{kinda stung}

I had an eye opening moment the other day at work. Totally unintentional, but aren't most. Earlier this week while at work I had plans to give everyone a thank you card from me for being so great over the last year. It just worked out that we were all in the same room together at one time (well waiting for one more person to join us) and I was just about ready to give out the cards. Before doing so, one of the ladies made motion to get up and leave and I told her to wait because I had wanted to share something with everyone, but we were waiting on one person.

(Fyi, there are only five of us in the office and all are women.) Before anyone began to assume anything, I quickly blurted out that I wasn't pregnant (you know, because people assume those kinds of announcements) and almost immediately one of my co-workers said something alone the lines of oh good, you wouldn't want to screw up what you have right now. And almost as quickly as she said it, she back pedalled and was like, I didn't mean that in a bad way, but with the wedding and everything. At the time I just brushed it off. She's going through some serious family stuff right now and I forgive her for saying it, but after thinking about it, I know at least some part of her meant it because otherwise she wouldn't have said it, and honestly, it kind of stung. I don't harbor any bad feelings for her because she's definitely a great person, inside and out. Everyone I work with is... they have become family to me!

Am I really still at THAT point where getting pregnant would be looked at as bad or wrong? I mean, I'm 26, almost 27. Jay is 27. He has a good full time paying job with benefits. I am graduating with my freaking DOCTORATE in less than two weeks. I have a good job just waiting for me until I get that diploma and we are freaking getting married in less than four months. Would getting or being pregnant right now really be THAT bad? (Don't get me wrong, I am NOT pregnant, nor are we actively trying TO GET pregnant, but if it were TO happen, would people still think we shouldn't have?- Sidenote, yes things may have been more difficult adding another baby to the family before graduating or getting married or getting a job, both Jay and I realized that, hence why we made the decision to not have any more children until those things were accomplished first.) I mean HELLO my cousin had four or five kids by the time she was 27 and I didn't see anyone saying those things about her. I'm pretty sure my mom was done (or almost done) have kids by 27 and I haven't even freaking gotten started! Shut up people, I know I have Ayden, but I want at least two more kids, maybe three, so no, I haven't gotten started.

I'm actually kind of pissed about it now that I think about it more. Jay and I have been together for over freaking nine and a half years (I don't think either of us are going anywhere anytime soon... we're far past that seven year itch, haha) and I have only had ONE family member... ONE FREAKING FAMILY MEMBER ask us (and it was just recently) if we are planning on having more kids. Fuck you for not asking! Yes, fuck you! Have I talked about my want for more children with family before (and many more people), yes, but no one ever is the first to ASK!!! Just because we are not married yet... just because we had Ayden when we were 18... just because I'm STILL in school (GETTING MY FUCKING DOCTORATE'S DEGREE... YES, GETTING MY DOCTORATES! Yes, I am getting up on my soap box about that now because I should be damn proud of myself instead of just brushing off everyone's congratulations like it's been no big deal), none of those previous things doesn't FUCKING mean we don't want more kids or that you can't ask. Like it's taboo or would be taboo if we were to have more kids before I got a 'real' job or we got married. I feel like we are still the freaking teenagers that got pregnant and screwed up their lives by having a baby. I SHOULDN'T have to feel that way. I feel that unless everything is all set and perfect and our lives are finally set 'in motion' that no one would rejoice with us if we were to announce tomorrow that Ayden would be becoming a big brother. I SHOULDN'T have to feel that way. Would that situation be ideal, no. I'd like to fit into my wedding dress thank you very much. But I do. And it hurts. I feel like having Ayden at 18 trumps everything else that we've accomplished in life, even if people don't see it that way anymore. Yes, Jay and I both graduated college and I'm getting my doctorate, and yes our family tells us how proud they are of us. But I still feel like that same 18 year old girl who had to tell her parents that she was pregnant.

Ayden is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Was life with him made more difficult in some situations, yes, but was everything I had to go through as a result of him all the more worth it, YES a million times over. Our paths in life are paved well before we are even born. Did God know to give me Ayden at the timing he did so that Ayden could help shape me into the person that I am today, I believe he did. He knew that both Jay and I would be able to handle it.

Has our family, both immediate and extended, been the most wonderful family that a girl could ever ask for... A MILLION TIMES OVER! Never wavering in their love or commitment for us. Do they wish that Jay and I didn't have to become parents so young and to have that kind of extra burden at that time, yes. Would they change it now, I'm hoping not. Do I have hopes that Ayden will not follow in our footsteps of young parenthood, of course. It's natural.

I've always been an against the grain kind of girl. I am SICK of the typical sterotypes the world has. I HATE that the norm is to get married and then have kids. I hate that it's expected. Whatever. Piss on that. I can be just as committed to Jay without a marriage license. I HAVE been for the last nine and a half years. Get a job and then have kids. Hate that to, haha! But of course kids come with expenses and those expenses typically need to be paid with some kind of income and unfortunately I don't millions just lying around, so I kind of need that one. I hate that AFTER the wedding we will be getting the when are you having more kids, are you having more kids, etc... questions. I already have ONE kid, why couldn't you have asked before? Screw what is SUPPOSED to happen. Whatever. I'm over it. Things won't change.

Not going to lie though, it just kind of hurts that I feel like I'll forever be that girl who got pregnant in high school and not the one that has overcomed so much and accomplished so much. And it's probably more my perception than anyone elses, my thinking that needs to change. I think I continue to just find things that challenge me that I can prove to myself I can overcome to get rid of the persona that I'm holding onto. I am no longer that girl in high school (who by the way graduated with honors, so yeah, I've always been on top of my game), I have accomplished SO much since then. I just don't let myself revel in anything that I've accomplished. I finish one thing and find the next to over take.

Go to college, pick the degree that requires the most schooling. Got that. Okay. Go back and get your doctorate. Take up running. Finish a 5k. Awesome. Now a half marathon. You ran a half marathon. Awesome. Okay. What about a full marathon. Plan your whole DIY wedding by yourself. Do lots of DIY crafts that add on extra stress. Work full time, take care of said child, hold together a relationship, and go to school... all without even getting paid. Easy peasy! What's next?!

This 'real' life stuff is going to be a piece of cake! Please, work all day and then NO homework at night. I can TOTALLY do that one! LMAO!

(Vent over... regular scheduled blogging shall return shortly.)

CIAO! LOVE ME!