{mind dump}

The mind of a pregnant woman is often weary, yet filled with a million and one thoughts. The mind of a pregnant woman whom works full time and has two children at home is often even more weary and filled with a million and two thoughts. I can't even begin to imagine what the mind of a pregnant women who does more than that has going on in her head. It's probably nutso, hehe! Oh, that's just me that is going crazy. Okay. 

I haven't done a blog post since January... since my Dopey Challenge. I will say that some days, said Challenge seems like it still just happened yesterday and not almost six months ago. Oh, to go back and re-live it. It is definitely something that will always rank in one of my top favorite memories and I was so happy to be able to share it with one of my closest friends. However, what I failed to realize before said trip was that it was going to leave both myself and Victoria with an itch for more. Far more. In the years to come I'm sure we will partake in some more awesome adventures to come. We even already have some lined up! Afterall, we have just learned that Disneyland Paris is having their first half marathon in 2016! I don't think that we will make it to Paris in 2016, but it is officially on both of our bucket lists to make it over there at some point for a race! We will. Want to bet on it?! Don't bet against us, you'll lose. 

For the time being, we'll settle on walking the Firecracker 5k on July 4th. This will be the third year in a row that we've participated in this event. We do it for the apple pie, it is SO good. We both ran it the last two years, but I'm in no shape to run right now. Could I run pregnant, absolutely, my doctor even okay'd it. Will I run pregnant, nope, because at the first sign of not feeling well, I stopped working out so my endurance is zilch right now.  

I don't anticipate starting to blog again regularly (at least right now), but lately I've just had a lot running through my head and I needed an outlet to get it out. Thus, this post. It hasn't necessarily been bad thoughts or negative thoughts, just thoughts, perspectives, life things, that I wanted to let flow through the fingers. Mostly about this current pregnancy. 

It was about a month after we got back from Disney that I found out we were expecting baby #3! It was quite the shock (and pardon me if I get a little too personal here), but I had an IUD so I assumed I was pretty well protected against any unwanted pregnancies. If you are close to me,you already know, if not, you will know now. I was very upset to find out this news. After Xander was born I wasn't sure I wanted anymore children, and if so, I knew it wasn't going to be anytime soon. I did not enjoy being pregnant at all. I mean, hello, were you around me at all during my last pregnancy, did you read any of my blog posts. I wished time away like none other and practically hated life for those nine months. Well, maybe hate is a strong word. Some women glow during pregnancy and absolutely love it. I am not one of them. Some women don't openly dwell on how crappy they feel. Once again, I am not one of them. If I feel like crap, that's what I'm going to tell you. Post Xander (because of course despite not liking being pregnant, the end results is nothing short of AMAZING!), I got my body back quickly. I got back into working out. I felt like me. It was quite honestly pretty great. New baby. Feeling like me again. Life was back on track. 

I will admit, I slacked with winter workouts before Disney, but I was still relatively happy with how my body looked and I was still feeling good. But, while at Disney my love for running got renewed and I craved those runs and working out again in a fierce way. I think because winter was so busy with putting the new house in order, Jay being gone for wrestling, etc etc etc, I didn't get a lot of time to focus on just me and while in Disney I knew I needed to get a little bit of that back. Because when mommy is feeling good, the rest of the house flows good. I got back and for a few weeks, hot damn I was hitting my groove! It was pretty great honestly! I felt great in my skin. I felt great emotionally. I was ready for life to settle back down after the holidays. And then bam, positive pregnancy test.  

At that point I was less than a year out from being pregnant the last time. I knew what my body and mind went through. I'm being honest in saying that I was being 100% selfish for not wanting to put myself through it again. Some women get post partum depression, I'd venture to say that I had a bit of seasonal affective disorder going on, along with maybe a hint of pre-partum depression. Not to mention that I was pretty sure Jay was even more done having children than I was. Thankfully my husband is amazing and was even more supportive about it than I could have ever hoped for. Dare I even say maybe slightly excited. Me, still not so much. I wasn't ready to give up feeling like me when I felt like I had just gotten me back. I go through some pretty bad self esteem issues while pregnant. I did all I could to hope that this pregnancy would be different than the last, but I'm not a dummy, I knew it wouldn't be. And I knew I had only a few short weeks, maybe even days, before I started to feel like crap again. Me and morning sickness do not get along. And I wasn't soon disappointed. I SO wanted to make this pregnancy different than the last with continuing to be active throughout it, but quite honestly, when you feel like throwing up all day long for the first several weeks (and actually do so quite often), you lose your mojo very fast. Or at least I did. 

Almost 23 weeks into this pregnancy now, I can look back to those beginning weeks and just smile. I didn't enjoy them any more than I did with Xander. They maybe seemed to go a little faster this time around because I had a baby at home to now tend to and I was working full time and I got some anti nausea medication ahead of the game, but it only helped a bit. I am officially over halfway through cooking this little babe (whom we found out is another little boy). I can say that most days I feel about as good as I'm going to for being pregnant. Am I enjoying it at all, mostly no. Once again, being 100% honest in saying that I prefer keeping my body to myself and not growing a human being. However, that being said, I do know that God's plans are always bigger than our own and that this little fella was supposed to come into our lives at this time and I could not be more excited about him. Time is truly a vapor and these last few months are bound to fly by if the first half of this pregnancy was any indication. And before I know it, I'll be snuggling my own little baby instead of my cousins or my friends or my other friends. (I also think it helps that so many people around me are also pregnant at the same time and/or just had or are going to have babies soon.)  

It is honestly a true miracle at how life forms and I often find myself just sitting in awe at the fact that I have a tiny little baby growing in my belly right now that I am nurturing. Plus, lets be real (again), feeling those baby kicks now, yeah, it's pretty cool. Do I enjoy being pregnant, absolutely not. Do I revel in the fact that I am able to be pregnant and grow a human, of course! It's quite odd how I think about it, isn't it? I hate how it makes me physically feel and look, but I am in love with the little kicks and jabs that I am constantly feeling at this point. I am in love with the fact that we are adding another little one to our family in the coming months. 

So, I will sit here and get through each day. It brings me one day closer to meeting this little guy and introducing him to this awesome world we live in. And post baby, I'll work my ass off again to get back into shape. Quite literally, I'm going to have to work my ass off because damn, whatever I eat these days has decided to take its rightful place on my thighs and gluteus maximus! Haha! I think I'm also worried about how fast the weight will come off this time. Everyone keeps telling me... oh you dropped it so quickly with Xander, it'll happen again, don't worry. Yes, I'll admit, I did drop it fast with Xander. But I also did put some work into it. More kiddos. Two young kiddos. Makes it harder to find time. Not impossible, but no time is just an excuse. But still, I am worried about that. And yes, I know that the scale is not the driving force and it's just a number and yadda yadda yadda. I just want to feel good in my skin. And during pregnancy, I don't. Plain and simple.  

I was looking back through some old pictures the other day and realized that it has been just over three years since I started running. Just over two years since I ran my first half marathon. And of those three years, I've spent one of them pregnant and not working out. That has been the biggest struggle for me. And it is all of my own doing. Thus far, this pregnancy has been more active than my last. It has to be... because I have a one year old that I'm constantly chasing around. Also, we are in a different season of the year. When I was pregnant with Xander we had super crappy and super cold weather. I dislike winter very much so and spent all of it cooped up in the house not active... like AT ALL! This time because we have had such a relatively nice spring, I have wanted to be outside a ton already. I love being outside. I love being active. I've been trying to walk more. Victoria and I can often be found together on a weekly walk catching up. (I should try some swimming too because I've heard that that is really good for pregnant women.) Xander loves to be outside as well, so we are often going on walks and here and there my lovely Ayden will join us. I do have to say that I've found I become a little more sore a little more frequently/faster than I did with Xander. I'm still able to get up and down from the floor pretty easily, but I'm sure that that will come to an end here soon. 

I also have to say that one of the things that has helped me this pregnancy is going through it with another best friend of mine. Niki and I have been friends since grade school and like most friendships have had our ups and downs. Throughout it all, we've managed to stick together, but recently finding out that we were pregnant at the same time really brought us back to a place that I didn't think we'd ever be at again. We are due within a week of each other, so many of the symptoms that I am going through, she is experiencing as well. I often tell her that I feel like I'm jading pregnancy for her because she wanted it so bad and I'm all over here complaining about every step of the way, lol! But quite honestly, she gets what I'm going through at the very moment that I'm going through it. But really, it has brought us closer again and for that I am thankful!  

Despite the fact that I am almost 29 (and will forever stop aging this year), there are still days where I sit back and think about where I've been and where I've come from. Look at me writing that like I've been through something awful or profound in my short life. Haha! Not the case at all. There was a turning point though however when I stood in my best friends bathroom (that'd be Niki again) over 11 years ago staring at a positive pregnancy test at the age of 17. My life forever changed in the less than three minutes it took for that second line to appear and it's been changing ever since. I've said it a million and one times and I'll say it a million and one more times... if ever given the chance to go back and change anything, I'd never do it. I'm here today because I'm supposed to be here. But there are still just some days where I'm pulling into the garage after a long day of work and think, wow, I never thought in a million years I'd be where I am now. 

The light at the end of the tunnel was always that, just a light. I never thought I'd make it to the end of the tunnel, much less through it and then continue on past it. And now, I've been gainfully employed for over two years (at the same place for three). I'm finally married to my high school sweetheart. We have two amazing boys with another one on the way. We own a house. I've bought my first vehicle without the help of my parents. We have a dog and a cat. All that is missing is the white picket fence. And let's be honest, I don't need a fence, my yard is perfect without one! And really, who wants a white picket fence? I'd much rather have the lawn speckled with dog poop that I do have. Okay, just joking about wanting the dog poop, but we sure have enough of it to go around. 

Seriously though, I am just in awe at how amazingly blessed we have been so far in our short span of life. I know that being a parent isn't an end all be all for everyone and know plenty of people who have not had children for one reason or another and it works for them. What I do know is that for our family, for me, being a mother, a parent, it trumps everything. I look at my kiddos and just marvel that I was chosen to be their parent. To give them life and nurture them. And the one that I'm currently 'growing'. 

At least I can joke about it with Jay now... we did this one right. Married. Own a house. Good jobs. Lol! Oops, pregnant at 17. Love that Ayden of mine. Oops, lets try for a baby before our wedding knowing it could take awhile. Fertile Mrytle. First month got that positive. Pregnant for the wedding. What's the saying... new house, new baby?! Haha! Bring it on Baby Boy #3! We cannot wait to meet you... well, stay put for another 15ish weeks!