Positive Thoughts NEEDED!!!

Not only am I in need of some major motivation, I am need of some positive thoughts because I’m doing some major bumming right now. I know that I need to change things around, but I’m feeling kind of deflated right now and have been for the past few days. I just haven’t felt been feeling like myself lately… just going through the motions of each day and waiting for the next, and doing the same thing over the following day. It’s definitely been weighing on me a bit these past few days and I’m feeling worse and worse about myself. I feel like I’m starting to fail as a mom, fiancé, and student and I don’t like feeling like that.

Like I said, I feel like I get up in the morning and go through the motions of each day, go to bed, and then go through the same thing the next day. I’m not enjoying my classes as much, but I’m not sure if that is because I know that I have some tests coming up and the pressure is building, or if it is a culmination of a few other things. There is just so much going on during the day, that when I get home at the end of the day and see my to do list, I freeze and just sit there for the rest of the night. I feel like I’m watching Ayden more than interacting with him. Like I’m wasting my days with him. I know I’m not perfect in any aspect of my life, but it makes me sad to realize that I am missing out on time with him and it’s no one else’s fault than my own. I know that he isn’t any the wiser, its not as if I’m ignoring him or not meeting his needs, but I feel bad about it.

He’s the light of my world and such an amazing kid that I don’t want to waste a moment with him. Sometimes I feel bad that I’m unable to give him a playmate at this point in time. He does such an amazing job playing with himself and being so creative. I just love watching him act out things and to build things with his legos. It’s crazy awesome. But, he most likely won’t be getting a younger brother or sister for another three years or so and by that time he probably won’t want one, haha!

Jay and I honestly thought about trying for another kiddo these past few months, you know, get the perfect timing down so it wouldn’t interfere with my school schedule too much if it were to happen. But we only talked about it and that was it. And now, at this point, that ‘perfect timing’ has passed and the only logical thing to do is to wait until I am done with school now. Our perfect timing would have allowed the baby to be born mid to late summer (being pregnant throughout my second year of grad school) and then going through my third and last year of actual class with a new baby and going into my externship. The third year is said to be easier than the second, so I thought it would maybe be feasible, but then I had my car accident and it sort of jolted me back to reality and the fact that we most likely are not in the right place financially to support another child.

And with that, baby will have to wait… because having a baby during the school year is pretty much out of the question, given they don’t give maternity leave to students and daycares don’t take babies until they are six weeks… and I don’t want to have to worry about having the baby during my externship year because of the potential that it would delay my graduation date (although I suppose having one during my third year could also do that). And after your third year you do not get the summer off, you go straight into your externship so that doesn’t leave another summer open to have the baby. I want another baby, can’t you tell, haha! So… it’s after graduation probably until Jay and I start even thinking about that, which is probably the ‘smart’ decision, given we aren’t married yet, but I think we’ve established my whole opinion on what I think of marriage and having kids, at this point in time, I don’t really care because a piece of paper isn’t going to make us more in love or committed to each other.

Wow, so I’ve totally gotten off my whole, I need positive thoughts topic…

I had to go into campus today to work on a lab with a classmate and it really made my day, and by that, I mean that it made my day pretty much suck. I seriously don’t think that I should have to go into campus on the weekend to run a lab. I understand the concept of doing homework outside of school, but this is running an actual lab and I shouldn’t have to spend extra time ON campus to complete it, especially since it was like an extra TWO AND HALF HOURS on the WEEKEND! As if I don’t have other things I would like to be doing. And then, getting an email from a certain professor who says it looks like we printed off the wrong data when I’m almost positive it was the right data. And then when I had a question about a lab and went to go ask said professor (who just happened to be on campus on a Saturday too), he didn’t even answer my stupid question after 10 minutes! I wanted one simple answer, but NOPE! And then when I go to continue running the lab the way I thought it should be done after he couldn’t help me any, he comes in and says he wants it done a different way instead. You know what I told him, that’s too bad, we’ll do it on me, but not on Katie, because it already took us 20 minutes to run her results the first way. Like hell I was going to rerun the stupid test just because he wanted something changed, not after we’d already been in there doing the test for over an hour! Hell no! I’m SO sick of this class and SO looking forward to it being done. I checked the schedule today and we only have two more labs and then a week off for Thanksgiving, and then all of our practical labs (where we get tested on the stuff) for the last three weeks. I can’t wait to be DONE! After this semester we have NO MORE LABS! I am SO excited about that! The one thing that I am not looking forward to is the fact that for our last week of lab, our professor is most likely not going to be there and I don’t know what we are going to do for it. I just took care of that pending question and sent an email to said professor. The class review at the end of the semester will NOT be very good, let me tell you that! I’m just really frustrated and my love relationship with this professor that I was talking about earlier this week, has once again turned to hate. You got it!

On a different note, I think Ayden has a bead stuck in his ear. Yes, you read that right, a bead, like a bead you would put on a necklace. How he got said bead in his ear is beyond me, but I do know that it has been there for almost a year now. Yes, you read that right as well, almost a year. About a year ago, I looked in his ear, for probably the umpteenth time and thought I saw what was a large chunk of wax. His doctor also saw it and said that it would work its way out by itself. Being the up and coming audiologist that I am, I’ve kept an eye on that ear for quite a while now and said wax wasn’t moving anywhere. I’ve tried to remove the wax (now deemed bead) from his ear a few times, but they haven’t been super great attempts because Ayden flinches every time I try and I don’t want to hurt him, he’s my baby, hehe!

Well, at this six year old check up, his doctor tried to flush out said wax, but it did not come out. And then for some apparent reason she said he had an ear infection, of which I’m not entirely sure was an ear infection, but I didn’t take him to his appointment that day, Jay did. So, today, after Katie and I were done with our lab, I had her look in Ayden’s ear and try and get the ‘wax’ out and she was able to move it a little bit and then we saw that it was in fact a bead because you could see the opening where you would string it on a piece of string. This bead is lodged in there at just the right angle where it’s not coming out easily and its not blocking his whole ear canal. I ran two tests on Ayden today, one of which let me know if the bead was blocking the ear canal all of the way, and its not, and the other to see if it was blocking his hearing at all, and its not. But it’s also not going anywhere either, so now I have to make an appointment with an ENT (ear nose and throat doctor) to get it out. Why an ENT and not his regular doctor… well because his regular doctor already tried, I know what they will try if I bring him back in (the same thing) and that method didn’t work, and I know and ENT will be more careful, has seen these things before, and will be able to remove it without any repercussions. Not that I don’t trust his doctor, but ENTs are more specialized in this area.

But seriously, how did he get the bead in his ear?! He says he didn’t put anything in his ear and we don’t have beads around our house, so it makes me wonder, but oh well. It doesn’t bother him and doesn’t affect his hearing so that is good. I’ll definitely be keeping it though, haha!

On a brighter note, I’ve recently started talking to an old friend again and it definitely feels good. We used to be very close and talk all the time and then about five or so months ago we just sort of stopped talking. It definitely took a lot out of both of us, but I sort of just shoved it aside because I had gone through pretty much the same thing with another friend the year prior and I didn’t want to have to face those same feelings again. But through some miracle, we reconnected a few weeks ago and have started to rebuild our friendship which is great. Although, it did spark some controversy between said friend and her other close friend which I’m sad about and hoping that they can repair. But it definitely feels good to reconnect, although I still do sort of feel that I’ve been keeping things bottled up more and more lately than letting them out and I know that that is part of what is pulling me down. I have quite a few friends, but no one super close that I feel I can pour my heart out to. But, I’ve never been a big pour my heart out kind of person either, well at least in a face to face type of manner.

Okay, this has become one super long blog post and I definitely feel better now that I’ve gotten a lot out and written. I haven’t had a super long post like this in a while and I think I needed it. Now, it’s off to have a discussion with my six year old on proper vacuum usage… I don’t think we should suck our mouths into the opening (or our bellies), or should we, haha?!

CIAO! LOVE ME!