Proving myself and missing out…

It's no secret that Jay and I have done things 'backwards' according to today's norm. You know, the whole get married and then have babies thing, not the whole have babies then get married thing that the is the 'norm' for celebrities these days. What, you didn't know... Jay and I are actually famous celebrities, haha!

Sometimes I feel since we did do/are doing things 'out of order' that we are missing out. I'm sure he could care less and doesn't feel the same way, but I'm a girl, I'm entitled to these feelings, right? I missed out on enjoying my first pregnancy because I was too ashamed that I was pregnant. I might have come out and blatantly said it like that before, but yes, I was ashamed. Not ashamed of the baby growing inside me, but of the fact that I had gotten pregnant. If that makes any sense?! I was pregnant in high school, I was a straight A student, what happened? LONG story that includes time before Jay and I got together. But that’s not the point of this post.

So anyways, I was at a baby shower this weekend and it was really great. It was for Jay's aunt. Everyone was so happy to see her pregnant (not that they should be anything but)... and then I think back to my baby shower. Can I remember that long ago, haha! I don't remember the kind of joy that was at the baby shower this weekend. Maybe its because half of the people at my shower I really didn’t know because they were from Jay’s side of the family and at that point I really didn’t know a lot of them. I guess I really didn’t give it much thought at that point, I just didn’t want to be the center of attention (not my sort of thing). But I feel that at the party this weekend everyone was so ‘yeah she’s having a baby’ to the soon to be mom, and at mine they were thinking ‘poor her, hope she can make something of her future now’. I’m sure I’m wrong, but its just how I am feeling right now.

I think I have one or two pictures of myself showing my pregnant belly, and they are probably from my shower, when now I wish I would have an album full.

And now that Jay and I are engaged everyone keeps asking when we are going to get married and I hate having to tell them, who knows… hopefully someday we will have the money, when all around me people are getting engaged and planning weddings and have been together half the time that Jay and I have. I feel like people are getting so excited for these other couples and that by the time Jay and I get married, they will be like… well its about time, instead of all excited. Once again, I’m sure this isn’t/won’t be the case, but it’s how I am feeling right now.

Like because of how things happened with having a baby so young, that its taking seven times as long to do everything else that we should be doing and that I have to prove myself that much more to everyone. Not only go to college, but get my doctorate. Well, I didn’t set out to get my doctorate to prove to everyone that I could make it with having a kid so young, but its like, yeah, that’s right, I did make it. Not only are both Jay and I college grads, but I’m going to grad school.

But not only do I need to prove that I can make it, I feel like I need to prove to others that Jay is to. IE: his graduation party. Everyone kept asking him what he was going to do now that he graduated. Not that it is any of their business, but he’d answer that he was going to keep working where he is now. I know he didn’t see it how I thought everyone else was… the ones who don’t know our every day lives. I saw it as ‘oh, you’re going to just keep working at your college job even though you have a degree, you’re not going to do anything with your degree’ (even though no one said that obviously, I couldn’t help think that that was what they were thinking). So when I was around him and they’d ask, I felt like I needed to interject and explain why he was staying there and that he didn’t get a business degree to do a desk job, but to learn more about opening his own business because that is what he wants to do someday so him continuing to work where he is now is a good thing and he is getting paid decent etc etc etc… Like I needed to prove to them that he just didn’t get a degree and is wasting it, but is going to do something with his life.

And then there is the whole notion of wanting more kids. I can only hope Jay and I will be blessed with more kids someday. At this point we are preventing any future bambinos for the time being. But I can’t help think that if I did get pregnant, whether by us actively trying or it just happening, that we’d be looked down upon once again. But any other 23 (almost 24) year old who was married and in their career or a recent college grad would have their family ecstatic. Instead I feel like our families would be like, why didn’t you get married first, or why didn’t you wait until you were completely done with school or Jay got a ‘real’ job. That’s not to say they wouldn’t be supportive, but its something I fear, maybe because of the first time. And I’m sure it could be totally the opposite, but its just how I feel right now. Like I need to work twice as hard and prove everything to everyone because of something that happened when I was 18. The something that changed my world forever… the something I wouldn’t change even if my life depended on it because… that something holds my heart in his hand each and every day… that something is my Ayden…

What a bummer post…

CIAO! LOVE ME!