{because i can}

Sometimes (rarely), I sit and wonder if people actually enjoy what I write about. It lasts for maybe five seconds because then I realize, it doesn't really matter if they enjoy it, agree with it, hate it... I don't write for my readers, I write for me. I know of people who are professional bloggers (well, I don't know them in real life, but know of them and quite possibly read some of their blogs) and they make money from blogging. Those people have the pressure on them to put out good posts that keep people coming back. I don't. I could care less if 100 people read my blog, 5 people read my blog, 5000 people read my blog, or absolutely no one read my blog. I use this blog as an outlet for myself. I love having something that I can look back upon if I wanted to.

As I was packing up the top shelf in my closet with my mom last weekend I came across the box that held all of my old journals. I didn't stop to look through them at that point, but I probably will when we unpack in the coming weeks. I even had a journal from back in 1999! Okay, so maybe to some of you that doesn't sound that old, but that was when I was twelve years old. I have maybe ten pages written in it, but it is still neat to be able to read the twelve year old thoughts that I was having. Heck, I find myself getting amused at the thoughts I had even two or three years ago. People can change and grow so much in such a short time.

I journaled all four years while I was in high school. I LOVE rereading how dramatic I thought things were back then and how complicated life was. It is hilarious. I stopped journaling probably a few months before Ayden was born and tried to pick it back up a few times after he was born, but I could never get into it the way that I used it. Then, almost four years ago to the date (will be four years on May 1), I started up this blog and have never looked back! Sometimes I cannot believe that it has been four years since I started blogging. I love it just as much now as I did back then, maybe even more!

So, if you feel like sometimes I get hung up on the whole working out thing and cannot talk about anything else. My bad, I didn't know it was your blog. I write about what is relevant to me and how I am feeling at any given moment. I use my blog to vent (albeit, there are definitely times I would go into more detail if I knew no one was reading). I write when I am excited. I write when I am down. I just like to write.

Jay has told me over and over that he wishes I wouldn't blog so publicly about our life. I know a few of my faithful readers... and those that I do know about, I happen to know in real life and happen to be related to. So, in some respect, I can see why Jay wouldn't want it put out there if we had a big fight one night because he has to see these people at some point. He doesn't want them to know what goes on behind closed doors. But me... I don't really care. I try to be an open book on my blog. Share the good, the bad, and even some of the ugly.

Take the fact that the last two weekends Jay and I have seen each other... we've ended the weekend on pretty sour terms both times. Ick, right?! We only get to see each other for maybe 24 hours out of a span of seven days and we aren't even speaking to each other when he leaves. On a brighter note, we've both been able to just move past those incidents and forget them by the next day. We don't really have time to sit and argue with each other during the week and let me tell you, it's not as fun on the phone, haha! Okay, that was sarcastic, because arguing with your loved one is never fun. But we are both out of our elements right now and being apart isn't easy, so I know that we are both treading through this time on thin wires.

Now, would Jay approve of what I just wrote? No. Would he approve of me asking you if he would approve. No, again. But he doesn't read my blog, he'll get over it. Haha! It's not like I post about every little fight that we have or even every big fight that we have. And if/when I do, it's not like I go into super specific detail either, haha! Life goes on, no matter what I write!

And with that...

CIAO! LOVE ME!