{out of my mind}

I may have pounded out five miles on the treadmill last night, but they definitely weren't enjoyable miles and it was one of the few workouts where I've left in a worse mood coming in. The fact that I forgot my headphones/iPod definitely played into that worse mood as I was left alone with my thoughts for an hour. Nothing but me and the pounding of my feet on the treadmill belt in a gym full of people... despite being surrounded by a ton of people (which by the way becomes easier and easier every day), I felt like I was completely alone. Typically I have my headphones along and I can plug into the treadmill and watch one of the many TVs that are hanging from the ceiling, but yesterday I forgot. So, no TV, no music, just my ever thought processing brain.

It's like yesterday life after graduation suddenly became real. Each day graduation becomes one day closer and you cannot begin to imagine how excited I am about that. I have worked my ass off these last nine years and cannot wait to be Dr. Ashley. But honestly, as excited as I am, that thought also scares the crap out of me sometimes. I've been living in the 'real' world for the last nine years... living on my own (on my own an hour and a half from family), making things work with Jay (which has been mostly good), raising the world's most wonderful little man, paying bills, and going to school. Yes, I've had to worry about money to a certain extent... it's not as if we've ever asked for money from family because we haven't. I don't know why I keep thinking that the actual real world is going to be so much different than what it is now. I suppose though that the ever looming student loan debt that we have is what freaks the living daylights out of me and it shouldn't.

Yesterday was a day of really realizing that the 'end' is near. I got an email saying that graduation is going to be inside. Big bummer! (Although at least if the weather is craptastic this year, no one will be freezing.) Graduation for the doctoral candidates (me) isn't until the afternoon. Bummer again (mostly because I wanted it in the morning), and we only get six tickets. Not that I wanted every person in my family there... I don't know. It just really made me bug out and disappointed.

On top of that I found out about a job offer about an hour away. I know it would be an awesome job, but here's the thing... it is an hour away from where we currently live. Getting this job would mean moving because I really don't want to be driving an hour to work each day (especially with another Wisconsin winter like this... 45 minutes is enough and when I actually do get a job, I'll have to try a little harder at making it there when they are my patients and no one else can see them, ie: right now my supervisor sees them... that and the fact that she only lives five minutes from the office makes her drive a little easier to manage). A potential move could mean cutting Jay's drive down to next to nothing which would be awesome for him. But here's the thing, I don't want to move. It took me a long time to stop missing Point and feeling like that was home for me, but now I feel at home again in Chilton. And as small as the city is, as much as I hate not having my stores near by, the fact that our family is SO much closer has been the biggest blessing of everything. Although I don't see us living at our current residence forever, I was hoping we'd be here for at least two or three years and then be able to buy a house and really settle down. Moving would be changing Ayden's schools... again! I really DREAD doing that. At what point do I put getting a job over pulling my son from a school that he is just getting settled in to only have to transfer him again? My thoughts... never.

Now, I know that said potential job is most likely not the only job out there that I would be a fit for, but it has opened my eyes to what is coming in the next couple of months.

All of these obscene thoughts were running through my head on my run last night and I desperately wanted to give up at mile three, but I kept pushing. Last night was definitely more mental than physical. It sucked. I was in a pretty foul mood when I got home and really just wanted to veg, but Jay and I ended up talking and he seemed to ease my fears a little bit. I'm still worried, but I know that with him by my side we will work through whatever may come up. He has a good stable job right now with prospects of it continuing to grow in the future, so if I can find a good job that lets us stay in the area we will push through. We will never be rich, but that was never the point. I'd just love to be able to not have to count pennies out of the couch (not that we were ever at that point) and I think we will be well on our way to that in the coming years. I have faith.... we have faith.

And now that Ayden and I are stuck home for the day because of bad weather, I need to keep motivated before my mood sours again. I only had a half day of work scheduled for today and had grand plans of running some errands afterwards and hitting up the gym and getting home a little earlier than normal. Stupid mother nature decided I shouldn't do that today, rained out last night, froze the rain on the roads, and then snowed on top of that. A two hour delay for the little man meant I could still hit up work for a bit and do my errands, but that turned into no school because it's still snowing, no work, no errands, lets relax at home. Might just have to hit up my dad's treadmill tonight instead. And the errands will have to wait until next week I suppose. They are nothing important anyways. But seriously mother nature, we are broaching the end of February, you can give up anytime now... anytime!

CIAO! LOVE ME!