{getting personal}

This is one of those posts where I very well may never hit the publish button, but it is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind over the course of the last several weeks and I just feel like I need to get it out on paper (or in this case, the screen). I just need to get it out of my head so I can better comprehend some things. Writing is cathartic for me... It is also one of those things that would probably be better off left in my head and not shared with the 'whole world' or even the twenty people that may in fact read my blog because it is so personal and in all honesty, people don't want to hear (or read) about the deep details of other people's lives. (Well, on the surface they do, people are nosy, but they don't really want to know that things aren't all peachy and rosy when it comes off that way most of the time, it makes for uncomfortable situations when you then see them in real life.) But whatever, my blog.

 

Plain and simple, I've been in an emotional slump lately. I already don't feel like myself because of the pregnancy. I'm over emotional about too much and under emotional about even more. Under emotional, can you even be that? My excitement for things is way lacking. Christmas tree decorating? Ha! Can I use the excuse of a new dog to get out of that one this year? I feel on the verge of tears more often than I'd like to admit. Can I blame the majority of that on the pregnancy? I don't feel like myself. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm depressed or anything, because I certainly do and am happy at times as well. Looking forward to the Turkey Trot with my mom this week, excited for baby ultrasound the following week... I'm just pregnant and hormonal, haha! Oh, how I wish that was a real haha. I'm just going through a few things that aren't fun. And then I sit back and think, wait, shouldn't I be enjoying this time right now? Shouldn't I feel more blessed. When instead I feel like the days are just rolling by, same thing over and over.

 

I haven't said this in a while, but right now is one of those times that I miss what our family was when we lived in Stevens Point. I miss Stevens Point, but I miss our family dynamic more. I feel like we are all just going through the motions. I am more than elated about the impending addition to our family (despite my physical bodily feelings on that situation), but I can't help but wish we were still in Stevens Point away from everything again waiting for this addition. I love living close to family again, don't get me wrong, it has WAY more positives than negatives, many positives which I take advantage of often, but it's also been an added stress to the way we (namely, me) were used to living while we were so far away. What I feared the most about moving back to Chilton has slowly started to happen, or maybe I've just become more aware of it now in my hyper hormonal state. In any case, I'm not enjoying it, I'm feeling alone, and I'd rather feel alone far away from family than when I'm surrounded by it.

 

We all know that life ebbs and flows and that we need to make it through certain 'obstacles' in life to make it to the next triumph... right now is just one of those obstacles. And maybe I just need to stop being so emotional about things and 'buck up'. I've thought about that. Maybe I'm expecting just too much. And then I think, no, you are justified in what you expect and think. Your family (you and Ayden) should come first on Jay's priority list, and honestly, I don't feel like we have been first for a long time. Now, I need to point out that this is soley how I, ME, MYSELF feels, and that I'm certain the way Jay feels, we are a priority. This blog is soley about ME AND MY thoughts and doesn't portray Jay's thoughts at all. I don't read his mind and can't tell you what he thinks or feels. And should I sit here and put out there how I feel about my marriage right now, NO. Should and do are two different things. Should I do a lot of things, no, do I, yes. Should he do a lot of things, yes, does he, no. Is that an okay justification, no. But get over it. Once again, my blog. (Not that I should even feel like I need to defend myself because I don't.)

 

I am a big proponent of things in our household being 50/50. Given that, I still do the majority of the cleaning in the house and Jay does the majority of the outside stuff (not that he did much this year as our lawn was rarely cut, the leaves have yet to be raked, and probably won't be, there is stuff that needs to be put away, and we have frozen rotten tomatoes and weeds now stuck on our sidewalk because he couldn't weed the flower beds at the beginning of fall). And because I only work three days a week, I am, for the most part, okay with doing most of the cleaning. However, that doesn't exempt him from helping around the house and I don't think it is asking too much to help. But when it takes THREE FUCKING WEEKS (yes I swore) to clean the TINY ASS bathroom that we have, something HAS to change. And the worst part is, he didn't even clean the whole thing! I swept the floor and Ayden cleaned the tub. ALL HE FUCKING DID WAS CLEAN THE SINK AND TOLIET! (And our sink people, is TINY... and the toilet was JUST cleaned by Ayden a few days earlier). Actions speak louder than words right now, and his actions are speaking volumes. And it's not even about the fucking bathroom. It's the principle of the whole thing. I shouldn't HAVE to ask for help, much less for three weeks. I don't think he EVER cleans the cat litter without me reminding him for a few days. Our kitchen is NEVER clean (the one area in the house that is 'his'.) He won't load the dirty dishes in the dishwasher if Ayden hasn't unloaded it. Um, since when is it illegal for YOU to unload the dishwasher. I'm sorry, now I'm just complaining, I know. But I'm sick and tired of coming in number three or four on his to do list. And then feeling like he never even gets to us. Oh, so and so needs help, I'll be gone for just a little bit, I don't want to be gone long... and four hours later he comes home. How many times have I heard that saying?! I want to go hunting, I need to play xbox, etc etc etc... please tell me when you will stop putting everything and everyone else BEFORE YOUR FUCKING FAMILY AND RESPONSIBLITIES.

 

Yes, I get that helping people is a good thing and I'm not saying it needs to stop. I LOVE that he is so willing to help out people in need. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with him helping people, but you don't have to jump when they say jump either. They can wait and understand you have your own family too. I get that he works hard every day and deserves some time to enjoy himself as well, we all enjoy a little 'me' time (I'm not one to deny him some of that), but it's become too much lately. It's as if since we've moved back he's become less of a family man and more of what he didn't ever get to enjoy as a single man. Now, is he going out all of the time, drinking, spending lots of money, etc etc etc, absolutely not, but it's more him and other people, than him and us. Once again, I LOVE that we are closer to home and he has more friends around that he can do things with, but they've taken a priority over his family. At least, that is how I see it. That is how I am currently feeling. Often times I feel like he'd rather be gone out with other people than at home. I get that he doesn't enjoy the cleaning and shit around the house. Who does?! Do you think I enjoy sweeping the floor, washing clothes, etc... no, but it needs to get done.

 

Excuse me if this comes out as a whiny bitchy wife who just needs to grow up and get over it. I can't. At least right now. I feel like we just got a new dog, have a baby on the way, and I'm dealing with it all alone.

 

Hormonal much, yeah, I am...

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!