{need a kick in the arse}

I tell myself each and every day... today is a new day... today you will eat good... today you will work out... and end each day, tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow you WILL eat good... tomorrow you WILL work out... and I've been starting every following day by stepping on the scale and only seeing it increase. Friends, my scale has hit a number I refused to see on it in the last five months. Please shut your gaping mouth at me with your comments of you skinny bitch, you don't need to worry about your weight. My blog, my issues. Yup, thank you.

I worked my arse off to reach 115 lbs before we moved. Then we moved. Then I started my externship. Then summer came and lots of family get togethers with lots of yummy food. And there went my motivation. And there went my good eating. I have a soft spot for chocolate. I canNOT stop eating it. And now... I weigh five pounds more than I want to. FIVE FREAKING POUNDS! The same FIVE FREAKING POUNDS that it took me almost three months to lose in the first place. Vomit in my mouth. I am SO disappointed in myself and then feeling bad about it just makes me want to dig into a big pint of Ben and Jerry's and continue to tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day and cross my fingers and hope that the next morning somehow that extra weight will melt off in my sleep. And we are talking five freaking pounds more than I want to weigh in the morning at the beginning of my day stepping on the scale stark naked! Because yes, I don't want my pj t-shirt, glasses, or my underwear adding even an ounce of extra weight to the number the scale reads out. I am neurotic and slightly over obsessive like that. So that means by the end of the day, I'm probably closer to six or SEVEN pounds more than I want to be! Even more vomit! And truth be told, I'm probably better off at 120 lbs than 115 lbs, but only if I were to get my arse into better physical shape. My 120 lbs right now includes a gut that is more flab than ab... ugh! 

Come someone somewhere please develop a way for me to enjoy a nightly bowl of chocolate ice cream without having to pay for it in the morning?! PLEASE! I mean seriously, I was doing SO well yesterday... until I got home. Being at home is my weakness. Who in their right mind can turn away Grandma Hoerth 'bag o cake'? Especially when it not only has cherry chip, but also marble in it? Delish, no? OF COURSE!

My physical activity level has been next to nil too! No wonder so much of the working world is obese. Hell, the last thing I want to do after a long arse day at clinic is come home and work out. I am exhausted! I know my piss poor attitude about it lately doesn't help either.

Remember when I said life ebbs and flows... I think I'm ebbing right now. Maybe it has something to do with the impending arrival of my monthly friend. Jay would be the first to jump in and say I'm PMSing right now and that could be it... hormones running tight and high maybe?! I've been a bit snippy, I know I have. It kind of started on Sunday when we sat at home and did nothing all day. I was SO ready to be back to clinic on Monday and ended up having a really good day, and then got home and was sort of in a bad mood. 

I wish I had someone I could routinely be active with... someone that would keep me accountable at a specific time every day. It is so much easier to work out with someone and be motivated, or at least maybe that is me. Or maybe I am just in need of a good arse kicking. Or maybe I'm just PMSing and next week will be totally different. 

In any case, I think I just like typing the word arse today. There you have it... now someone give me a good kick!

CIAO! LOVE ME!