{need a kick in the arse}

I tell myself each and every day... today is a new day... today you will eat good... today you will work out... and end each day, tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow you WILL eat good... tomorrow you WILL work out... and I've been starting every following day by stepping on the scale and only seeing it increase. Friends, my scale has hit a number I refused to see on it in the last five months. Please shut your gaping mouth at me with your comments of you skinny bitch, you don't need to worry about your weight. My blog, my issues. Yup, thank you.

I worked my arse off to reach 115 lbs before we moved. Then we moved. Then I started my externship. Then summer came and lots of family get togethers with lots of yummy food. And there went my motivation. And there went my good eating. I have a soft spot for chocolate. I canNOT stop eating it. And now... I weigh five pounds more than I want to. FIVE FREAKING POUNDS! The same FIVE FREAKING POUNDS that it took me almost three months to lose in the first place. Vomit in my mouth. I am SO disappointed in myself and then feeling bad about it just makes me want to dig into a big pint of Ben and Jerry's and continue to tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day and cross my fingers and hope that the next morning somehow that extra weight will melt off in my sleep. And we are talking five freaking pounds more than I want to weigh in the morning at the beginning of my day stepping on the scale stark naked! Because yes, I don't want my pj t-shirt, glasses, or my underwear adding even an ounce of extra weight to the number the scale reads out. I am neurotic and slightly over obsessive like that. So that means by the end of the day, I'm probably closer to six or SEVEN pounds more than I want to be! Even more vomit! And truth be told, I'm probably better off at 120 lbs than 115 lbs, but only if I were to get my arse into better physical shape. My 120 lbs right now includes a gut that is more flab than ab... ugh! 

Come someone somewhere please develop a way for me to enjoy a nightly bowl of chocolate ice cream without having to pay for it in the morning?! PLEASE! I mean seriously, I was doing SO well yesterday... until I got home. Being at home is my weakness. Who in their right mind can turn away Grandma Hoerth 'bag o cake'? Especially when it not only has cherry chip, but also marble in it? Delish, no? OF COURSE!

My physical activity level has been next to nil too! No wonder so much of the working world is obese. Hell, the last thing I want to do after a long arse day at clinic is come home and work out. I am exhausted! I know my piss poor attitude about it lately doesn't help either.

Remember when I said life ebbs and flows... I think I'm ebbing right now. Maybe it has something to do with the impending arrival of my monthly friend. Jay would be the first to jump in and say I'm PMSing right now and that could be it... hormones running tight and high maybe?! I've been a bit snippy, I know I have. It kind of started on Sunday when we sat at home and did nothing all day. I was SO ready to be back to clinic on Monday and ended up having a really good day, and then got home and was sort of in a bad mood. 

I wish I had someone I could routinely be active with... someone that would keep me accountable at a specific time every day. It is so much easier to work out with someone and be motivated, or at least maybe that is me. Or maybe I am just in need of a good arse kicking. Or maybe I'm just PMSing and next week will be totally different. 

In any case, I think I just like typing the word arse today. There you have it... now someone give me a good kick!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{back to the grind}

After four days off (courtesy of my supervisor having vacation), I can't believe I am saying this, but I am ready to head back to clinic tomorrow. Working girl here... just guess it was meant to be. Love being at home with Ayden, but need my patients as well. We have definitely enjoyed the last four days together. On Thursday, we had Ayden's cousin (and mine), Mitchell, over for the day and they had a TON of fun together. I am sad that we didn't do it sooner in the summer. Because they kept each other busy for the majority of the day, it left me with some time to just chill. Actually, I got caught up on my laundry that day and started cleaning for Ayden's birthday party yesterday, which by the way was awesome!

Jay and I sort of got into it on Thursday night. You know, that old adage of open communication isn't always my forte. He had been gone every night that week thus far and we hadn't really got to spend any time together... especially since he tends to go to bed earlier than me most nights. I was sort of looking forward to Thursday, as not only would I actually get to see him, but there was quite a bit of cleaning that needed to be done. Well, not so much cleaning, as there was shit of his that needed to be put away and I wasn't going to be doing any of the putting away. Nothing pisses this woman off more than getting something out and then just letting it sit for weeks on end... NOTHING!!! This type A personality likes to keep a clean home (most of the time)... that's just me. Talk to me after I have more little munchkins running around the house and that very well may be completely different. I do have pictures from when Ayden was younger and we have toys strewn EVERYWHERE in the living room. Now that he is old enough to mostly pick up after himself, I make a habit of having him do that. Do I allow toys to stay out overnight, of course, my house isn't ALWAYS in order. Case in point, because I refuse to do the dishes, there are almost ALWAYS a pile of dishes on my counter. Oh well, haha!

Anyways, back to what I was saying about Jay... he called me at 2:30pm and told me he was on his way home from work and needed to stop at his parents for something quick. By 4pm, he was STILL not home and so Ayden and I went to drop Mitchell off and then went for a bike ride when we got home. As we were getting home from our bike ride around 5pm (or maybe a little after), Jay was leaving the house to take his parent's lawn mower back. When he got home after 7pm, I was a little peaved because we still needed to get groceries for Ayden's party. He went shopping alone and we didn't speak for the rest of the night. So much for seeing him that night. Ugh! We were fine again though when he got home after work on Friday.

On Friday afternoon, my sister Alexis came over to spend the night and play with Ayden. Love that those two can also keep each other company, but it is tiring with two of them, no doubt! Just watching them exhausted me, haha! They were both a great help on Saturday morning with some last minute cleaning and all of the decorating! They did all of the decorating and even though it was Ashley perfect, it was Ayden and Alexis perfect and I didn't change anything! They were so proud of themselves with the decorating! The party was great and I cannot thank my family enough for coming over and celebrating Ayden's birthday with us. We have the best family in the world! Jay's grandma even brought us some flowers from her garden. Literally the sweetest grandma EVER! Although, Jay's other grandma comes in a close second. I couldn't be marrying into a better family! (That's not to say my grandparents aren't pretty awesome either... I have some VERY fond memories of supper at my dad's parent's house with everyone coming over, and still love the impromptu get-togethers there!)

I was supposed to have a senior photoshoot this morning, but the rain put a kaboosh on that. I was bummed as I scoured Pinterest last night for inspiration and found some awesome stuff and was excited about it! I was able to reschedule with the client for next weekend. Next weekend and the weekend after are going to be super busy. Next weekend I am photographing a wedding with my cousin that I am really excited about, then the senior shoot, and the weekend after I had two photoshoots on Saturday and then another one scheduled for Sunday... busy busy busy! I don't have anything planned for the following weekend after that and don't know if I want to plan anything for it right now, haha! I will probably need some downtime! I remember that I was really busy at this time last year as well with photoshoots.

Little man starts 3rd grade next week... ugh, haha!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{annual schwobe camping}

My birthday fell on our annual Schwobe camping weekend this year and it couldn't have been better. It was one of the best birthdays I have had in a LONG time!

Every year, a few of my aunts on my dad's side (the Schwobe side) say that they are not going camping the following year and yet every year, almost everyone comes. This year was no exception. (Although two families were unable to make it, we still had a great time. Also, my sister, Emily, had a friend's wedding to attend and although I know she had a good time at the wedding, we still missed her at camping!)

It was almost the perfect set up for the camp sites. Almost everyone gets a cabin wherever we end up being at and this year the community gathering site was close to everyone and no one had to walk very far to their cabins, whereas in years past, someone usually ends up having to walk a ways away. Also, this year was the first year that my dad's oldest sister and her children (well two of the three) came to camping and I think that they all enjoyed themselves too!

I didn't see Ayden much of the weekend because he was too busy playing with his (our) cousin, Mitchell, who is the same age as him. Because the campgrounds themselves were relatively small, I was not afraid to let those two go biking around by themselves. They did have a pool at the campgrounds, although I decided not to go swimming. It was just a bit too chilly for me to enjoy swimming outside. But, Ayden, and many of my other cousins had a blast in the pool and I had just as great of a time watching them!

My birthday was on Saturday, the only full day that we were there, and it was a lot of fun. I made a yummy chocolate cake for everyone, Jay made his yummy tinfoil potatoes, and I even got to go on a nature hike that was BEAUTIFUL! If you live in the Dells area, you HAVE to check out Parfrey's Glen! The walk (with four of my aunts and two of my cousins) started out on a paved path through the woods that led to a crushed gravel pathway that soon led to us hoping rocks across a small stream and then led to climbing big boulders! My kind of nature hike! After getting there, I knew that it was a place that Ayden would have loved to go as well, but he stayed back at the campsite with Mitch to play, which was fine with me. Beth (one of my cousins) and I were even scaling a rock wall at one point! Too much fun... wait, it was my birthday, can one have too much fun on their birthday?!

It was really just nice to be surrounded by my family on my birthday and to feel the love, haha!

That night, I told Jay that I wanted to go to the casino (which happened to be right down the road from the campsite, I mean we are talking the Dells) to get some free money. I mean, the casino should give you some free money on your birthday, right?! Okay, so they gave me a measely five dollars. But a free five dollars is better than no free money at all. I also was going to spend $20... so not putting in more than $25... I quickly went through my $20 on the slot machines, oops, I am not a very good gambler and then I got pissed because I couldn't figure out how to get my $5 off of my little card thingy. Well, Jay figured it out for me after I pouted for a little bit. I mean seriously, I had my $20 spent not even a half hour after we arrived, lol! And by the time Jay spent my $5 in free play, he had earned me back another $15. I should have stopped there, but I didn't and I blew that down to $2, but then made it back and cashed out with just under $10. I think Jay cashed out with a decent amount of money as well, but we still ended up losing like $5 or $6... not too bad for just playing the slots... at least I didn't think so.

Sunday was pack up day and head home… I spent the rest of the afternoon holed up in my bedroom relaxing and watching TV, it was the perfect end to my weekend!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{little man’s birthday}

I am in awe, complete awe, today yesterday...

I am the mother to one of the most precious little 8 year old boys there is. Me. How special!

Eight years ago, today yesterday, my little man made his entrance into this world. It is a day that this momma will never forget.

I think back over the last eight years and cannot imagine a second of my life without my little man. There have been occasions where I have wondered what life might have been without him in it and things are just never very clear or bright. It is hard to even fathom what life might be like right now... completely and utterly not the same.

Ayden Dallas Hoerth, you bring more joy and light into my world than even I thought possible!

I am not a perfect mom and I don't strive to be, because I know it isn't possible. But I do strive to be the best momma I can to you. You are at an age now where you hold nothing in and most of the time it is SO sweet. You are so open with your love right now and it makes me melt inside when you haven't seen me all day and you come running to give me a hug. I enjoy nothing more than cuddling with you after a long stressful day at work and getting your hugs and smooches.

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{really THE one}

A number of weeks ago I stopped at a small bridal boutique with a friend of mine and our little guys. At that time, I tried on just a few wedding dresses, it being the first time that I was at a place that had more than just a select few dresses and a number of them in my price range… If you read my blog, you may remember me mentioning that I thought I had found my wedding dress, but I couldn’t buy it then because I hadn’t gone shopping with my mom and sister yet.

I planned a day to go back to the shop with my mom and sister this past week, so I could show them the dress and possibly try on a few more. My sister’s boyfriend happened to be in town as well and he offered to watch Ayden while we went shopping. SO nice of him!

When we got to the boutique, we started to peruse the racks of gowns and I started to pull more and more. I ended up pulling one that was completely not the look that I had in mind and didn’t think I was going to end up liking it, but it was really pretty on the hanger. I also had the consultant put ‘my dress’ into the dressing room without showing my mom and sister first. I think I had another five dresses to try on that day.

I also pulled a number of bridesmaid dresses for my sister to try on as well… there was quite a few! (Thankfully, one of my other bridesmaids showed up and she tried some dresses on as well, so my sister didn’t have to try them all on.)

As I started to try on the wedding dresses, I kept ‘my dress’ until the second last one. I tried on a poufy dress and although it was very pretty, it just wasn’t me. Oh well. I still liked ‘my dress’ well enough, but at that point I was starting to second guess my thoughts about it. I mean, it was still a very pretty dress, but I just wasn’t as sure about it. I kept the dress that was really pretty, but didn’t think would be my taste, for the last one. For some reason, I had a really good feeling about it.

I put the dress on and while I was in the dressing room with the consultant clamping the back so it would stay up, haha, I saw myself in the mirror and I think I knew then that it was THE dress. I went to show my mom and sister and although I feel like neither of them would have told me that they didn’t really care for a dress that I was trying on… prefer one over the other, sure, but not totally dislike. It still felt really weird trying on wedding dresses and feeling like that at some point I am actually going to be the one getting married instead of everyone around me.

In the end, I ended up getting the last dress I tried on with a super cute headband (that I probably could have found cheaper someplace else, but I liked it too much). Because I bought and paid for the dress that day, I was able to take a picture of myself in the dress. (Okay, so my lovely sister did that for me.) And to be honest, I cannot stop looking at it! Like, wish my wedding was tomorrow cannot stop looking at it. I know that I said I liked, maybe even loved, the first dress that I thought was THE one, but this is different. The whole feeling I got while in the dress was different. If you’ve gotten married and/or went wedding dress shopping and found your dress, you know what I am talking about. I would so post a picture of the dress; however, I cannot 100% guarantee that somehow Jay will not come across my blog and as much as I don’t care about him seeing the dress before the wedding, I don’t think he really wants to, so with that… I will not be posting a picture of the dress.

If you happen to know me in real life and have my phone number and would like to see the dress, feel free to send me a text and I will send you the picture.

As I mentioned before, my sister and friend, Kristi, tried on bridesmaid dresses and I found the one I want for the bridesmaids too. Originally I thought I wouldn't mind if the bridesmaids had different dresses and its not that I have anything against that because I've seen multiple weddings where that has been the case recently, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted everyone matching. I don't know, maybe I will become a bridezilla eventually... okay, probably not, but I can get pretty picky about certain things, hehe! I also found the dress I want my youngest sister, Alexis to wear as well! So excited!

Literally canNOT stop thinking about it now!

CIAO! LOVE ME!