{kinda stung}

I had an eye opening moment the other day at work. Totally unintentional, but aren't most. Earlier this week while at work I had plans to give everyone a thank you card from me for being so great over the last year. It just worked out that we were all in the same room together at one time (well waiting for one more person to join us) and I was just about ready to give out the cards. Before doing so, one of the ladies made motion to get up and leave and I told her to wait because I had wanted to share something with everyone, but we were waiting on one person.

(Fyi, there are only five of us in the office and all are women.) Before anyone began to assume anything, I quickly blurted out that I wasn't pregnant (you know, because people assume those kinds of announcements) and almost immediately one of my co-workers said something alone the lines of oh good, you wouldn't want to screw up what you have right now. And almost as quickly as she said it, she back pedalled and was like, I didn't mean that in a bad way, but with the wedding and everything. At the time I just brushed it off. She's going through some serious family stuff right now and I forgive her for saying it, but after thinking about it, I know at least some part of her meant it because otherwise she wouldn't have said it, and honestly, it kind of stung. I don't harbor any bad feelings for her because she's definitely a great person, inside and out. Everyone I work with is... they have become family to me!

Am I really still at THAT point where getting pregnant would be looked at as bad or wrong? I mean, I'm 26, almost 27. Jay is 27. He has a good full time paying job with benefits. I am graduating with my freaking DOCTORATE in less than two weeks. I have a good job just waiting for me until I get that diploma and we are freaking getting married in less than four months. Would getting or being pregnant right now really be THAT bad? (Don't get me wrong, I am NOT pregnant, nor are we actively trying TO GET pregnant, but if it were TO happen, would people still think we shouldn't have?- Sidenote, yes things may have been more difficult adding another baby to the family before graduating or getting married or getting a job, both Jay and I realized that, hence why we made the decision to not have any more children until those things were accomplished first.) I mean HELLO my cousin had four or five kids by the time she was 27 and I didn't see anyone saying those things about her. I'm pretty sure my mom was done (or almost done) have kids by 27 and I haven't even freaking gotten started! Shut up people, I know I have Ayden, but I want at least two more kids, maybe three, so no, I haven't gotten started.

I'm actually kind of pissed about it now that I think about it more. Jay and I have been together for over freaking nine and a half years (I don't think either of us are going anywhere anytime soon... we're far past that seven year itch, haha) and I have only had ONE family member... ONE FREAKING FAMILY MEMBER ask us (and it was just recently) if we are planning on having more kids. Fuck you for not asking! Yes, fuck you! Have I talked about my want for more children with family before (and many more people), yes, but no one ever is the first to ASK!!! Just because we are not married yet... just because we had Ayden when we were 18... just because I'm STILL in school (GETTING MY FUCKING DOCTORATE'S DEGREE... YES, GETTING MY DOCTORATES! Yes, I am getting up on my soap box about that now because I should be damn proud of myself instead of just brushing off everyone's congratulations like it's been no big deal), none of those previous things doesn't FUCKING mean we don't want more kids or that you can't ask. Like it's taboo or would be taboo if we were to have more kids before I got a 'real' job or we got married. I feel like we are still the freaking teenagers that got pregnant and screwed up their lives by having a baby. I SHOULDN'T have to feel that way. I feel that unless everything is all set and perfect and our lives are finally set 'in motion' that no one would rejoice with us if we were to announce tomorrow that Ayden would be becoming a big brother. I SHOULDN'T have to feel that way. Would that situation be ideal, no. I'd like to fit into my wedding dress thank you very much. But I do. And it hurts. I feel like having Ayden at 18 trumps everything else that we've accomplished in life, even if people don't see it that way anymore. Yes, Jay and I both graduated college and I'm getting my doctorate, and yes our family tells us how proud they are of us. But I still feel like that same 18 year old girl who had to tell her parents that she was pregnant.

Ayden is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Was life with him made more difficult in some situations, yes, but was everything I had to go through as a result of him all the more worth it, YES a million times over. Our paths in life are paved well before we are even born. Did God know to give me Ayden at the timing he did so that Ayden could help shape me into the person that I am today, I believe he did. He knew that both Jay and I would be able to handle it.

Has our family, both immediate and extended, been the most wonderful family that a girl could ever ask for... A MILLION TIMES OVER! Never wavering in their love or commitment for us. Do they wish that Jay and I didn't have to become parents so young and to have that kind of extra burden at that time, yes. Would they change it now, I'm hoping not. Do I have hopes that Ayden will not follow in our footsteps of young parenthood, of course. It's natural.

I've always been an against the grain kind of girl. I am SICK of the typical sterotypes the world has. I HATE that the norm is to get married and then have kids. I hate that it's expected. Whatever. Piss on that. I can be just as committed to Jay without a marriage license. I HAVE been for the last nine and a half years. Get a job and then have kids. Hate that to, haha! But of course kids come with expenses and those expenses typically need to be paid with some kind of income and unfortunately I don't millions just lying around, so I kind of need that one. I hate that AFTER the wedding we will be getting the when are you having more kids, are you having more kids, etc... questions. I already have ONE kid, why couldn't you have asked before? Screw what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I'm over it. Things won't change.

Not going to lie though, it just kind of hurts that I feel like I'll forever be that girl who got pregnant in high school and not the one that has overcomed so much and accomplished so much. And it's probably more my perception than anyone elses, my thinking that needs to change. I think I continue to just find things that challenge me that I can prove to myself I can overcome to get rid of the persona that I'm holding onto. I am no longer that girl in high school (who by the way graduated with honors, so yeah, I've always been on top of my game), I have accomplished SO much since then. I just don't let myself revel in anything that I've accomplished. I finish one thing and find the next to over take.

Go to college, pick the degree that requires the most schooling. Got that. Okay. Go back and get your doctorate. Take up running. Finish a 5k. Awesome. Now a half marathon. You ran a half marathon. Awesome. Okay. What about a full marathon. Plan your whole DIY wedding by yourself. Do lots of DIY crafts that add on extra stress. Work full time, take care of said child, hold together a relationship, and go to school... all without even getting paid. Easy peasy! What's next?!

This 'real' life stuff is going to be a piece of cake! Please, work all day and then NO homework at night. I can TOTALLY do that one! LMAO!

(Vent over... regular scheduled blogging shall return shortly.)

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{maximize your life}

(written Monday)

Last night Victoria and I trekked to Milwaukee and back to see Jillian Michaels. We got to see Jillian Michales... IN PERSON! Dude, I have a serious girl crush on her and the entire time that we were there watching her speak I just wanted to go up to her and pinch her to make sure she was real, haha! We had pretty decent seats and her presentation went over great!

We had a minor roadblock in getting to the actual theater. We both live in a small town about an hour and a half away from Milwaukee and neither of us really wanted to drive to get there, but I decided that I would. The directions didn't seem too hard to follow, my GPS was working, and Victoria promised to be a good co-pilot. Plus, we were leaving around 5pm on a Sunday so I wasn't expecting the traffic to be too bad.
The drive down was easy peasy and we even managed to get through the super highway criss cross thingy that I swore I would never drive on just fine. We got down towards the theater and it became a little busier. I may or may not have knowingly gone straight in a turn only lane, lol! Don't worry, I was checking to make sure no one was coming that I would hit or whatever. We were fine. We found the theater that we had assumed it was at, drove past that, found a parking ramp, grabbed a ticket, and then headed off to the theater... only to find out we were at the wrong one! LMAO! Totally my fault! Thankfully the one we needed to be at was only another block away and we still had plenty of time get there.

We found the correct theater (and were happy to know that we weren't the only ones who messed up and went to the wrong one first), got our tickets from the will call ticket booth and found our seats. Then it was full on Jillian time. I think the best part about screwing up the first time was that we didn't have to wait long before Jillian came on. Two great surprises at the beginning of the show... her little daughter came running out on the stage... AND... Dani from this past season of the Biggest Loser was also there! I cheered for Dani the whole time! It was totally cool!

So, the presentation started and Jillian is just SO real! She doesn't hold back, she cusses, she wore freaking flip flops, and we had tons of laughs throughout! I think the best part was seeing that she is exactly the same person I had pictured her to be after seeing her on TV and during her workout videos. It was so great and I'm so glad that I could share in the experience with my bestie! I think she enjoyed it as much as I did, at least I hope she did! I would have loved to have had VIP passes to see the meet and greet and the questions her and Dani were going to answer afterwards, but we didn't. It was about a three hour long engagement and it was totally worth the money. And actually tickets weren't that expensive and we had good seats!

We maneuvered out of Milwaukee just fine. Thankfully by 10:30pm the roads are pretty empty and our drive home was fine. We got home around midnight and I was up bright and early this morning. Tired does not begin to explain how I feel this morning, haha! Actually, I downed some Spark bright and early and I felt pretty good throughout the majority of the day. I drank lots and lots of water. I needed to make up for my lackage of water drinking yesterday. I did pretty good on Sunday with at least 80 ounces, although I'm shooting for about 100 ounces per day these days. Funny thought, I had a Mt. Dew yesterday afternoon because I was just dying of thirst and it sounded semi good. I knew I would need some caffeine and so I just popped a can of soda. I don't often have soda much these days. Anyways, even as I was tilting the can back to take a drink I thought to myself that this wasn't going to taste very good or satisfying and honestly, it didn't. I regretted drinking it afterwards.

Yesterday, my mom, Ayden, and I had a picnic lunch at High Cliff and then went for what I wanted to be a nice leisurely hike but turned into scaling down this huge hill and then having to scale back up it. It was a great hike though that involved trying to jump over giant puddles of water, enjoying the warm sunshine, and just having fun!

My knee killed after the run on Saturday. I was doing good for pretty much the entire run, but right towards the end as we were going through some woods I felt something tweak in it and then I was the one telling Ayden to slow down. It hurt like a mother! I don't think it helped that the majority of the run was on uneven grass. It sucked. For the rest of the weekend I braced it which seemed to help some. People, I am dying here with the knee! Honestly though, this morning it felt pretty good. Definitely not as sore as I was expecting. The weather is great and I'm just dying to get out and run. Cross train and strength train, that is what I need to do! It starts tonight with a bike ride with the little man. I am going to try and go swimming some more too. I took about two weeks off of no hardcore working out, but it's back into it. I tell you. This nice weather and me, we like each other. I can't sit inside so even if it means walking outside instead of running, that's what I'll do! I also need to continue trying to eat better as well! This weekend was a bust, haha! Oh well! That rocky road shake I had at Scoops with the little man was well deserved and I can't say no to special moments like that, especially when we had a gift card, hehe!

And it definitely doesn't help when I bring donuts into work like I did today, but I wanted to thank everyone for being so awesome to me this last year. If only I could have kept my hands off of them. I had one and a half. Oops! But it tasted SO good! I suppose I really need to go on the bike ride tonight, don't I?!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{dream in color 5k}

Today my sister, Emily, her boyfriend, John (Ayden’s most favorite person right now), Ayden, my bestie, Victoria, her son, Parker, and myself ran/walked the Dream in Color 5k and we ALL had an absolute BLAST!

If you recall, I was supposed to do the Color Run 5k with Victoria on New Years Day; however, I was deathly ill, so I couldn’t. She ran alone and rocked her very first 5k in absolute freezing weather, like literally, and has never turned back! That girl rocks my socks off!

Anyways, once I found this race was going on near us (and in warmer weather), I knew we just HAD to do it and we would take the little men in our lives along… AND I would almost force my sister and John to do it as well. I mean, afterall, they were both training to run a 5k at some point in the future anyways, why not get them started with something uber fun?! Yeah, I thought so!

So, this morning, we were all off to have some fun!

This was my pre-race get up. I was SO hoping to wear capri tights and just the tanktops, but mother nature wasn’t having it and so I layered up and kept warm instead! Smart choice on my part and I actually even put my race shirt over the tanks as well. Worked out nice!I can’t speak for Emily or John, but I had no pre-race jitters for this event. Maybe it was because I had done a few before, maybe it was because I knew we’d be walking most of it, maybe it was because I had my favorite little man with me… who knows… I just know that we were all excited and ready to go!

I had told Emily and John that I didn’t know how much Ayden would actually run and that if they wanted to go ahead of us at any point we would be totally fine with it. I had to stick with the little man and I was okay with that. We were just doing the run/walk for fun anyways. They let groups of about 50-60 go every few minutes and we were in the third group to get let out.

We all started out running at a slow jog and made it maybe a quarter of a mile before Ayden needed to walk. Fine by me! I told him he set the pace and it stayed that way for maybe the next half mile, haha! I realized I forgot to start my watch at the beginning of the race, so we were half a mile short upon finish, but that’s okay.

We ran through the first color station (and everyone there after). Shortly before the first station, Emily and John took off from us and ran ahead. After the first color station I decided to set the pace for Ayden and I. And by that I mean, I let us walk for a bit, then run for a bit, then walk, then run. We always ran nice and slow, although Ayden wanted to always go faster. I probably asked him every two minutes how he was doing. He surprised me. Every time we walked, I would say, okay, let’s walk until this point, then run. Once we started to run, I’d say, let’s run until here and then walk. It was never very far for either and if he needed to walk while we were running, we slowed down. My dear readers, my son AMAZED me! He did absolutely awesome! I am SO proud of him! SO proud!

We figure we finished the actual length of the 5k in just over 40 minutes! Amazeballs job to Emily and John and Ayden! They all rocked their first 5k! SO proud of everyone! I think they all had just as great of time as I did, at least I hope so! Ayden has decided that he wants to run a 5k with me at the end of the summer and I think I have Emily and John talked into it as well! I need to get them hooked too! I found us a perfect local 5k to do in August! And just to prove to me that little man has it in him, this afternoon while we were out at the park he ran the entire way around the track without stopping! Another proud mommy moment!Meanwhile, Victoria and Parker were also making their way through the course. Parker’s little legs had them going at a slower pace, but they finished strong and full of color as well! Everyone did it! 3.1 miles in bright and early on a Saturday morning!

And of course it wouldn’t be official unless Victoria and I got an end of the race picture!Gosh, what a wonderful start to the weekend!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{sneaky little fella}

When the weather gets nice and our bird feeder is full… we have a friend who likes to visit… meet Mr. Squirrel! (At least he’s outside our house and not in our basement, haha!)Mr. Squirrel feels that the birds don’t need to eat the food from OUR feeder, but that it should be all his and only his…MMMmmm, that’s some good stuff!AHHHH! Someone help ME!Oh thank goodness I didn’t fall! Haha!Cute Mr. Squirrel… you probably shouldn’t come back. The men of this house are just dying to ‘take care’ of you! Haha!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{from newbie to Au.D.}

Before I jump head first into my plans for this post, I just wanted to say that I am feeling much better today after yesterday's vent/woe is me whiny post. I knew I just needed to get it out and let go of it and move on. The words and feelings had been floating around in my head for the entire week and I just couldn't get myself to sit down and get all of the ickiness negative feelings out of my head so I could let the positive ones in. Today is about positivity and moving forward. Don't take my last post in the wrong way... I am more than grateful for the people and things in my life and know how completely I am blessed with my family and everything else. Just sometimes the negative thoughts creep in and I let them get to me. I can't be perfect all of the time. Actually, I'm never perfect and don't pretend to be. I have many more faults in me than may appear from the outside. We all do. Enough said.

And now for what I had originally planned to post about. Going from a newbie in Stevens Point to an Au.D. in Chilton. Oh how the last eight years have flown by! I remember the final drive away from Chilton and staying in Stevens Point as a family for the first time like it was just yesterday. Jay and I were both only 19 at the time and we had a one year old son. We were setting off on our own and had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. It was crazy! I look back on those times and wonder how we ever made it. Our story as a family has many ups and downs (more ups), but then so does everyone's story.

We settled into our first home away from home and started college in a new town away from everyone we knew. We both got jobs and our 'grown up' life started. I remember even then wondering and thinking how we would make it through our undergrad years.

And yet, time never stood still and we continued to thrive away from home. We made friends. We passed classes. We failed classes (well only one). We started to love Stevens Point and started to consider it our new home.

After two years in our first apartment, we outgrew it and wanted to move. We found our second home in Stevens Point. I graduated from college and then Jay graduated from college. Then I decided it might be smart to go back for my Doctorate. O.M.G.! I had NO idea what I was getting myself into! Haha!
By that time we had a pretty solid foundation in Stevens Point. It had become our home. We loved the city. We had fallen pleasantly into the role of parents. Ayden kept us on our toes. It was great. We were doing alright. We were making it on our own and we were all happy. I started grad school and then we decided that we wanted to move AGAIN. Well, mostly it was me deciding. I like change, haha! We found our third home in Stevens Point and it was by far the best we had out of the three. We spent three years in that house and loved them all! We travelled the city by bike and frequented the parks and the library.

I started the Au.D. program and thought to myself after the first year that I was insane. There was no way humanly possible that I was going to make it through the next three years and actually graduate with my Doctorate. Just not going to happen! Classes and projects and work and family got just really overwhelming at times. But my honey made life tolerable and he put up with me (haha) and my little man knew just the right things to say and do to put a smile on his mommy's face (still does).

Before I knew it, it was time to consider a fourth year placement and decide if we wanted to up and move our family again. It was decided. We were going to move back to our hometown. I had a great placement lined up and Jay found an amazing job. Ayden would go to school where we went. I had great fears about moving back to our home town though. If you've read my blog for any length of them, you probably read about those. I wasn't concerned about finding a place to live... it sort of fell into our laps, haha! I was worried that after seven years of living away from our family and making it work on our own that once we moved back we would start to rely on them and I didn't want that. We knew we could make it on our own and I didn't want to stop doing that.

Oh how I was wrong! See, it happens, haha! Happens quite a bit actually! Moving back 'home' was the best decision that we could have made. We are still operating as our own family and doing things on our own, but we are SO much more involved in our families than we were when we lived in Stevens Point. I loved Point and still do. Actually, it is probably one of the only farther away cities that I would consider moving back to at some point. There is nothing like getting a call on the way home from work from your dad asking if you want to have supper with them, or your mom stopping in unannounced to show you her new vehicle. It's the little moments that I didn't even know we were missing until we moved back. The interference I was expecting from our families hasn't happened. I think they all realized that since we were away for seven years, we knew what we were doing and how to operate on our own that they didn't need to. We moved away as we were becoming adults and we came back adults. I don't know that our parents were ever really THAT concerned about us, but as a parent myself now, I know that we were never very far from anyone's mind.

I sit and just smile about all that has happened in the last eight years and cannot believe in just two weeks my formal education will come to a close. I remember my high school graduation and it being bitter sweet. An ending and a beginning. I was proud at my college graduation of what I had accomplished; however, because I knew I would be going back once the summer was over, it wasn't THAT big of a deal for me. Now as I sit and wait for my last graduation I can't help but think of all of the people who have helped me get this far. If it weren't for the continued support from Jay and Ayden, both of our families, immediate and extended, my friends, co-workers, supervisors, and professors... I wouldn't currently be waiting to graduate with my Doctorate. It is just an amazing feeling!

As this chapter of my life comes to a close, I am MORE than ready for the next one to start! Bring it on 'real' life! It's time to put some money in the bank, hehe!

CIAO! LOVE ME!