and partly because I want to see if Jay does anything. The garbage in the bathroom is over flowing, there are towels on the floor (I was going to do laundry today, but it has moved to a tomorrow thing) dishes everywhere, toys everywhere, papers all over the table, etc... Just don't feel like cleaning.

I love the warm weather that we are having today! The temperature on our clock says that it is 84 degrees outside and that is great! Walk in the grass barefoot kind of day! I read for a while outside while Ayden was napping (because he got up early, he still got a nap in today) and that felt really nice. Looking forward to more of that this summer. Speaking of reading, the first chapter of Breaking Dawn is now out, in the special edition of Eclipise, but I also found it online, and it was probably a bad idea for me to read it because now I can't wait even more for the book to come out. If the rest of the book is half as good as the first chapter it will be a good read! Well, it will be a good read none the less. I am tempted to go and get the book The Host by the same author and read that. I've heard good things from others who have read it.

We were going to go to the beach today, had the sand toys ready and was going to get the sunscreen and then Ayden up and changed his mind and said that he didn't want to go. Fine with me I guess. Jay is going to grill out some chicken and potatoes for supper. Yummy yummy! And the weather really is pretty great. His parents got to take the boat out today. Kind of bummed that we missed it because we didn't go home, but there will be plenty of other opportunities I am sure.

Right now Ayden is watching Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End (the third one). We watched the other two the previous two days. Another movie that he probably shouldn't be watching, like Jurasic Park, but he likes them enough and they are super bad horror or slasher movies so I figure it is okay. Plus, it is actually a Disney movie. Aren't all Disney movies good for kids? Lol, probably not, but it's the thought that counts, right?

The airshow is going on today and we have been hearing airplanes go over our apartment all day. Some not too loud and others right above us that sound like they are going to crash right into the building. We did get to see one doing some stunts from the parking lot which was pretty neat. Ayden thought it was pretty cool. It would go up and down and look like it was going to crash. Pretty crazy pilot if you ask me, but I am sure they know what they are doing. Wouldn't catch me riding with him though. Lol...

Back to work tomorrow. Fun fun, hopefully there will be something to do. Until then.
CIAO! LOVE ME!