{many faces}

It has been an average week around here at our household. Nothing out of the ordinary has been going on, other than the fact that Jay has made two loaves of banana bread and two loaves of chocolate chip zucchini bread and it is doing nothing for my diet. Wait, my non diet, haha! It has been a cheater week around here and the scale has not been nice to me. Tomorrow is a new day, right?! Yes. I will start again tomorrow. I have been good about working out though, and the scale has yet to hit 120.0 lbs, although I’m sure if I stepped on it tonight it probably would. It read out 119.8 Thursday night. I’m trying to pretend that wasn’t right though. I am starting to incorporate more cardio though and I need to start moderating my snacking. That is what gets me!I had a good week at clinic. I am looking more and more forward to starting my externship and seeing patients every day. I know that it will be quite an adjustment in my life, along with everything else at that point in time, but we will just go with the flow and make our way through it. As each day passes it brings me one day closer to the end of the semester. I cannot believe that after next week we will be on spring break already. I am definitely ready for a week of no class or clinic. I actually took off work on that Monday and Friday as well and am hoping that we can get some organizing done at our house. As much as I would like to wait and go through everything when it is time to start packing up and move, I know that I will probably be overwhelmed with regular end of the semester stuff at that point in time. It won’t hurt to get ahead start on things.I think as each day passes, I get a little more frightened about what the future holds. I try not to show it to anyone and only express how excited I am about everything that is about to change in our lives, but honestly, sometimes it scares the crap out of me. I know that in three weeks or less I will be starting the ‘single’ parent routine at our house and missing Jay every day as he starts his new job and lives with his parents for the week. I know that Ayden and I will be okay, I’ve said it before, but I also know that it will be very hard on me. I have done the ‘single’ parent thing twice before. The first time was when Ayden was a baby and at four months old, Jay was accepted to UW Stevens Point for the spring semester after being weight listed and he didn’t have any choice but to go. For five months I took care of Ayden by myself during the week and we only saw Jay on the weekends. I was living at my mom’s house during that time, so I was not completely alone, but I was Ayden’s primary care giver and I rarely asked for help. I won’t deny that there were probably times where I asked my mom to take care of Ayden for an hour or so while I got some homework done, or that my sister wanted to hold him, but I didn’t pawn him off all of the time. Some weeks were easier than others and because Ayden was not sleeping through the night yet at that point, I know Jay got the brunt of my hard times by me not talking to him online or witching at him on the phone or even hanging up on him.The second time was a couple of summer’s ago when Jay was gone for six weeks at the beginning of a summer. He had to attend some summer school type thing for his major at that time. It was another one of those, we got to see him on the weekend type thing. That time also sucked, but I think it was a little bit easier than the first time because it was the summer and I did not have class to worry about and only worked in the mornings. Ayden and I hung out in the afternoon and the six weeks went fast. Once again, I’m sure I had my good and bad days, but we made it work.

I think my biggest fear about this time is the responsibility that I now have. I mean, I’ve always had to take care of Ayden, that is a give, but he is older now. Older means more self sufficient… I can get him up in the morning and he can pick out his clothes and get dressed himself and most mornings get his own breakfast. Older also means that I need to make sure he has all of his homework done every night and that he isn’t falling behind in school. Older also means he has his own attitude and although my sweet little boy and I usually get along, I won’t deny that even we have our moments. I know that we will pull each other through the week when Jay is gone. I also know that during April I will be preparing for the Praxis and finishing up my capstone. Of course everything comes due during that time. I know we will make it through, but it just helps to get all of my feelings off my chest.

Along with all of my fears about the next couple of months, I have fears about after we move too. Our current living situation has allowed us the independence we have needed to solidify our family, our roles, our relationship, and meld ourselves into the adults we needed to be in order to make it in life (although, I know we haven’t quite made it yet). I don’t want to move home and start relying on our families too much because we are living closer to home. I love my independence and will do my best to accomplish what I can on my own. It is who I am. I’m more scared of Jay leaning on his family a lot more. Don’t get me wrong, family is great and I am thrilled to be moving closer. No more long drives! However, I am not prepared to see our families every day or even every week. On average, I go ‘home’ about once a month. Jay… probably closer to twice. You can probably consider it unfortunate that we do not go home just for the heck of it, but always for a purpose. It is very hard for me to go home and spend a weekend doing nothing with our family. Maybe it’s the fact that we spend the majority of our time at Jay’s family’s house and I can’t stand spending hours upon hours doing nothing in somebody else’s house when I could be doing that at my house. Not that I don’t enjoy Jay’s family because I do. In that respect, it will be nice to go over for supper on occasion or have them over and not have to drive. More time together, but shorter times, make sense?! Mostly, I want to maintain our sense of autonomy that we have built here and I’m sure I am overreacting at this point. I need to sit back, chill, and take things one day at a time. Please help me remember that! I’m sure this will be just another one of many posts out our impending future. I hope you stick with me and don’t stop reading when I continued to talk myself blue in the face about this situation. Ugh! Time to chillax for the night!

CIAO! LOVE ME!