{many faces}

It has been an average week around here at our household. Nothing out of the ordinary has been going on, other than the fact that Jay has made two loaves of banana bread and two loaves of chocolate chip zucchini bread and it is doing nothing for my diet. Wait, my non diet, haha! It has been a cheater week around here and the scale has not been nice to me. Tomorrow is a new day, right?! Yes. I will start again tomorrow. I have been good about working out though, and the scale has yet to hit 120.0 lbs, although I’m sure if I stepped on it tonight it probably would. It read out 119.8 Thursday night. I’m trying to pretend that wasn’t right though. I am starting to incorporate more cardio though and I need to start moderating my snacking. That is what gets me!I had a good week at clinic. I am looking more and more forward to starting my externship and seeing patients every day. I know that it will be quite an adjustment in my life, along with everything else at that point in time, but we will just go with the flow and make our way through it. As each day passes it brings me one day closer to the end of the semester. I cannot believe that after next week we will be on spring break already. I am definitely ready for a week of no class or clinic. I actually took off work on that Monday and Friday as well and am hoping that we can get some organizing done at our house. As much as I would like to wait and go through everything when it is time to start packing up and move, I know that I will probably be overwhelmed with regular end of the semester stuff at that point in time. It won’t hurt to get ahead start on things.I think as each day passes, I get a little more frightened about what the future holds. I try not to show it to anyone and only express how excited I am about everything that is about to change in our lives, but honestly, sometimes it scares the crap out of me. I know that in three weeks or less I will be starting the ‘single’ parent routine at our house and missing Jay every day as he starts his new job and lives with his parents for the week. I know that Ayden and I will be okay, I’ve said it before, but I also know that it will be very hard on me. I have done the ‘single’ parent thing twice before. The first time was when Ayden was a baby and at four months old, Jay was accepted to UW Stevens Point for the spring semester after being weight listed and he didn’t have any choice but to go. For five months I took care of Ayden by myself during the week and we only saw Jay on the weekends. I was living at my mom’s house during that time, so I was not completely alone, but I was Ayden’s primary care giver and I rarely asked for help. I won’t deny that there were probably times where I asked my mom to take care of Ayden for an hour or so while I got some homework done, or that my sister wanted to hold him, but I didn’t pawn him off all of the time. Some weeks were easier than others and because Ayden was not sleeping through the night yet at that point, I know Jay got the brunt of my hard times by me not talking to him online or witching at him on the phone or even hanging up on him.The second time was a couple of summer’s ago when Jay was gone for six weeks at the beginning of a summer. He had to attend some summer school type thing for his major at that time. It was another one of those, we got to see him on the weekend type thing. That time also sucked, but I think it was a little bit easier than the first time because it was the summer and I did not have class to worry about and only worked in the mornings. Ayden and I hung out in the afternoon and the six weeks went fast. Once again, I’m sure I had my good and bad days, but we made it work.

I think my biggest fear about this time is the responsibility that I now have. I mean, I’ve always had to take care of Ayden, that is a give, but he is older now. Older means more self sufficient… I can get him up in the morning and he can pick out his clothes and get dressed himself and most mornings get his own breakfast. Older also means that I need to make sure he has all of his homework done every night and that he isn’t falling behind in school. Older also means he has his own attitude and although my sweet little boy and I usually get along, I won’t deny that even we have our moments. I know that we will pull each other through the week when Jay is gone. I also know that during April I will be preparing for the Praxis and finishing up my capstone. Of course everything comes due during that time. I know we will make it through, but it just helps to get all of my feelings off my chest.

Along with all of my fears about the next couple of months, I have fears about after we move too. Our current living situation has allowed us the independence we have needed to solidify our family, our roles, our relationship, and meld ourselves into the adults we needed to be in order to make it in life (although, I know we haven’t quite made it yet). I don’t want to move home and start relying on our families too much because we are living closer to home. I love my independence and will do my best to accomplish what I can on my own. It is who I am. I’m more scared of Jay leaning on his family a lot more. Don’t get me wrong, family is great and I am thrilled to be moving closer. No more long drives! However, I am not prepared to see our families every day or even every week. On average, I go ‘home’ about once a month. Jay… probably closer to twice. You can probably consider it unfortunate that we do not go home just for the heck of it, but always for a purpose. It is very hard for me to go home and spend a weekend doing nothing with our family. Maybe it’s the fact that we spend the majority of our time at Jay’s family’s house and I can’t stand spending hours upon hours doing nothing in somebody else’s house when I could be doing that at my house. Not that I don’t enjoy Jay’s family because I do. In that respect, it will be nice to go over for supper on occasion or have them over and not have to drive. More time together, but shorter times, make sense?! Mostly, I want to maintain our sense of autonomy that we have built here and I’m sure I am overreacting at this point. I need to sit back, chill, and take things one day at a time. Please help me remember that! I’m sure this will be just another one of many posts out our impending future. I hope you stick with me and don’t stop reading when I continued to talk myself blue in the face about this situation. Ugh! Time to chillax for the night!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{practice for the praxis}

I've probably mentioned before that as a part of my schooling I have to take this wonderful test called the Praxis. You might be familiar that teachers have to take and pass this exam to get licensed (among other degrees). The Praxis test that I have to take is similar, but it focuses on audiology questions and not education questions. The test is 120 questions long and is multiple choice. I am fearing this test! I will be taking it on April 28th and have just started the studying process. The majority (if not all) of the Madison students will be taking the test this coming weekend on March 10th. There was no way that I would have been prepared to take it this weekend. You can take this test multiple times, but costs like $100, so you don't really want to have to.

I am an okay test taker. I did well enough on the ACTs in high school to be accepted into UW Madison. I passed the GRE with a good enough score to get accepted into grad school... a program that only accepts about 5-6 students per year (not that I know how many students actually applied during my year). I should do fine on the Praxis, but this is a culmination of all of our audiology classes. Fabulous, right?!

During some down time at clinic yesterday, I took my first practice test. I left the answer key at home to score it at night because I didn't think I would have so much down time during clinic. I was a little nervous about my answers though. If I'd have to guess, I probably got 60 to 70% correct. Turns out, I got 65% correct. Not too shabby for not having done any studying and sort of flying through it by the seat of my pants. You need to score a 600 or better on the test to pass. I tried to find out how many questions correc that was, but I couldn't find anything. That sort of bummed me out because I wanted to see how close I was to passing without having done any major studying. Oh well, better get my butt into gear no matter what.

I am getting mildly overwhelmed with my capstone project right now. I am having a hard time drawing conclusions from my study. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Well, I have like 50 some graphs to look at and don't really know where to start. I've sent an email to my advisor in hopes that she can sort of guide me in the right direction... we shall see!

Did I mention that my seven year old now knows how to tie his shoes? Took him just one night to learn (not that I was anticipating it would take longer) and he is so proud of himself! He got it down to the point where he was ready to wear the shoes to school today and that was big because the kids still have to take off their shoes and put on boots before going outside for recess so that means taking off the shoes and putting them back on and retying them several times throughout the day.

My aunt and uncle are having a family roller skating day this weekend and I am excited to go. I love to roller-skate/rollerblade. Ayden not so much. Jay not so much. But I think that when Ayden sees all of his cousins there that he won't care and we will all have a great time together. I am just really excited to see my family since it has been since Christmas since I have seen most of them. My sister said that she was going so we pretty much have to go, haha! She is requesting some Ayden time. Don't blame her, he is addictive, haha!

Ayden and the kids in his class had to make a leprechaun trap for school for St. Patrick's Day's coming up and Ayden took his to school today. He made it all by himself and it turned out pretty neat. He had some great ideas for it and I was proud that the majority of it he did himself. He is really growing up on me. I know that in just a few years that he won't want to cuddle on the couch with me anymore and he will be too big to sit on mommy's lap. I hope that by that point I'll have another little one in the house who does want to cuddle with me. We can only pray!

So, Jay and I are pretty sure where we want to have the wedding reception. I have yet to go to the place and fully decide yes or no. The vision is in my head though of what I would like it to look like once completed. While Jay was home this past weekend, apparently the guy who owns the property came up to him and was all excited about us having the wedding there. We haven't told a ton of people where we plan to have the reception because we aren't 100% certain and Jay's mom didn't want to really tell anyone because we haven't drawn up any sort of contract with the owner yet (it is a family friend so I'm sure it will be pretty informal, but we still want something down on paper), but I guess the owner was all like 'Oh I've told lots of people already!' Well that's great! Haha! He does know that I haven't seen the place yet and said to come on over early this summer during a graduation party to check it out. I am looking forward to it. He is just excited to have the next big Hoerth party at his place!

I know everyone talks about the weather, but it has just been simply amazing here lately! Today it is gorgeous outside! I was just thinking yesterday about how I cannot wait for it to be warm enough outside and inside so I can wear a t-shirt and not be cold. I am ALWAYS cold! And today at work, I had a t-shirt on and felt great! Now I can only hope that my classroom is that warm when I have class because that one is ALWAYS freezing! In the middle of winter I am usually wearing my winter coat in class. Ugh!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{bridge}

I had a mirage of dreams last one, but the one that I remember the most vividly involved driving across a bridge in my car. I was on some big busy bridge with a lot of other overpasses around me. I was in the car with Ayden and we were about halfway across the bridge and all of a sudden it starts to crumble underneath us. I could tell that the bridge was going to collapse while we were on it. At this point the dream switched to what seamed like slow motion. I had enough time to turn around and yell at Ayden to get unbuckled and was able to unbuckle myself. Somehow I grabbed him and we were both able to jump from the car before it hit the water below us. We did end up in the water, but were able to swim to the shore. At that point I remember getting a cellphone from someone and calling Jay and letting him know that we were in a pretty bad accident, but that both Ayden and I were okay. I remember when the bridge was collapsing that there were other people going into the water too, but I don't remember anyone after we got to shore and I made the call to Jay. That is all that I remember from that particular dream last night.

Anyways, I am a big believer on your dreams telling you something that you consciously aren't paying attention too and last night really blew me away when I looked up the dream in my dream book. I own the book Dream On It by Lauri Lowenberg and it is really good. In her dream dictionary she defines a bridge dream as the following: transition, getting from point A to point B. Are you trying to cross over into some new area in your life? If the bridge collapes or you fall off the bridge you are worried you are not going to make it through this transition in your life.

Can we say O.M.G.!!! That is me right now to a 'T'!!! My life is about to turn upside down in just a few months and we will be starting a new chapter in our lives. A chapter than I cannot wait to start, but one that I am VERY VERY worried about because it will be something new... something that I am not yet prepared for. The planner in me is going crazy! I just had to post that because if you don't believe in dream interpretation, you just might now! It is crazy!

I also dreamed that my classmate and I received some assignments back from a professor and we both had failed the assignments and were very unhappy. I know I dreamt about that because we were both a little worried after we turned our last assignment in because we didn't know how we would do. I have to report that we both passed the assignment with 'A's. That was an easy dream to interpret, haha!

The bridge one really just blew me away because it is like spot on!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{mark an ‘x’ by that item}

Jay has a a new job for when we move!!! If I could convey just how happy and excited that makes me through the type on my computer you can bet it would look a lot more exciting than just some plain font! This is MAJOR for our family! The job sounds great and I know that Jay is VERY excited about it and I am super excited for him! One major thing checked off on our to do list of moving in less than three months. We are moving in LESS THAN THREE MONTHS! Wow! I remember thinking at the beginning of the school  year that we would be moving in about nine months and now the time has dwindled down to less than THREE! Can you tell my excitement yet?!

There is still so much to do before the actual moving part, but it is starting to feel more real every day. I know that once we find a new place to live that it will be even more real, but even talking to Ayden today about the possibility of getting him a bunk bed/loft after we see what his new room will be like was exciting. It really is just crazy!

Before then though I have a lot to get through school wise. Clinic continues to go amazingly! I have about seven homework assignments to complete before the end of the semester, the dreaded Praxis to take, and a capstone presentation to complete. The stress of it all hasn’t really hit me yet. Okay, I lie… I do go through periods of feeling utterly overwhelmed with it all and thinking there is no way that I will be able to complete it all AND move my family across the state all before starting my externship, but then I pull myself together and tell myself to just take things one day at a time. All things are possible and I am definitely not the type of person to just sit back and give up. I am getting my doctorates degree after all, doesn’t that say something about my will to push through and get things done! For some reason, I don’t really know what taking the easy route means. Go to college or don’t go… it was always go, even when things might have been easier if I hadn’t gone. Graduate from college or go to grad school… why not go to grad school?! Once again, things certainly would have been easier if I were working and making money by now, but it’s just not me! Just my mentality I guess!

I have officially worked out 16 of the last 20 days so far and I have to say that that is quite an accomplishment for me after not working out for so long. I am sad to say that I haven’t really lost any weight since starting which is really disappointing. I try not to let it get to me because I know I am building muscles. Let me tell you, doing push ups is A LOT easier now than it was 20 days ago. I can do 10 in a row pretty fast. When I started 20 days ago, I could barely get out 5 at a time. I know that counts for something! I am just hoping that when I start the Turbo Fire program again in week that some of the weight I have been wanting to lose goes away. I suppose that my almost nightly hand full of chocolate chips isn’t helping any either, hehe!

Well, the little man has decided to come help me blog so I guess I should get going!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{nostalgia}

*This post was started Monday night… and finished Wednesday morning*

Monday: Wikipedia (oh beloved Wikipedia, haha, or not) defines nostalgia as a yearning for the past, often in an idealized form… I’ve walked around all day with a sense of nostalgia. Is that the correct use of that word?! Maybe, maybe not, lol! If, indeed, it does mean an yearning for the past, then that’s what I’ve been feeling. It all stems from a dream I had last night. Stupid dreams. What I’m really yearning for is something that never was so in all reality it doesn’t even make sense. But it is what it is, it’s ridiculous. I’m sure all will be forgotten by tomorrow.

I started Week 3 of my Ripped in 30 program with Jillian Michaels tonight and for the life of me I cannot remember why I ever thought Week 3 was my favorite. It killed tonight and my arms are STILL burning (in both a good and bad way)! I’m proud of myself for doing so well with working out. I did ‘miss’ two days last week which isn’t the end of the world, but I am disappointed in that. I did not work out on Thursday night because I had a long day at clinic and I just couldn’t get motivated. Then when I had the chance to work out on Saturday morning before heading out for the wedding I attended, I slept in instead. Actually, I didn’t even sleep in that long and I did have the time to work out yet that morning, I just didn’t. I tried to rationalize it with the fact that I was going to be on my feet all day long and not really eating all that much so it would be okay and I suppose that it was, but I am hard on myself like that. I’m going to try and work out every day during Week 3 without taking any days off. We’ll see if I can pull it off! I am a little disappointed with the weight loss though.

I have read through other forums that with these kind of programs it is more important to keep track of the inches that you are losing instead of the weight because you are gaining a lot more muscle which weighs more. I know that I am toning up for sure, but I wish the scale would reflect that a little more. I think I have been eating somewhat okay. I haven’t had any soda since starting and I’m trying to drink more water than I had been. I started out at 119.4 lbs and this morning I weighed 117.6… not quite two pounds lost. (Super bummed that I weighed in at 118.8 Wednesday morning though. But I know it partially has to do with the fact that your weight fluctuates every day and that I didn’t workout last night, although I didn’t think I really over ate at supper time either.) I know that with the weight that I am at I wouldn’t go from 119 to 115 in two weeks (without seriously watching my calories and probably under eating), but the irrational part of my brain wishes I had. If I reach 116.9 by the end of the 30 days I will consider that an accomplishment because I know that incorporating more cardio with Turbo Fire will get me to where I want to be. Slow and steady is how it goes! Besides, I’m going to have rocking arms by the end of the 30 days, haha!

Tuesday: I am so sick of being sick. While at clinic today my nose would NOT stop running! I am thinking it probably had something to do with the dry air in the building because at one point I gave myself a nose bleed. As if that isn't attractive! Luckily it wasn't during a patient's appointment, but rather in-between appointments. Still, I would rather not have had to deal with it in the first place.

I don't really know how much snow we are supposed to get tonight... the weather people continue to tell us many different things. We all know that I would be happy with NO snow; however, I just don't think that I am going to be that lucky. I don't think we are supposed to get very much though. My drive into clinic this morning was rather interesting. We must have gotten just a dusting of snow over night and usually that wouldn't make the roads too bad, but I guess with the temperature being what it was, it made for some very hazardous driving conditions this morning. The roads did not look bad, but they were covered in a thin layer of ice. Unfortunately for me, as I listening to the radio this morning they kept saying that there were accidents happening all over Hwy 39 and wouldn't you know... that was the exact highway that I was driving on and I was headed right into the accidents. Ugh! I have to say that given the circumstances and the fact that I hate driving in anything but pristine conditions I handled myself pretty well. I could feel my anxiety building, but I tried to stay calm and just slowed down quite a bit. There were two accidents that I ended up driving past... neither was too bad, but it did delay me getting to my destination in a timely matter. Okay, so I was only 10 minutes late and it wasn't really late, just on time. But I like to be running early.

Wednesday: My goal of working out every day for Week 3 is gone. Haha! It lasted for one whole day. I got home from clinic last night and was just drained. My whole body ached and I was in bed super early. We didn’t end up getting too much snow which is good. Unfortunately though, Stevens Point is about the only school in all of central Wisconsin that is NOT closed! Wisconsin Rapids, which is south of us, and Wausau, which is north of us, are both closed for the day. I supposed it worked out for the best though because even if Ayden wouldn’t have had school, I would have had class. It is just easier to drop him off at school than to worry about getting him to the Y for the snow days program. Either that or bringing him to class with me.

My sense of nostalgia is gone. Yeah! It really wasn’t one of those things I wanted to be feeling about that particular chapter of my life.

Off to finish getting ready for the day! I’m thinking about redesigning the blog (yet again) sometime soon… maybe tonight!

CIAO! LOVE ME!