{expanding}

I think I've hit the point in my pregnancy where I'm just not going to like what I see in the mirror anymore and I'm going to have to deal with it. I feel like every part of me is expanding in the outward direction and truth be told, it probably is. Every little part. I'm vain and I am missing my old body something fierce right now. A large part of me just can't help it.

This has certainly been a reoccurring theme over the last several weeks in my blog posts. Poor little Ashley sick of her pregnant body. Has it gotten old yet? Yes. Oops, my bad. 

Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoy sitting down and staring at the bump and noticing that it is getting slightly bigger each week and knowing that means the tiny man is growing in there. I enjoy it even more when I can see and feel the tiny man moving around. It is really something that I am going to miss about the pregnancy. Probably the only thing. And I have this weird pregnant lady obsession with just rubbing it. Okay, maybe it isn't a weird obsession, just a regular pregnant lady obsession. I don't know how I feel about other people approaching me and touching the belly, but I haven't had anyone do that yet. 

I'm just overall feeling kind of blah. I don't feel attractive anymore, despite Jay continuing to tell me that I am. Although, he's my hubby, he kind of has an obligation to continue to tell me that all of the time, especially during pregnancy. I felt good in my skin pre-baby, really good, probably the best that I have ever felt about myself. Now I look in the mirror and consciously know that in that belly is a baby that is growing, but I don't feel very good about what I am actually seeing. Stupid mental games. It also doesn't help that my clothes aren't fitting the same and I'm uncomfortable more now. I miss my pre-pregnancy skinny jeans and shirts... a lot!

Thank goodness it is wintertime so I have an excuse to come home and throw a big sweatshirt and pj pants on and just curl up on the couch versus having to deal with some overwhelming heat wave in the summer! I know it was warm the summer that Ayden was born, but I don't remember much of it. Overall, the extra weight and blood volume has certainly helped keep me warmer so far this winter and given the recent DEEP freeze that we had, I needed it! At this point, its the same things over and over that are kind of downing my mood. Cold weather, winter blues, and being fat. Haha!

I know I'm the hardest on myself about it because I told myself that once I got pregnant I would continue to workout and I didn't and I have all of these stupid excuses as to why I didn't when it just comes down to the fact that I was lazy and I don't feel normal. Of course I'm not going to feel normal, I am growing a human being inside me. That takes a lot of work. Goodness, us women should get some kind of medal for growing babies! Our husbands have NO idea! Despite Jay (and Ayden) continuing to be overall very supportive through the pregnancy and helping out as much as they can at home, they just aren't going through it and don't know the physical, mental, and emotional toll that it is taking on me. Hormones on overdrive here! I sometimes wish I could just sleep away the rest of the pregnancy and wake up after the baby has arrived, haha!

Okay, thanks for letting me get that out there. Sometimes I just need to clear my head...

CIAO! LOVE ME!