{getting personal}

This is one of those posts where I very well may never hit the publish button, but it is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind over the course of the last several weeks and I just feel like I need to get it out on paper (or in this case, the screen). I just need to get it out of my head so I can better comprehend some things. Writing is cathartic for me... It is also one of those things that would probably be better off left in my head and not shared with the 'whole world' or even the twenty people that may in fact read my blog because it is so personal and in all honesty, people don't want to hear (or read) about the deep details of other people's lives. (Well, on the surface they do, people are nosy, but they don't really want to know that things aren't all peachy and rosy when it comes off that way most of the time, it makes for uncomfortable situations when you then see them in real life.) But whatever, my blog.

 

Plain and simple, I've been in an emotional slump lately. I already don't feel like myself because of the pregnancy. I'm over emotional about too much and under emotional about even more. Under emotional, can you even be that? My excitement for things is way lacking. Christmas tree decorating? Ha! Can I use the excuse of a new dog to get out of that one this year? I feel on the verge of tears more often than I'd like to admit. Can I blame the majority of that on the pregnancy? I don't feel like myself. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm depressed or anything, because I certainly do and am happy at times as well. Looking forward to the Turkey Trot with my mom this week, excited for baby ultrasound the following week... I'm just pregnant and hormonal, haha! Oh, how I wish that was a real haha. I'm just going through a few things that aren't fun. And then I sit back and think, wait, shouldn't I be enjoying this time right now? Shouldn't I feel more blessed. When instead I feel like the days are just rolling by, same thing over and over.

 

I haven't said this in a while, but right now is one of those times that I miss what our family was when we lived in Stevens Point. I miss Stevens Point, but I miss our family dynamic more. I feel like we are all just going through the motions. I am more than elated about the impending addition to our family (despite my physical bodily feelings on that situation), but I can't help but wish we were still in Stevens Point away from everything again waiting for this addition. I love living close to family again, don't get me wrong, it has WAY more positives than negatives, many positives which I take advantage of often, but it's also been an added stress to the way we (namely, me) were used to living while we were so far away. What I feared the most about moving back to Chilton has slowly started to happen, or maybe I've just become more aware of it now in my hyper hormonal state. In any case, I'm not enjoying it, I'm feeling alone, and I'd rather feel alone far away from family than when I'm surrounded by it.

 

We all know that life ebbs and flows and that we need to make it through certain 'obstacles' in life to make it to the next triumph... right now is just one of those obstacles. And maybe I just need to stop being so emotional about things and 'buck up'. I've thought about that. Maybe I'm expecting just too much. And then I think, no, you are justified in what you expect and think. Your family (you and Ayden) should come first on Jay's priority list, and honestly, I don't feel like we have been first for a long time. Now, I need to point out that this is soley how I, ME, MYSELF feels, and that I'm certain the way Jay feels, we are a priority. This blog is soley about ME AND MY thoughts and doesn't portray Jay's thoughts at all. I don't read his mind and can't tell you what he thinks or feels. And should I sit here and put out there how I feel about my marriage right now, NO. Should and do are two different things. Should I do a lot of things, no, do I, yes. Should he do a lot of things, yes, does he, no. Is that an okay justification, no. But get over it. Once again, my blog. (Not that I should even feel like I need to defend myself because I don't.)

 

I am a big proponent of things in our household being 50/50. Given that, I still do the majority of the cleaning in the house and Jay does the majority of the outside stuff (not that he did much this year as our lawn was rarely cut, the leaves have yet to be raked, and probably won't be, there is stuff that needs to be put away, and we have frozen rotten tomatoes and weeds now stuck on our sidewalk because he couldn't weed the flower beds at the beginning of fall). And because I only work three days a week, I am, for the most part, okay with doing most of the cleaning. However, that doesn't exempt him from helping around the house and I don't think it is asking too much to help. But when it takes THREE FUCKING WEEKS (yes I swore) to clean the TINY ASS bathroom that we have, something HAS to change. And the worst part is, he didn't even clean the whole thing! I swept the floor and Ayden cleaned the tub. ALL HE FUCKING DID WAS CLEAN THE SINK AND TOLIET! (And our sink people, is TINY... and the toilet was JUST cleaned by Ayden a few days earlier). Actions speak louder than words right now, and his actions are speaking volumes. And it's not even about the fucking bathroom. It's the principle of the whole thing. I shouldn't HAVE to ask for help, much less for three weeks. I don't think he EVER cleans the cat litter without me reminding him for a few days. Our kitchen is NEVER clean (the one area in the house that is 'his'.) He won't load the dirty dishes in the dishwasher if Ayden hasn't unloaded it. Um, since when is it illegal for YOU to unload the dishwasher. I'm sorry, now I'm just complaining, I know. But I'm sick and tired of coming in number three or four on his to do list. And then feeling like he never even gets to us. Oh, so and so needs help, I'll be gone for just a little bit, I don't want to be gone long... and four hours later he comes home. How many times have I heard that saying?! I want to go hunting, I need to play xbox, etc etc etc... please tell me when you will stop putting everything and everyone else BEFORE YOUR FUCKING FAMILY AND RESPONSIBLITIES.

 

Yes, I get that helping people is a good thing and I'm not saying it needs to stop. I LOVE that he is so willing to help out people in need. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with him helping people, but you don't have to jump when they say jump either. They can wait and understand you have your own family too. I get that he works hard every day and deserves some time to enjoy himself as well, we all enjoy a little 'me' time (I'm not one to deny him some of that), but it's become too much lately. It's as if since we've moved back he's become less of a family man and more of what he didn't ever get to enjoy as a single man. Now, is he going out all of the time, drinking, spending lots of money, etc etc etc, absolutely not, but it's more him and other people, than him and us. Once again, I LOVE that we are closer to home and he has more friends around that he can do things with, but they've taken a priority over his family. At least, that is how I see it. That is how I am currently feeling. Often times I feel like he'd rather be gone out with other people than at home. I get that he doesn't enjoy the cleaning and shit around the house. Who does?! Do you think I enjoy sweeping the floor, washing clothes, etc... no, but it needs to get done.

 

Excuse me if this comes out as a whiny bitchy wife who just needs to grow up and get over it. I can't. At least right now. I feel like we just got a new dog, have a baby on the way, and I'm dealing with it all alone.

 

Hormonal much, yeah, I am...

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{shopping}

I finally broke down yesterday and went and bought some maternity clothes. I've been fortunate enough to have been lending some clothes from some friends, but I thought I needed a few items of my own and you know what, a little retail therapy always seems to cheer me up. I haven't bought myself some new clothes in so long that my Kohls charge has had a zero balance on it for the last three months. That NEVER happens, haha! And rest assured, as soon as we find out if baby is a girl or a boy, there won't be a zero balance on it again for a long time. Sorry hun!

 

So, what's a women with no jeans that currently fit to do?! Go buy some, that's what! And so, I headed off to Kohls and Target yesterday to get out of the house for a little while during my day off and spend some of my hard earned money. Lol! After scouring the Kohls store and thinking for a bit that they didn't even have any maternity clothes there, I found them back in the corner of the baby section. I have to say I was mildly disappointment in their seemingly small selection given the vast amounts of other women's clothing options they had (of which I cannot wait to fit back into), but I didn't leave the store disappointment or emptied handed. I found myself two pair of skinny jeans and two pair of bootcut jeans. I have to say that it felt rather nice to slip into a pair of skinny jeans that were comfortable. I'm more of a skinny jean and boot or high heel kind of person versus regular jeans and sneakers and I haven't been able to comfortably wear ANY jeans for the last several weeks. That, coupled to just generally not feeling great enough to get dolled up to go places equates to lots of days at home in sweats and no makeup. Thus, when I am at home, I'm typically in sweats/pj pants, and when I've been on photo shoots, I've donned the tunic top and legging apparel (sometimes deemed inappropriate on certain individuals, but can you blame the preggo lady?!)... In any case, it just felt nice to pull on a pair of skinny jeans, put on a cute top and be able to flash the growing belly in the dressing room mirror. Even on the days that I need to get dressed up for work I've gotten to the point of just brushing my hair and letting it air dry. I used to put lots of product in it and blow dry it... not so much anymore! At least I'm still donning make up to work... it makes me feel somewhat better!

 

I'm certainly not outwardly trying to hide the belly these days, but I think subconsciously I do it. I'm proud of the bump and I wanted some clothes that I felt good in to show that bump off! After Kohls, I went to Target and found a few more shirts. I have to say that in Target it was VERY hard to walk past all of the cute fall/winter workout clothing and not buy any of it. I did proudly stay out of the baby section though. Oh how I wanted to add to my collection of cute bright workout clothes, but I knew that I shouldn't. I can next fall at this time!

 

I also got my atrocious eye brows waxed yesterday. It was DEFINITELY time! I had been meaning to get them waxed BEFORE the wedding (which was almost two months ago now), but the timing never worked out quite right and it wasn't on the top of my priority list and then after that they really slipped to the bottom because of generally feeling like crud. So, needless to say, they needed it bad. I've tried in the past to tweeze some strays at home, but I don't have the tolerance to inflict that kind of pain on myself, lol! Dude, plucking your own eye brows sucks! And really, if you thought my eyebrows were bad, you should see my legs! LMAO! Full disclosure here... haven't gone near them with a razor in WEEKS! I think, why bother at this point doing something that is only going to stay smooth for a day or so. No one sees my legs except me right now and I'm not quite bothered with them just yet. At least not enough to actually shave them. I've thought about it once or twice. I should probably at least once before the belly gets too big, lol! It is extra insulation for the winter right now, lets just stick with that. At least I was good with it during the summer months. And baby comes right before then, so no worries for next summer!

 

I get to venture off to the vet with the dog tomorrow. Should be interesting. He's still small enough that it shouldn't be too much of a big deal. Then it's off to Hu Hot for some lunch with my bestie! I cannot wait because I have been craving a good plate of Mongolian grill for the entire week! The only sucky part is that I'll probably only be able to enjoy the one plate. In any case, it shall be good times with my friend and good food!

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{a good weekend}

I'm happy to report that generally I'm feeling better these days. Not great, but no longer horrible either. Just so so, but I'm trying to keep positive about it and making my way through each day in a positive light versus just concentrating on how not good I feel. Although I wish I would feel slightly closer to normal, if this is as good as it is going to get for the next 23 weeks, I've decided that I can deal with it. (Not that I have much of a choice, haha!)

 

Our adventure with the puppy continues to go well. I haven't decided that we need to give him back yet. I think he is definitely fitting in nicely at our house, although our cat, Diesel, is still pretty leary of him. Part of me feels bad for Diesel because I didn't think he would have such an attitude against the dog, but he has been the only pet in the house for a number of years. And right now he is bigger than the dog, so you would think he would domineer the pup, but he basically stays upstairs and just sleeps the day away. His loss, haha! We try to spread the love around between the two, although Drake is still the novelty right now.

 

He's getting better at not whining as much when he is in the kennel; however, he has also started locking his legs when it is time to get in and doesn't want to go. At this point he is still small enough that we can get him to go in though. Potty training is going as well as can be expected. So long as we keep on schedule, Drake is good about going outside. If we get lazy and don't take him out frequently, that is when the accidents occur. I certainly know that accidents are bound to occur yet for a while and because they are easy to clean up on our floor it hasn't been too bad. He is so much fun to play with on the floor, just running after you and what not and then when he conks out, just to cuddle up with him. What a snuggle bug. Can he stay small and cute forever? Lol! The one thing that has already started is the chewing. Yes, I know we have a long way to go with that one.

 

Our weekend was overall pretty decent. I photographed a wedding with my cousin on Saturday, and as much fun as I have doing that, it was more the companionship of my cousin that made the day better. I needed a day out like that with a friend to just talk and get away. It was refreshing and just nice. Not to mention we got to take pictures together!

 

Sunday was relaxing/productive. We went grocery shopping (much needed) and worked around the house for a few hours before kind of crashing and burning in the afternoon. Ayden spent the afternoon with my dad at his parent's house, Jay went hunting, and Drake and I napped on the couch. Oh, I might have gotten some laundry done in there as well, well, at least it is washed. It may or may not all be folded and put away yet. Baby steps people, baby steps, haha! But quite a few things got done which was I happy about. I have a photoshoot from last weekend to finish editing and then the wedding from this past weekend and then I'm all caught up again. I have not scheduled anything for the next couple of weekends because I needed some time off. We have two birthday parties this weekend and next weekend starts deer hunting, and the weekend after is Thanksgiving, so we are busy anyways. (Well, I don't hunt, but I'll need to be home to watch the little man and the dog.) Plus, I'm just bushed out. I need some time to just recoup and enjoy my family.

 

The baby bump is certainly prominent now... not necessarily when I'm wearing clothes, it still kind of looks like I just might be gaining some weight; however, if you know that I'm preggers, then it is definitely more evident. I'm accepting the bump and wearing it proudly. It isn't going anywhere for the next 23 weeks, so I might as well! My doctor's appointment on Friday went well. I got to hear baby's heart beat again after four weeks and boy did it sound great! For whatever reason I had this irrational fear that the doctor wasn't going to be able to find baby's heart beat, but she did in like five seconds flat... that woosh woosh woosh sound just melted this momma's heart. Just a few more weeks until we hopefully find out if baby is going to be a brother or sister for Ayden. The scale at the doctor's office was also still pretty nice to me. I've finally gained some weight. I consider my 'starting' weight 123 because that is what I was when I found out I was pregnant. I think the doctor considers is about 117-118 because that is what I was when I was first seen. So in my reality, I've only gained four pounds because on Friday I was 127. However, (even though I'm not worried about the number-yet) I was wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and a sweatshirt, so I'm thinking it was more like 125-126. Doctor's orders were to gain between 20-25 lbs, and if she's starting at 118 (let's round to 120), that puts me between 140-145 by the end of the pregnancy. Like I said, I haven't been concerned about the weight (yet) and haven't watched a single calorie that has entered my mouth in weeks, but my overall goal right now is to stay under 150... I think that's a healthy number to shoot for. Of course, that doesn't mean the closer I inch to that number the more I am going to be concerned about going over it, I know full well I can and may gain more. It WILL come off again. I KNOW that much! I can't wait to get back into working out. I know I could still be doing it right now, but honestly, the motivation right now just isn't there. Ready to kill it next summer though!

 

Baby is going to come at the right time, give me all summer to get back into a good routine and then by the time the weather gets cold again in the winter I won't want to give up on it. I have to admit, right now I don't miss those cold night snowy runs. I lie, part of me does miss it. I do miss lacing up the shoes, setting my garmin, and then putting my headphones on and just going for a few miles and it being just me and my thoughts. Pushing myself one step further! I read the blog of a lady who has been consistently working out through her entire pregnancy so far. She is just a few weeks further along than me and she rocks it at the gym at 5:30am almost every morning and is going to run her second half marathon so far this pregnancy in just a few weeks. Talk about a dedicated woman! I wish I could be half as motivated as her! I had grand plans of staying fit and in great shape this pregnancy, but morning sickness threw that all out of the window, haha! Actually, it was my pure lack of motivation that helped too because if I wanted it bad enough, I could have fought through it and still done what I wanted. I just become a baby when I am sick! It's true, ask Jay!

 

Until next time...

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{drake's first night}

We are now officially a family of four... four being three humans and one of the world's cutest puppies. Yup, that's right... we took the plunge and got a puppy less than six months before adding a baby to the family. Call us crazy. I would. Haha! Actually, we knew we were going to take the plunge two weeks ago, we just had to wait for puppy to be ready to leave his mommy and brothers and sisters. That time came last night and Jay went to go pick him up after work.

 

We are now the proud owners of Drake, the cute little chocolate lab pup that has stolen all of our hearts.

 

It was a bit of a busy night for us last night as not only were we getting the puppy, but we were also going over to Jay's grandparent's house for some of his grandma's delicious potato pancakes. And goodness were they ever delicious! I only wish I could have had more than I did! Smaller portions these days leads to a stomach that feels better (most of the time). Once I got home from work, it was quick see the puppy, change clothes, grab everyone and head to Jay's grandparent's house... puppy in tow.

 

Like I mentioned, we had a delicious supper and then had to run. It was already getting late and Ayden had homework to finish up, we needed to run to Walmart for a few things, and Jay wanted to be home to watch the Packer game. I felt bad for eating and running, but I know his grandparents understood. They are simply amazing. Let me tell you!

 

Drake did good on his first official outing. He slept the majority of the time that we were there. Poor little guy, I bet he was in shock the entire night!

 

After we got home, we settled down on the living room floor and played with Drake for a little while before heading off to bed. He's just so darn cute and loved to snuggle with me!

 

Ayden decided that he wanted to sleep downstairs to make sure that Drake didn't get scared. We had kenneled him for the night; however, he was scared and just cried and cried. Somehow Ayden managed to fall asleep with all of that crying, but I could hear it from our upstairs bedroom and I couldn't sleep. Keep in mind I could hear it over the sound generator and fan we had going in our room. Those darn mommy ears that I have! I tolerated it for about 45 minutes and then just felt bad. I had originally gone downstairs to tell Ayden he could go sleep in his room because I had assumed he would still be awake. In any case, he wasn't, but I woke him up and told him to go to his bed.

 

Then I proceeded to break probably ever puppy training rule in the manual, let Drake out of his kennel and proceeded to sleep with him on the couch. Yes, I KNOW I shouldn't have, but my heart strings were already pulled. I just felt bad that he would be in the kennel all night, out for a few hours in the morning while we were getting ready, and then kenneled all day again while we were gone at work.

 

So, Drake and I bonded together during his first night in the Hoerth household. I think he likes his new momma, haha! We both managed to get some sleep and surprisingly I'm not as tired today as I thought I would be which is a good thing, right?!

 

It about broke my heart when we had to kennel him this morning as Ayden and I were leaving. Poor little guy was just a crying! I know he will survive the day, but it just sucks thinking about it. I hope he didn't cry for too long and that he still loves me when I get home. It's for his own good though, I know.

 

There won't be any cuddling tonight though however... momma needs a good night sleep. Plus, I don't have to work tomorrow, so we will have all day to bond together again!

 

Pictures to follow soon!

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!