{feeling defeated}

Having sort of an ebbing kind of weekend where I am overall feeling defeated in life. Dramatic much, maybe, but you can't help it when you are just feeling not quite right especially when you think you should be. It is not as if life is going bad or what not, I'm just feeling out of sorts and down on myself in lots of different areas in my life. The fact that I did not do too much today probably plays into that as well because I know when I am lazy and eating too much my mood goes down hill, but I know that a few other things are playing into it as well.

Before I got sick I was craving my runs each day and building my endurance and reaching a new distance each weekend and knowing I was going to rock my half marathon when it comes in April. Working out and eating right had become almost second nature to me. Then I got sick and unmotivated. I lost endurance.

I was so excited that my first three mile run after being sick for two weeks went so well. It has been a constant struggle since that run. My motivation is lacking BIG time and my willpower to eat anything in sight is not there at all. Running has become hard again, harder than it ever seemed before. And the eating, it has become hard again too. I am craving all of the bad junk food and I am letting myself eat that crap more than I would normally. I can cop out and attritbute to TOM, but that is an easy cop out. Just because I'm craving it doesn't mean I need to eat it. And yet it continues to go in...

I've made myself run this week. I got in a good five mile run on the treadmill on Monday. That was a good run, I needed that one. Monday was a long day. I was productive again on Tuesday and worked out to Jillian. On Wednesday I wanted to bust out five miles again on the treadmill, but only made it to four. I kept telling myself that four was good enough... four was better than nothing. And it is, but I wanted that five so bad. I did five on Monday, so why couldn't I on Wednesday?! I know that deep down I probably could have slowed myself down on the treadmill (because I was kind of pushing myself for the first four) and have finished the five, but I didn't want to. I just gave up.

Thursday and Friday. Let's not go there. No attempt at working out and lots of bad eating.

Saturday. Saturday, had intentions of going for a run. My intentions were to hit maybe seven miles. I didn't know if I would be able to, but I thought it was a good goal to at least reach for. And the weather, oh, the weather was great on Saturday... at least in the morning. I set out and hit about two miles and then started negotiating with myself. Just hit at least five, maybe six. No more seven, but just keep going. Then at one point I thought just make it through three and you'll be good. But I stayed strong and when I finished my first loop and could have gone home and just done three, I started another loop and made it throught five and a half miles. They were kind of slow, but I still made it.

I am still struggling to find my inner runner again after 'coming back' from taking off, but slowly I think it will come back. I have some new motivation now. I have decided to get two small tattoos after I finish my half marathon. I have decided not to tell anyone (other than Jay) what they are until after I get them. They both are small and won't take too long, but I am super excited to get them. I have been wanting to get one of them for quite some time now, but I just haven't been able to justify it. I figure running 13.1 miles is a good goal to hit and then I can reward myself. Got to just keep going.

On a different note of feeling like a craptastic person... I got an email from little man's teacher this week. They were retesting the students with some state testing stuff and unfortunately little man did not quite make the strides in reading that we had hoped he would. It pains me to write this, but Ayden continues to struggle and be behind where he should be when it comes to reading. Grade wise, Ayden is doing well in the third grade. In fact, his actual reading grade went up from a C- in the first quarter to an A this second quarter. He continues to do well in math, social studies, and science. Some of his current reading difficulties are crossing over into language arts. I feel like part of this is my fault because we have not been pushing the reading as much at home as I know we should be. We all got slack at home and I wanted to believe that we did not need to do any extra work at home. I was wrong.

There is no going back though, only going forward. So, we've started a new regime at home, one that we are determined to stick with. Something short and sweet that can be done after school each day that will supplement what Ayden is getting at school. My little man is not dumb by any means. He is just struggling a little bit with reading and we are going to hopefully help bridge the gap. Moving forward again. Not backwards.

CIAO! LOVE ME!