{motivation}

I was bumming on the couch the other night in my favorite spot (who am I kidding, when I'm not at work or sleeping in my bed, most often you'll find me in the end spot on the couch) and I was scrolling through some old pictures from this past summer on my phone and reveling in how good I looked. Does that sound vain? Probably. I didn't fully realize it at the time, but I was in the best shape of my life. I was at a point in my life where I was happy with how my body looked and I knew it was headed in the right direction. I was proud of what I had accomplished with my running and just physical fitness in general.

 

I've decided that I'm going to use those photos as motivation post baby. I've given up all thought on working out while pregnant. I'm just not feeling up to par enough to even want to work out (serious lack of any motivation) and I know that at this point with not working out for the last 10-11 weeks, my endurance is probably back next to nil and I know I've lost muscle tone. I'm starting to become okay with that. One thing you don't want to do is take a picture of your pre baby body and put it next to a picture of your growing a baby body, it just depresses you, haha! Okay, it didn't depress me, but it was a little harder to look at. There are definitely days (now that the emerging baby bump starting to come out of hiding) that I look down at that growing bump in amazement and think, wow, I'm growing a little human in there. I will often lay in bed at night with my hand on my stomach often wondering if that little blip I felt was the baby or just gas bubbles. I'm still not certain, but that's okay. I know it will come soon and I'm so looking forward to it. And there are moments when I look down and think, wow, how can someone's body change so much in just 16 weeks already! Do all pregnant women sit and just rub their bellies throughout the day, or is it just me? Is it too early to be doing that, haha!

 

I wish I would have written more during Ayden's pregnancy. I'll have to go back and look through my journals, but I think I stopped writing after just a few months pregnant and because I tried to hide it for so long, I know I didn't write about it in the early stages just in case someone would have happened to get their hands on my journal and read it. I don't remember a lot from his pregnancy. I know that has to do with the fact that it was ten years ago, but I also know that it has to do with the fact that I didn't want to remember because I shouldn't have been pregnant at that time. I would like to know when I felt him starting to move around. What I felt like throughout the whole pregnancy, etc, etc... but alas that's okay.

 

I've waited so many years to have another baby and there are days where I'm still in disbelief that it is happening. That ten years later it happened so easily for us, when I know there are couples who struggle and struggle and may never get pregnant. I know I've written about this before, but life was always wait wait wait, or at least it seemed like it to me. Jay and I were a family with Ayden, but we weren't really living a 'real' life because of school and not being married and so on and so forth. And after years and years of what seemed like being stuck in a standstill, it's all happening to us now. It's like the gates have opened, someone said you can pass go, and please remember to say 'I do' and start your family! The things we've been waiting for are all/have come true. We've kind of come full circle in a way. What I've witnessed my family and friends go through in the 'typical' ways of life has finally graced our lives. What I've been secretly jealous about for so many years. We are married. We live in a great community and house (albeit we still rent). We both have great jobs. Ayden is thriving. We are adding another miracle to our family. We are getting a puppy. It's like after all this time, there is no more waiting.  We are actually doing the 'typical' life things. (Not that I'm a follow the grain kind of person.) I feel incredibly blessed. I've felt incredibly blessed for a LONG time!

 

Jay and I could have easily fallen into the 'typical' (and I hate writing that; however, statistics show it's true) teen parent rolls. Not finishing high school, not going to college, not staying together, etc etc etc. But we pushed through. Our families stood by our sides and wouldn't let us not succeed. At the time I found out I was pregnant Jay and I had only been together for a few months. We had NO idea where our future was headed together without a baby, and then throwing one into the mix while still in high school! But we held on to each other and pushed through. And now ten years later, we're finally married. Now if I could just get him to agree on a baby name with me! Ugh, men!

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{up and down}

I'm a few weeks into my second trimester now and I'm still waiting to feel that glow that everyone talks about, haha! My days fluctuate now with how I am feeling and I'm grateful for more so so days than really bad days. For the most part I think the severe nausea has passed; however, it still likes to let me know that it can rear it's ugly head at any time! Case in point, this past weekend! Actually, I think I kind of felt it coming on Friday night as I wasn't feeling to hot then either. I had a wedding that I was going to help photograph on Saturday, so I went to bed early hoping Saturday would be better. Not so much. Saturday morning rolled around and not that you want to know or care, but the bathroom was my best friend. Whatever I tried to eat just wasn't agreeing with my stomach and I was so lightheaded. I felt bad (both physically and emotionally) because I had to stay home from the wedding. I knew that if I went I would have spent more time in the bathroom or trying not to pass out than actually helping. I was bummed because I hate letting people down. I had a low point where I was climbing the stairs to get something from the bedroom and just sat down and cried for a few minutes at the top because I felt so crappy. Needless to say, the majority of Saturday was spent on the couch. Thankfully my dad had called to see if Ayden wanted to go over there for a little while and Jay was gone most of the day so I could just rest in peace.

 

Sadly, much of Sunday was spent the same way; however, I did feel slightly better. I was able to keep my food down. I had an engagement shoot in the late afternoon with a friend that I really couldn't reschedule (we both have scheduling conflicts until like the middle of December), so I geared up for that and made it through. Not going to lie though, kind of plastered on a smiley face for some of it. I also just paced myself as well. Because of the photo shoot I had to miss taking Ayden trick or treating, but he ended up going with Alexis anyways and had a good time. I feel bad that we haven't really done any fall decorating this year. Not that we ever go ALL out, but we only have one pumpkin that Ayden is taking to decorate at school. We didn't carve any at home and Halloween is this week. Boo on that because I love carving pumpkins. It's just been a crazy busy fall with mommy not up to par and daddy super busy away from home. Not that Ayden has complained any, but still. Mommy guilt kicking in a bit.

 

I am happy to say that Monday was alright. I'm good with alright for right now. I'll take it. Go with it. I'd like to be good or great, but we'll work on that. Haha! Just being able to say that I went the entire day without throwing up or feeling like I had to throw up is a plus in my book! And another plus... I've even started sipping on water (albeit flavored with some Mio) again! For WEEKS I couldn't tolerate it or even the thought of it. I KNOW I'm not getting enough yet, but some is better than none. I have to admit that my healthy tendencies have gone out the window so far and have only slightly begun to return. And, yes, I will admit this, I do drink caffeine. To each their own. And if Mt. Dew is one of the only liquids I can keep down alright, it's going down. I limit myself, but yes, I may or may not have become addicted again. Haha!

 

I'm still very tired throughout the day, especially after lunch. There should be mandatory nap times allowed for adults. On Friday after a morning out with my little man, I came home and took a two hour nap. It was pure bliss! Sleep is still pretty good. (Knock on wood.) I'm considering investing in a pregnancy pillow because the body pillow I have just isn't cutting it. Jay complains I take up too much of the bed with my pillows. I used to sleep with two. Now I sleep with five regular sized pillows, plus my body pillow. I have two under my knees to prop my legs and then was using four for my head/back so I was more elevated. I think we just need a bigger bed, lol! (We already have a queen!)

 

We are hopefully getting our puppy this weekend. I am very excited; however, ask me how it is going next week and we will see if I still have the same sentiment about it! Not going to lie though, I'm definitely ready to get that little puppy in front of my camera! Also, as much as I love photography and my clients, I am ready for these next two weekends to be over with so I can just have some downtime. We've literally been going/doing something every weekend since like August, what with all of the wedding planning, then the wedding and the honeymoon, and now photoshoots. I want a few weeks just at home with nothing to do. But I think I said something along the lines of that in my last post. Am I just constantly repeating myself these days? Sometimes it feels like it.

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{trying to be positive}

It's been a trying last couple of days for me mentally, emotionally, and physically, but only those closest to me would be able to know as I'm trying to be thankful and positive, but it is hard. I don't know if I'm cut out to be pregnant. I am not enjoying this pregnancy at all yet and I feel so ungrateful saying that. I know that I am growing a little miracle right now, but I'm still not feeling very well throughout the course of the day, I'm not enjoying things like I want to be, and I'm just not myself. I dread getting up in the morning because I know another day of not feeling good is about to start. I physically cringe when my alarm goes off because I know that once my body registers that I am awake there is only a certain amount of time before I need to get food into it before I start dry heaving up what isn't in it. It's a race to get downstairs and eat something. And no, the crackers, granola bars, etc by my bed in the morning do not work. I'm still sleeping well (knock on the fake wood desk I am sitting at right now), so that is my release. Like the title of this post says, I'm trying to be positive about it all. I know that there are women out there who would give ANYthing to be in my place. To be able to get pregnant and go through all of the pregnancy related stuff and here I sit complaining about it. It's not that I'm not thankful for being pregnant because I am, truthfully I am. I'm just being honest here, my body is not reacting to it great yet and it's affecting me. I've always been a pretty open book on my blog, and so I'll try to continue to be. I know that someone with infertility problems may come across this post at some point in the far away future (because I'm still pretty sure reader average on my blog is pretty minimal, which is okay by me) and may think that I'm being ungrateful and selfish for feeling like I do, and you know what, that is OKAY! From the beginning I've said that not EVERYONE will agree with what I write and how I 'run' my life, but that is why we are all created differently.

 

In any case, I AM trying to enjoy things and not EVERY minute of EVERY day is horrible. I've been busy on the weekends with photoshoots so the time is just flying by. I am 15 weeks pregnant today. 15 weeks! Doesn't that mean I should start feeling more like myself again? I know every pregnancy is different and this one is certainly different than the first one. A little over a month until we find out whether this little bambino is another little man or a little princess joining our family. I could certainly go in sooner and have an elective ultrasound done at another facility in the next week or so, but I don't know if I want to spend the extra money doing that. We shall see how impatient I get, haha!

 

The main man in my life and the little man have been nothing but supportive lately. I feel bad that I'm giving them the shaft so much, but I think they understand. Ayden has just been a doll! I couldn't have asked for a more understanding little nine year old. He doesn't fail to ask me every morning and night how I am feeling. It's definitely precious. I think he's getting sick of everyone asking him if he's excited for a little sister, haha! He is still WAY on the boy train and that is okay with me. I'm not quite sure if I'm pulling one way or the other right now.

 

I do know that I've been itching to buy baby things lately. I've found a few good scores on craiglist which I am super excited about. I've found a moby wrap that I cannot wait to use in April! I had a baby carrier with Ayden, but it wasn't terribly convenient and I think I only used it once or twice. I've also found a swing and the carseat/stroller combo that we wanted for brand new. I'm picking that up tomorrow and am super excited! It's the small things people, the small things, haha! Now if only I had enough energy to get my house clean we'd be set! Any takers?!

 

CIAO! LOVE ME! 

{adjustment}

We had an absolute great weekend at our house and I’m happy to finally be able to say that I felt pretty good for the majority of it (knock on wood)!
 

My dad and Wendy were gone up north for the whole weekend and Alexis was hanging out at our house for the weekend. We had lots of busy plans for Saturday and had little to no down time! I was a little anxious about how it was going to play out because I hadn’t had such a busy day in a long time where I was going to be going going going, but it went well.
 

We started out the day early with a 5k walk in a neighboring town. Both Ayden and Alexis joined me, along with my bestie Victoria (whom I totally haven’t seen enough of lately… stupid all day sickness keeping me couped up on the couch for so much of the time lately). Because the kiddos were along, my plan was to walk and no run, although I don’t know how much running I would have been doing anyways because just walking it made me tired. Stupid endurance has definitely taken a hit lately! I’m SO ready for this second trimester energy spurt to hit me anytime now!
 

The walk went well! Victoria was awesome and kept it at our pace, even though I know she could have taken off and run it. In fact, her and Ayden actually ended up running the last ½ mile or so and I got to watch them cross the finish line together as Alexis and I were rounding a corner! It was SO neat! They were there cheering us on as Alexis and I ran the last 100 feet so or hand in hand across the finish line! It was definitely a great morning! The kiddos and I ended up at Mickey D’s for lunch as a treat to them for doing so well with minimal whining, and a treat for me because I didn’t have to cook and then we rested at home for about an hour or so until my sister and her boyfriend showed up and we all headed out to a local apple orchard for some apple picking and caramel apples! Jay even joined us for that trip!

The orchard was fun, the caramel apple was great, and the company was even better! We picked apples and Jay made homemade applesauce with them yesterday! Delicious!

After the orchard, we headed back to our house where my mom and brother joined us for supper and then we all headed off to a local corn maze in the dark! It was boys against girls going through the maze… Jay, Ayden, my brother, and my sister’s boyfriend, against me, Alexis, my sister and my mom. The guys one, but I think they cheated, haha! It was great; however, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not very good at picking the right direction going through the maze because whenever I was leading was when we would get lost. Emily was able to successfully lead us through! If you ever get a chance to do a corn maze in the dark with glow sticks, I would definitely suggest it because it is a blast!

I definitely slept good Saturday night and my legs/whole body was sore from all of the fun festivities on Sunday! I had a fun photo shoot on Sunday morning before heading home for an afternoon of relaxing. Jay put up the baby crib and changing table yesterday in what we are now officially referring to as the baby’s room. We had moved our computer/office stuff down into the living room and it doesn’t look that bad. It is definitely weird to see the crib up again after so many years! I’ve gotten excited about the possibility of decorating the room though. I have some ideas floating around in my head already, but we will have to wait and see if baby is a girl or a boy.

I’ve had a hard time adjusting to my changing body lately. There is definitely the start of a baby bump going on now. There is no denying that and my clothes are definitely fitting differently. It’s been hard to accept that my body is going to change and I’m going to gain weight. Logically I know it is going to happen and that it is supposed to happen and that I am growing a baby and should be excited about it all. I mean,yeah, I’ll accept that the baby bump at some point, but I’m still emotionally trying to wrap my head around it all. It worked SO hard to get my body to a point where I liked it. I mean, I was never overweight or completely unhappy with my body, but I worked my ass off and got to a point where I was happy. It’s just difficult to see a change in the opposite direction, especially when my clothes aren’t fitting the same and I’m still too small for actual maternity clothes. Once again, I know LOGICALLY that the same hard work after baby will get me back to where I was. LOGICALLY. Emotionally speaking, it’s a different story. But aren’t pregnant women allowed to be emotional, haha!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{re-assured}

I have to admit, going into my ultrasound today I was extremely nervous about what I would see on the screen. I had no sign or symptoms that there would or should be anything wrong, but I simply could not shake the thought that maybe something had happened to that precious growing baby in the last couple of weeks. Of course, I still had the daily reminder of not feeling like myself, but it had been four weeks since I’d seen the flicker of a heart beat on the screen and my little gummy bear waving around his or her little nubs.

And I was worried for nothing.

I’ve googled/seen enough 12 week ultrasounds to know what to expect on the screen as far as what the little nudger would/should look like and the second the ultrasound tech placed that wand on my stomach, he/she popped up in all his/her glory! There he/she was, looking absolutely perfect and I could not take my eyes off of the screen. It was pure bliss. I was in awe. It has been almost 10 years since I’ve been pregnant and they didn’t do/have these high tech ultrasounds 10 years ago. I had a quick ultrasound completed when I found out I was pregnant with Ayden to confirm there was only one baby and then the routine anatomy scan at around 20 weeks of which I only got one profile shot.

This time I walked away with a cd full of images. I couldn’t believe it!

Our little nudger (although I’m not feeling any movement yet, and am not likely to for another couple of weeks or longer, as I found out I have an anterior placenta… ie: it’s towards my stomach, so baby has to punch through extra padding for me to be able to feel him or her) was moving and grooving the entire appointment. He or she may only be about three inches in length right now, but it is quite an amazing three inches!

Here is a body shot with the little one’s face turned away. He/she was being camera shy for awhile. They must know that momma is a crazy photographer and that once he/she is born, there will be no escaping the camera! Haha! A semi face shot, with an arm going across it, once again trying to block the picture! Too cute! I mean seriously, even semi alien looking, I am in awe! Love this profile shot with the little feet showing. I walked away from the appointment with this silly smirk on my face. I couldn’t believe that I had just spent the last 45 minutes watching this little one squirming around on the screen. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that there is this little nudger growing inside me. I mean, yes, I’ve known full well since the beginning of August that I’m pregnant, but despite several positive tests, one confirming ultrasound already, and some pretty bad morning sickness and bloating, and tiredness, and even some cravings, it just hasn’t seemed all that real. Does that make sense?

I’m even more excited now than I was this morning. Is that even possible?!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{back to normal}

Life is slowly returning back to normal at the Hoerth household. We are slowly getting everything put back into place and the organized clean look of the house that I have been craving for the last several weeks is slowly starting to appear again and it is making this momma to be (again) smile! And even though there are still some boxes in my basement that have jars in them that need to be given back to their respective owners, at least my side of the basement is once again in some sort of order and once again, I’m smiling!

We’ve officially begun the process of changing our office over to a baby’s room. I was full on  set to have it be an office/baby’s room because the baby wouldn’t know the difference (at least in the beginning), but Jay really wanted it to just be a baby’s room, so we’ve moved our computer desk down into the living room and it actually doesn’t look as bad as I thought it might. It will work for the time being. Jay has also brought the crib up from the basement; however, we do not know where the bag of hardware for it is, so once we find that, then he will get on putting it together. Not that the baby is going to be born tomorrow or anything, haha! I think we still have some time.

I’d hate to jinx it, but I think I’m slowly starting to feel better. It’s not so much of a feeling nauseous anymore, as it is if I eat something every few hours I’m feeling halfway decent. The night time after supper is generally the worse now where it is mostly just a feeling of being so bloated that it becomes uncomfortable. I’m slowly adjusting to this I need to eat smaller meals thing. It’s taking some time, haha!

I am excited for Thursday because I get to see the baby again and have my second doctor’s appointment. There are definitely times where I can’t shake the feeling that something may be wrong, but then I sit back and know that what will be will be. I do not have control. Plus, there are no signs pointing towards something being wrong. I’m still puking every now and then, there has been no bleeding, my belly definitely looks pregnant by the end of the day, haha!

I’m hoping it is only a couple of more weeks before I start to feel baby moving and grooving! I don’t remember when it exactly happened with Ayden, but I cannot wait for it this time around!

My little man has been continuing to do well in school and surprises me every day. This morning he decided that he didn’t like me very much because I bought him some new pants and they touch the ground and apparently that is a bad thing. He is in between sizes right now so the size 8 are WAY too short (which he apparently prefers) and the size 10 are slightly on the floor… and he doesn’t want to roll them up. I thought only girls gave their momma’s problems with clothes, haha! Other than that, he’s been a gem lately! Already helping mommy off the couch (not that I’m already at the point where I need help, but he seems to think I do), and just going out of his way to be a good child! LOVE him! Can I bottle up this age to use in the years to come?!

Work is still great! My co-workers are still fabulous… even more so now that they know I’m pregnant. Always so caring!

Jay still loves his job.

Life is going well!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{THE honeymoon}

It's only fitting that since I wrote 'the wedding' post from somewhere up in the sky, that I should write 'the honeymoon' post from somewhere up in the sky as well. When you are reading this we will (hopefully) be home; so we will no longer be in an airplane, but for the time being, let's just pretend that I am still high up above the clouds flying somewhere between Atlanta, GA and our home state of good ole' Wisconsin.

Jay and I had a fantastic honeymoon... some morning/all day sickness aside. It seemed to rear it's ugly head at just the wrong times this past week and although I tried to make the most out of it and feeling like crap at times, I still wish I didn't have to still deal with it. It was definitely a bummer waking up each morning and having to run to the bathroom, but most days were pretty okay. I'm hesitant to say great because I don't think I ever felt really great throughout the duration of the trip, but we definitely had a good time and I am so glad that we decided to go right away after the wedding (being pregnant aside).

The resort was absolutely beautiful! Definitely the five stars that all of the reviews made it out to be. The weather was fantastic! We only had two instances of rain... one of which was during our one and only excursion, which actually didn't dampen our time on the trip at all, and then it ended up storming pretty good our last night there; however, we were sleeping and didn't notice it. Other than that, it was sunshine and more sunshine!

We definitely spent a lot of time on the beach! The sand was SO soft, the ocean was almost bathwater warm, and the color of the water was just magical! I didn't want to leave (you know, other than wishing I felt better, haha!). The servers would come ask you what you wanted to drink, and we definitely took them up on the offers. The cocktails were SO good... alcohol free for me of course! They would even come ask you while you were in the pool and then bring the drinks back to you! We got use to that! And the pool, just as amazing as the ocean! Jay and I were both definitely fish this last week spending the majority of our time either in the water or relaxing on some beach chairs!

We did go on one excursion which included a large catamaran ride out to a coral reef where we got to snorkel with the little fish, a yummy lobster (or pasta-which is what I got) lunch, lot of swimming, and then a private white sand beach afternoon! It was definitely worth it! I really wanted to go snorkeling with the sharks and stingrays and Jay wanted to go deep sea fishing, but because I am pregnant, we could not. We were both slightly bummed, but we knew that the excursion people wouldn't allow it for their own liability reasons, so that was okay. Our excursion was still a blast! I could have snorkeling with the little fish ALL DAY! It was so awesome to just be out in the middle of the ocean in the coral reef with the waves around you without a care in the world.

The food at the resort was also good. There was definitely a great selection of food to choice from, but since Jay and I tended to hit up the buffet most nights, it was just okay good. I think we are both ready to be at home and just have normal food again. At least I know that I am.

Would we go back... um, that is a resound YES! Jay is already talking of a five year anniversary trip back there. Okay, you don't have to ask me twice, haha!

Our flights both down and back were pretty smooth. We easily made it through customs and immigration both going in and out of the country.

I'm ready to see my little man again and get back into the normal routine of life... whatever that may be, haha!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{THE big day}

Our wedding day has come and gone. It went in a flash. It is true what they say, the day just flies by! And, as I sit here at however many feet above the earth (yes, we are currently on the plane on our way to Punta Cana for our honeymoon), I thought now would be a good time to rehash all of the details of the day for my readers. It has been a couple of weeks since I've blogged, but you can't blame me because I've been super busy with the wedding last minute planning and now the day is past us!

I have to say that the day was overall AMAZING! It wasn't without it's hiccups (most of which only myself and/or myself and Jay know about), but neither of us are going to sit and dwell on what didn't go exactly as planned and instead going to focus on the fact that the day was great, everyone had a fantastic time, and we are now officially MARRIED and husband and wife! Gosh, after all of the years of waiting to be able to say/write that, it still doesn't seem real! But alas, it is! And it feels... GREAT!

I'll rewind to the day before the wedding where we (myself, Jay, my mom, sister, dad, Wendy, Jay's parents, and Wendy's dad) started to set everything up. The tent had arrived and was set up the day before and the majority of the tables and chairs were set up as well. Everyone worked together at the barn decorating and doing what we could before the actual wedding day. My vision was coming together great even before the wedding! I have to give a shout out to whomever helped finish decorating the tent/barn the day of the wedding because I was unable to help. Everything look fantastic when I got there and it really meant a lot to me that people would take the time out of their morning to help finish putting up the decorations. We truly have the most amazing and caring and giving family members that anyone could ever ask for!

Rehersal for the wedding and dinner went well too! We just chilled at Jay's parent's house after rehersal and ate subs and chips and cookies and then went home semi early to get a good nights sleep. Jay and I did not spend the night apart like tradition. We are WAY past tradition at this point, haha! And we both knew that we would sleep that much better if we were following our normal routine. I have to say that I only had a minor bad wedding dream the night before the wedding where something was wrong with my dress and I needed to wear a different one; however, I remmeber in the dream that it wasn't the end of the world and I was only mildly upset, lol!

I was up pretty early the morning of the wedding... of course I wasn't going to be able to sleep in! We (myself, Jay, Ayden, and Jay's friend (and best man) JT all just relaxed at the house until almost 8:00am when the hair and makeup stylists arrived. At that poin the guys left to go help finish set up and the girls started to arrive to get ready. It was definitely a very relaxed atmosphere when getting ready and I LOVED it! I couldn't have asked for better bridesmaids! We had donuts and juice and were getting all prettfied. Somewhere in there my photographer, Jacki, arrived and she started her thing. It was definitely a different experience this time being in front of the camera instead of behind it like I usually am at weddings. But Jacki made being on the other side of it a piece of cake!

At some point late morning, the guys got back from setting up and joined the girls while we were still getting ready. That is definitely not typical, but it is SO Jay and JT and we all had fun picking on each other. Like I said, it was all very laid back and no stress... just what I wanted!

We finished getting ready around 1pm, I hopped in my dress, and Jay and I were off to take a few pictures of just us before the ceremony. We ended up getting to the ceremony with little time to spare, but that's okay because the wedding wasn't going to start without us anyways, haha! I hadn't planned on a ton of people coming to the ceremony, so I only had them set up about 100 chairs thinking that that would be plenty. Boy was I sorely mistaken! There was probably twice that amount of people there and I couldn't believe it! CRAZY! But we could certainly feel the love from everyone!

I was a big baby and started with the tears just about the same time that the processional song came on. Talk about emotional! That's when it all became real to me though... that it was actually happening. I have to say that I don't really know who was all at the ceremony because I was too concentrated on making it through with shedding as few tears as possible, haha! I blubbered like a baby though. Sorry, can't help it! The ceremony was great. Have I said how great things turned out enough yet?! Short, sweet, meaningful. From the reactions that I've gotten, people seemed to like it well enough! We took some pictures afterwards at the ceremony site before heading off for some more wedding party pictures. Once again, I have to say how great my wedding party was with the picture taking. It is one of the most time consuming parts and I only heard minimal complaining, and honestly, most of it (I think) was just joking complaining! Jacki rocked her stuff again getting the pictures done and then we headed to a local bar that my dad took us to many a times while growing up. We met some family there, I played a rocking game of pool with Jacki (of which ended in a draw because neither of us could get our last ball in and we ran out of time) and before we knew it, we were back at the barn and it was almost time to eat!

Supper went swimmingly... well as swimmingly as it could for buffet, but overall, I think it was okay. The food was delicious! The best man and maid of honor speeches were amazeballs (love my sister and JT). The bride and groom kissing games worked well! And afterwards, the dancing, oh the dancing! Two days later and my legs are STILL sore! It was SO much fun! Jacki ended up staying to dance after she was 'off the clock' from photo taking and we had an absolute BLAST out on the dance floor! Our DJ (who is the younger brother of a childhood bestie) rocked the barn all night long and had people dancing until the wee hours in the morning! I don't remember the last time I've had that much fun! Even Jay, who hardly EVER dances was out there rocking his stuff! We of course tried to make the rounds to our guests as well! I feel bad for not getting to see everyone that was there, but from talking to Jay, we both ended up seeing quite a few different people from each other which was good and it really is impossible to see EVERYONE. Especially when you don't leave the dance floor, haha!

It was a night for the books, readers, definitely turned out better than I had ever hoped for! They say Hoerth weddings are notorious for lasting long and being fun fun fun... we certainly got the long thing covered, and I hope that everyone who came had a good time as well! I know that Jay and I had an amazing day together and wouldn't have changed but just a few small things. But like I said, we won't dwell on the should have could have would haves, but instead on the what dids and how much fun it all was!

I can't wait to see the pictures because I know they will be great!

But for the time being, Jay and I are going to relax on our honeymoon and have a fantastic time!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

Pregnancy Journal: Part 3

Part One and Part Two.

Part Three

{my darling boy}

September 17, 2013

By the time I get home from work most nights, it is nearing 6:00pm and I am STARVING! Last night Jay ended up working late, so I picked the little man up from my dad’s house and we headed home. I was hoping that he had already eaten something at my dad’s, but no such luck. That’s okay though. I had it in my head that I wanted ramen noodles for supper. Yeah, I know, definitely not healthy by any stretch of the imagination; however, I wasn’t feeling super well and they seem to be one of the more bland things that sit halfway decent in my stomach after a long day of feeling icky. Ayden didn’t really want ramen, so I asked him what he wanted that involved mommy not having to cook as like I mentioned, I wasn’t feeling good. He said that he would have some cereal and then we noticed that we were all out of milk. He told me he would just eat it dry, but even I couldn’t let him do that.

So, while my water was warming up for the ramen, I had Ayden watch the stove and I quickly ran over to the gas station (which is literally two blocks from our house, and no I didn’t actually run, I drove) and picked up some milk (and M&Ms) for my sweet boy. By the time I got back home my ramen was almost done, Ayden knows how to cook it pretty well, and I could sit down and relax for the night. My darling boy enjoyed his cereal and an apple and then his M&Ms for dessert. He was so sweet to me last night, I couldn’t help but get him an extra treat. He has actually been very sweet to me since finding out about the baby and me not feeling the greatest most of the time.

{bump-date}

September 30, 2013

It's been a little while since I've updated the pregnancy journal, so I thought what better time to do it than while flying high at some odd thousand feet in the sky... right?! Nothing better to do on our flight back to Milwaukee, and I've already written my blog posts about the wedding and the honeymoon.

Once again, I sit here wishing that I could tell you that I'm magically feeling better, but I'm not. Am I feeling better than I was at the six or even eight week mark, yeah, I'd go that far. I'm holding out hope that once we hit that second trimester it goes away! Speaking of that, it is coming up soon! According to my little calendar thingy, I'll be 12 weeks on Thursday. Now, I'm definitely not holding out hope that I wake up on Thursday and magically I'm feeling 100% better, but sometime in the next week or so... keeping those fingers crossed!

I have to say that going on our honeymoon preggo was definitely a once in a lifetime experience, haha! Don't know if I'd redo that one over, but even so, both Jay and I still had a GREAT time and I'm glad that we decided to go right after the wedding, morning/all day sickness aside. We pushed through and made it all that we could.

I'm definitely feeling that I cannot eat as large of meals as I used to. It's lots of smaller meals/snacks about ever 2-3 hours. I've found that if I go longer than that I tend to feel worse. I generally feel the best about mid morning and by the end of the day I just want to go to sleep so I can feel normal again. I feel normal/good while I'm eating, but then almost right away afterwards I don't. It kind of sucks. Only six more months until I get my body back to myself, haha! Only six more months. It is weird to be writing that already because I still feel that we are so early in the pregnancy, when in reality it is already 1/3 of the way over. Cray cray!

While we were in Punta Cana, we officially announced the coming of the new baby to our family and friends via the awesome-sauce that is Facebook. Everyone seemed to be excited for us! I have to say, Jay did get one comment from a family member that I know wasn't meant to be mean in anyway, but being the hormonal preggo that I am, I kind of took it that way and it upset me a little bit. I wish I would have been there when he heard it because I woud have had something to add, but I wasn't and that is okay, because like I said, it wasn't meant in a bad way. And... everyone is definitely entitled to their own opinion about everything in life, so I'm just going to let it slide. There are definitely things that other people do in life that I don't necessarily agree with and there are things in life that both Jay and I do that I KNOW other people don't always agree with either. That is the great thing about being human, we have the freedom to do whatever we want and not have to care about whatever other people think.

As far as the actual baby bump goes... it's pretty non-existent in the morning when I wake up. I have to say that even with all of the eating on the honeymoon, I didn't gain any weight. (They had this nice scale in our hotel room... that I may or may not have used, haha!) I'm still down about 5-6 lbs from pre-preggo. I definitely wasn't trying not to gain any weight, in fact it would have been nice to gain a little bit while gone because then I could feel like I was doing something 'right', however, I know that it will start to add on in the coming weeks. I definitely don't feel 5 lbs lighter than I did at the beginning though. By the end of the day, there is definitely a small bump going on, but that's mostly from the food that I've been munching on all day long. I'm excited for it to be an actual bump though, and to feel some movement. Hopefully in the coming month I'll start to feel baby!

Sleep has still been pretty good. Some nights I wake up and need to pee super bad and other nights I can make it through the night... of course, by morning I need to get up pretty badly!

And now back to our regularly scheduled blogging…

CIAO! LOVE ME!

Pregnancy Journal: Part 2

Part One.

Part Two…

{some new symptoms}

August 13, 2013

No morning sickies yet. One plus. I don’t remember when it kicked in with when I was pregnant with Ayden though, so I’m sure it is bound to come. I do remember dry heaving into the sink almost every morning though for a number of weeks. Definitely not a pleasant feeling.

I am still pretty tired on occasion. I would love to just sleep sleep sleep, but my busy schedule is not allowing for it. I am just tired. I’m starting to have some smell aversions as well. I had some strawberries today that were SO yummy and then I picked up my sandwich to eat that and almost couldn’t stomach it. I ate it though because I was hungry and it tasted good.

Still a couple of weeks until my first doctor’s appointment. I’m excited for it.

{morning sickies}

August 20, 2013

Well, the morning sickies have officially arrived and I officially feel miserable. Are we fully cooked yet? Haha! This is going to be a long pregnancy, lol! Actually, if I’m lucky, only a long couple of weeks. I remember my morning sickness with Ayden and for the most part, it was just that, in the morning. I would be over the toilet or the sink for a little bit while I was getting ready in the morning and then I’d be good to go for the rest of the day… albeit not great, but not puking all day long.

I don’t remember when it started with Ayden either. I wish I remember if it started this early or not. It’s crap. I’m SO excited to be pregnant, but I’m already over not feeling like my normal self. Guess I will just have to get used to this new normal again for a while.

In any case, it hit me yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. I wasn’t feeling very well when I got up in the morning and then before I knew it while I was brushing my hair, I was leaning over the sink dry heaving. (Because I know you want to know all of these details.) I was smart not to eat anything prior to showering like I normally do because I had a feeling that if I did, it wouldn’t stay down. And dry heaving is NOT any better than the actual puking. It just hurts more because nothing is coming up. Ugh.

And, at it again this morning, although this time it was while I was putting on my shirt. Um, this is going to get old very fast. I would like to be able to go through my normal routine in the morning, not deviate, haha! Oh selfish me, I know!

And tired, good gosh am I tired! I could sleep all day long and still feel like I wasn’t getting enough! I just feel lazy when I get home and have no ambition to do anything.

Today in particular I’m not feeling so hot. I just feel kind of off and would like to just go home and lay curled up in bed watching TV all day. Instead, I’m going to tough it out at work, and enjoy the day off tomorrow.

And another thing, my emotions! I don’t think I’ve had any super weird crazy outbursts of emotions in front of anyone yet; however, I feel like I could. Even today for no reason whatsoever I feel like I could just break down in tears. Okay, so I know the reason, it’s because I feel like crap, but even still. Holding it together or at least trying to hold it together.

{trying not to feel miserable}

August 22, 2013

First things first, my baby turns NINE freaking years old today! I think it’s about time we add another one to the bunch, right?!

I’m doing my best to try and not feel miserable. I think I am anyways. It sucks. Yesterday was the worst day so far. I think it was because I let myself feel like crap. I didn’t have to work, I didn’t have the little man at home, so all I did for the day was lay in bed or on the couch and feel like crap. I tossed my cookies a few times, well tried to because there wasn’t anything in my stomach to toss. It sucked. I just feel nauseous all day long and my mood suffered from it. I think the worst part was having nothing to do during the day so I could let myself feel like crap. Plus, the weather was hot and muggy and it sucked.

On the bright side, today is a new day and although I still don’t feel as great/normal as might want to, I think because I am busier at work with less time to think about feeling like crap, it is not as bad. Sure, I still tried to toss my cookies this morning (didn’t even make it out of the shower this time before it it), I haven’t felt like tossing them the rest of the day. (You know, because once again you care about how many times I do or do not throw up in one day.)

Hopefully, as the days and weeks continue to pass you’ll be hearing (reading) less and less about how crappy I am feeling and more and more about how back to normal I am feeling. I am surprised that for as long as I was laying down and napping yesterday, that I actually slept pretty decent last night. Ayden and I had to get up around 6:45am so he could get to Packer Training Camp, but after I dropped him off at his great grandparent’s house, I went back home and crawled back into bed where I slept on and off until probably 10am. At which time I thought it might be a good idea to try and get out of bed and shower and then promptly sit down on the couch where I ended up napping again for another hour or two. Lots of sleep. And I still slept good at night. Weird, but I’ll take it!

Going to confess here that for the last two days I’ve not taken my prenatals. Just the thought of taking them has me almost tossing my cookies, so I thought one or two days wouldn’t hurt me or the baby. I think I need to start taking them at night instead of in the morning. I tend to feel better at night anyways. Change it up!

{guilty}

September 3, 2013

We are coming up on a month of me knowing that I’ve been pregnant. Kind of crazy if you sit back and think about it. I can’t believe that it has been a month already, but then I again I can because these last two weeks have just kind of dragged on by.

I can’t sit here and write just yet that I’m feeling any better, because in all honesty, I’m not. I’m really really trying not to let it affect my mood on a daily basis, but sometimes it is just hard. I feel guilty about not wanting to do anything with anyone right now. The other night I told the little man that I felt bad that I wasn’t up to doing as many active things with him right now and he looked at me and said that he didn’t care, he just wanted me to feel better. Melt my heart.

Speaking of Ayden, we’ve now told him as well. It was getting kind of hard keeping it from him when he continued to hear me throw up and was getting worried about me and wanted me to go see the doctor. So far he seems to be pretty excited about it. As excited as a now nine year old can be. He does tell me that if I have a girl that he is going to give her up for adoption. He must really want a brother, haha! He also asked me the other night that once my belly gets bigger and the baby starts to move around if he could feel it. Of course buddy! Too sweet once again! He’s definitely been great about helping mommy out so far.

Even this morning as I was in the bathroom for a little while (not throwing up this time), he came up to the door and asked if I was feeling alright.

I have to say that Jay has been amazing so far as well. Taking over the cooking for the most part, doing some cleaning, but just overall being a little more attentive to me. Once again I feel bad that I’m not up to doing more with him.

We did get out of the house for a little bit over the long weekend. Ayden and I ventured to Appleton on Friday so I could drop my ring off to get soddered together, and ran a few other errands. We made it to the fair twice this weekend, albeit not for too long either time. When I do go out, I try to act normal. Sometimes getting out makes me feel a little bit better, other times it just makes me feel worse. The only time I really feel okay is when I’m sleeping, haha!

I have my first doctor’s appointment next week and I’m hoping that maybe she can give me something to help with this overall feeling of crappiness. I really don’t want to feel like crap for the wedding and the honeymoon. That is all that I’m worried about.

I really just want the wedding over with right now too because I’m so not in the mood for anymore of putting crap together. Thankfully my mom and sister hopefully coming over this weekend to help with what I hope is going to be the last of everything. Keeping my fingers crossed! Just ready for the big day!

{fourth week}

September 9, 2013

I’m entering the fourth week of this morning sickness crap. It’s rough. I’m really trying to work through it, but when it comes to being sick and not feeling good, honestly I am just a big baby. I hate it. I’m trying to be grateful for this pregnancy and I am, I really am, but it’s hard for me. When I feel like crap, it shows. I want sympathy, haha! I just want to feel better/more normal again. As I’m working my way through this 8^th week of pregnancy, I know that there is an end in sight to it, but sometimes the days just seem to drag on and on, like it’s never going to end! And oh how I want it to end. And it’s not even a matter of being physically sick or throwing up all of the time, it’s the simple matter of just overall feeling like crap. So bloated and like you have to throw up, but then you don’t actually do it. Oh, trust me, I could make myself, but that certainly isn’t any fun either. I’d rather much keep what I ate for lunch in my stomach. Not that you care to know that.

Over the weekend I told my mom about the pregnancy. Turns out I didn’t need to be nervous or worried about anything. Go figure, haha! I know it was just my irrational thinking that made me feel that way. She is genuinely happy and excited for us. Okay, so she is genuinely happy and excited to be able to spoil another grandbaby, hehe! Just kidding!

We also found out that Ayden spilled the beans to Alexis and on purpose. Yeah, my little man can’t keep a secret. Just like we thought! But it made me secretly excited to know that he was excited to tell someone else as well! And of course Alexis is excited for a new baby! I think we’ll probably tell my dad and Wendy at some point this week and then let Jay decide on when to tell his parents. Preferably before the wedding because I’d like to post a picture of something during the honeymoon and I don’t really want his parents finding out via Facebook and/or from someone else who found out via Facebook. I’ll have to talk to him about it.

{first doctor’s appointment}

September 16, 2013

I had my first doctor’s appointment last Wednesday and it went over very well. I’ll get to the exciting stuff first. I got to see the baby on the ultrasound! It definitely made the whole thing seem more real. It was too early to actually hear the heartbeat, but I could see it on the screen beating away and I could see the little arms and legs moving. Before the ultrasound I was worried that something might be wrong (not that anything in particular gave me that feeling or that I should have felt that way), but you just never know until you see it on the screen. The ever present morning (all day) sickness should have been a good indication that something was right, but you know… or maybe you don’t. The risk of miscarriage is the highest in the first trimester and I just wanted everything to be good. Oh, and for the record… there is only one baby. My dad is a twin and there are twins on Jay’s side of the family, so needless to say, we could have been blessed with twins. At least not this time around, haha! (Not that I’ll be ready to repeat this all day sickness again anytime soon!)

My doctor was great. I decided to go with the same doctor that I had for Ayden because, first, she was in network (well when I get added to Jay’s insurance this week), I loved her with Ayden, she still practices, AND, I can see her in Chilton! When I was first deciding on a doctor, I had considered possibly finding someone in the Sheboygan area because that is closer to my work; however, even though Appleton and Sheboygan are probably the same distance away, Appleton just seems closer and I’m more familiar with it. Plus, given that I’ll be able to have most of my appointments not in Appleton, it works for me. Anyways, my doctor was just as great as I remembered her to be from almost 10 years ago, which is awesome! She was able to prescribe me some medication for the all day sickness which has definitely helped. I don’t necessarily feel normal again (although I’m not sure if I’ll feel normal again until after the baby is born), I do feel better than I did without it. I am better able to function throughout the day without the extreme constant nausea I was feeling before. I’d still prefer to just be sleeping all of the time because that is the only time I do feel normal; however, that just doesn’t work. I am certainly praying that this morning sickness thing just sticks around through the rest of the first trimester and when I hit the second one, I’m feeling more like myself.

I miss being more active. I miss running. I miss biking. I miss just getting outside and walking. None of that, NONE of it sounds appealing to me right now. It is definitely a bummer! I SO want to enjoy this pregnancy, but when the only real symptom of even being pregnant (besides a belly that just looks fat right now) is being sick 24/7, it’s hard, both mentally and physically.

Jay and I are getting married in a week and I feel like all we’ve done lately in argue about the lack of attention I’ve been giving him. I know he doesn’t get it. And believe me, it’s not that I don’t want to be near him or be with him, it’s just that I physically can’t stomach it right now. I can’t handle being touched or leaned on, or held around the waist. It’s painful. Once again, both physically and emotionally. I think he thought that once I got the medication from the doctor it was going to be a cure all and I was going to feel 100% again and I don’t and I’m sorry for that. I wish he could experience what I am going through so he could actually sympathize or empathize or whatever. Overall, I just don’t think he gets it, even though he tries to. I mean, he’s been great. He’s ran out on more than one occasion for something I’ve wanted/needed (albeit I haven’t had to have him do it at midnight yet, haha). Our house is definitely messier than normal because I’ve discovered that I’m the house cleaner at our place and Jay just has other priorities. At this point I’m pretty much whatever about it because I don’t want to argue. Another reason why I hopeful that I’ll feel better post first trimester… so I can get my house back to looking like it was a few weeks ago. I don’t do well with messes, but right now I’m just kind of looking past everything, sitting in my favorite spot on the recliner and just trying to feel better.

Over the weekend we told Jay’s parents and my dad and Wendy about the baby. They all seemed excited. Alexis did good at keeping her secret from my dad and Wendy, hehe!

My official due date has been marked as 4-17-14, so I’m still kind of holding out hope that baby will come a few days early and we can make it 4-14-14, haha! I was two days late with Ayden when my water broke and ended up having to get Pitocin because I wasn’t contracting. I don’t remember much about my labor and delivery with him, other than it was painful, I got the drugs as soon as I could, and that they had to help deliver him with the vacuum. Oh, and Jay or a nurse or a family member or friend changed all of his diapers while in the hospital because I didn’t change any. We had a lot of visitors and hoopla when we were in the hospital with Ayden and I think I want to do things a little differently this time around. There is still a lot of time to decide, but yeah, I’m thinking different.

I do think that we will find out what gender this baby is and tell people. I had thought about not finding out because it would be a fun surprise; however, I am just too much of a planner to go that route and I don’t think that Jay would want to wait. But, I think we are going to keep our name options to ourselves and keep that a surprise. That, and there are currently four other pregnant family members that will have babies before me and I don’t want to decide on names, tell people, and then have one of them use it. Although, of those four, I do know that one is having a girl and using a name that wasn’t on our list, and one is having a boy and using a name that starts with ‘F’ and we have no ‘F’ names on our list either. So, we’re just waiting on two other babies, one of which isn’t going to be born until March, haha! Honestly though, we kind of have a girl’s name nailed down already and are pretty confident that no one is going to use it. Our boys name is still way up in the air. And that’s not to say things couldn’t change before baby gets here either!

Stay tuned for Part 3.

CIAO! LOVE ME!

Pregnancy Journal: Part 1

*Since we found out we were expecting, I’ve been keeping a pregnancy journal along the way (wedding aside, another part of the reason that I hadn’t been blogging much, as it was hard enough for me to keep it a secret from people, much less not be able to blog about it openly). But, since we’ve officially announced Baby #2 to the world now, I felt that it was time to update the blog with what’s been going on since we’ve found out.*

{not quite late}

August 5th, 2013

It is almost going to seem surreal typing this, but here I go... I'M PREGNANT! Well at least according to the little stick that I peed on yesterday morning!

By the time that you are reading this, if you happen to know me in real life and/or are friends with me on Facebook (and you know, actually frequent the blog), I'm sure you already know. But at this point in time, when I am writing this, only Jay and I know (and a select 300 people that are a part of a secret pregnancy group online that I've joined). Oh how I want to shout it from the rooftops, but can't... won't...

You may also quickly realize that this post is being written in advance of the wedding. Um, oops, lmao! Actually, it's not so much of an oops, as a we didn't think it would happen so fast! It may or may not have been such a secret to some people that I know, but I've wanted another baby for a LONG time. However, both Jay and I knew that it would behoove us if I graduated first, and we both had stable jobs (and were married) before we added another child to the family.

It was always my intention of starting to not prevent another child about a month before the wedding. Not necessarily, try for another baby, just not prevent. Jay... well, he really didn't care either way. Men, they don't often over analyze things like us women. I really had no hopes or belief that we would get pregnant right away, and honestly thought it would take a few months. Guess we're lucky, haha! And yes, I'm fully aware of the fact that it only takes one time to get pregnant... I'm not in middle school anymore, haha!

Anyways, so here I sit, about seven weeks before the wedding, just hoping that my dress will still zip up alright and that I won't pass out from not being able to breath all day long, haha!

Shall we recount how I found out?! You know you want to know. Actually, I just want to document everything like crazy and not feel ashamed this time around. While I was pregnant with Ayden, I felt like I shouldn't enjoy it given the circumstances. This time around is completely different. I got knocked up before the wedding, big deal. I did with Ayden nine years ago, it's OKAY! Anyways, I'm elated!

It was Sunday morning, I was home alone as Jay was at work and Ayden was with Jay's parents camping. I had a slight inkling that maybe I was. Nothing really stood out symptom wise other than I had seemed really tired lately and my appetite seemed insatiable. My period wasn't due for at least another four days and that's if it was going to come on time. The last few months my cycle has seemed kind of messed up, sometimes it'd come right on cue and others it would be late. IE: just last month I took only my second pregnancy test since having Ayden because I was a week late. It was negative and my period showed up a few days later. This time, I wasn't even late yet, and so I had no intentions of seeing a positive. Um, I was wrong. A faint second line started to show up almost right away and the longer I stared at it, the darker it became. It was honestly quite surreal.

And, unlike the last time I saw a positive pregnancy test, this time I was excited and nervous, not scared shitless! And then I had to wait until Jay got home to tell him. He had been joking the last couple of days that I was already pregnant, but I don't think either of us thought that he was being serious. Haha!

He got home and I was actually kind of nervous to tell him, but of course I did! He seemed excited, although I don't think most men jump off the walls with excitement. He wasn't upset, so that's a plus, lol!

Am I upset that I'll be pregnant for the wedding. Heck no! I don't drink, so I won't be missing out on any of that. I'm just praying that I'm not sick with morning/all day sickness!

Of course I had to go online right away and order Ayden the cutest big brother shirt. The bummer thing about Ayden already being almost nine is that many of the stores I could get a big brother shirt at don't carry them in big boy sizes. That is where etsy comes in! I love etsy! It has been my friend throughout the wedding planning process and I'm sure it will be more than my friend throughout this pregnancy. I found him the perfect big brother shirt that isn't too cutesy for a nine year old and I cannot wait for him to wear it when we tell our parents. I'm only hoping that we can keep it a secret until after we get back from our honeymoon. We shall see! I also found the cutest tank top for me to wear for my weekly belly pictures throughout the pregnancy. Because, believe you me, there will be plenty! I think I maybe have one or two from Ayden's pregnancy and those are from my baby shower. I did not want my picture taken because I didn't want to remember that I was THAT 18 year old who had a baby. This time, it will be pictures galore! I even took my first 'bump' picture last night just to commemorate what I looked like on the day that I found out. Obviously, there is no bump right now, but I couldn't resist! I really am just so excited!

But I'm also scared because I know that there is a long time between first finding out that I'm pregnant and having a healthy baby and that there are a lot of potential things that could go wrong. I am just going to have faith that everything will work out as it should and that ultimately I am not the one in control!

I'm not having any other symptoms really, other than just being more tired than usual and feeling more hungry. It's really early though, that much I get. I think I probably looked at the pee stick no less than a dozen times yesterday to continue to see that it was actually try. I plan on taking another test later this week, just to confirm at home before I make a doctor's appointment. Oh, so much to think about! So exciting!

I'm so looking forward to the pregnancy progressing and the baby growing and being able to feel the kicks and punches. Oh, this is going to be fun!

{telling someone}

August 6, 2013

Well, besides having in confirmed by the doctor, I'm pretty sure I'm knocked up. I bought a pack of the digital 'pregnant' and 'not pregnant' tests last night on my way home from work and took one right away when I got home. I was slightly nervous that the result would come up not pregnant. I don't know why, but I was. Well, I had nothing to be nervous about because not even a minute after peeing on the stick, it showed up 'pregnant'. This is real. Real real.

And now I'm kind of scared. Scared because I know just how early we are into it and the long journey ahead. Like I mentioned yesterday, I know that a positive pregnancy test doesn't automatically assume that nine months from now I'll be holding a healthy little baby.

I know the general rule of thumb is to not tell anyone until you are safely out of the first trimester- or so they say. Do I ever follow the general rule of thumb for anything in life, I think not! But damn, I just HAD to tell someone!

So, I told my bestie, Victoria.

Jay didn't really want me to tell her. I think he really wanted out parents and grandparents to be the first to know after us. But, I kind of sort of HAD to tell Victoria because she was planning on doing the Tough Mudder with me in early September and really, I can't do the Tough Mudder anymore, it just wouldn't be safe. I have read blogs and posts and scoured the forums to see if it would be safe to do (all before even getting the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor- what can I say, I'm a planner) and have read that women have done it and various early stages in their pregnancy and just skipped the obstacles that were too dangerous... so I probably could do it (of course pending doctor approval), but just deep down in my gut, I don't want to take even the calculated risk. So, no go.

And of course when I told Victoria that I couldn't do the Tough Mudder anymore, she needed to know why. Of course she did, that's what besties are for. I mean, I've been looking forward to the Tough Mudder all summer, why would I suddenly back out just a month before. She was excited for us. I knew she would be! And I think slightly relieved as well because she did mention that she had a nightmare about the Tough Mudder just the previous night. So, it will give us an excuse to train even harder for the one next year!

At this point I fully intend on doing the Dirty Girls 5k on my birthday! That I am stoked about!

One of the things that I am currently struggling with right now mentally is knowing that I am going to gain weight over the course of this pregnancy. I have worked SO hard for the last year and a half to loose a bit of weight and then maintain myself through healthy eating and exercise. I know that the weight gain is a given, but for someone who has been such a scale whore for the last year (yes, I know it probably isn't THAT healthy to measure success by weighing yourself every day or even every other day), it's going to be a change. I know that after the pregnancy that I'll kick myself back into gear and lose the weight... oh, I know, not even four weeks preggo and already complaining! Haha! This is going to be a long nine months! Just ask Jay!

{not telling someone}

August 8, 2013

As I mentioned, in my last post, I HAD to tell someone. So… I did.

Both Jay and I have pretty much decided to not tell anyone else (well hopefully I can keep my big mouth shut), until after the wedding, closer to the 12 week ‘safe’ zone.

I know I’ve blogged about it in the past and how whenever I got pregnant again, that it would be hard to change the mindset of not being that pregnant 17 year old senior still in school. I am 26 (almost 27), an official Doctor of Audiology, and gainfully employed (albeit not quite full time), so this time around it should be different. But I just can’t shake the feeling that when we announce people will still be like they should have waited. And I want to scream at them… wait for what?! I think I’m dreading it most from our parents. I live to please. Okay, that’s a straight out lie, I don’t live to please. I’m a straight out go against the grain girl, but I want to make our parents proud. And the whole going to college and graduating, and going again, and becoming a doctor, and raising Ayden in the middle of it all, and staying with Jay, and getting a job, and getting married aside, I just have this overwhelming feeling they will be disappointed that we didn’t wait until we were settled into our jobs more, or had a house, or paid off some of our student debt, or started saving for retirement, or saving for Ayden’s college… all of that. All money related. I hate money. I hate that it runs the world.

All I can hear in the back of my head is my mom saying to me more than once when we’ve talked about having more children in the past is wait until you’re married, until you have a job, essentially, just WAIT! You screwed up once, get it right this time. Now never did she think I screwed up with Ayden… got pregnant too early, made life a little more difficult, sure, but I think she knew deep down we’d make it through. We’d just have to forge our own path and it might be a little more hilly than someone else’s. But I want to make our parents proud. And for as many times as they’ve (and other family members have told us how proud they are of us), I still revert back to the ONE thing that happened that shouldn’t have. I should not have been a mother at 18.

But it’s what my path included. And so it happened.

I just don’t want the… you were so close to getting married, why didn’t you just wait until after the wedding. I don’t want anything but positivity this time around. I don’t want anything but joy and excitement this time around. And I fear it won’t be that. I want everyone to be as excited as I am. I NEED everyone to be just as excited as I am.

Sometimes I feel that having Ayden so young put EVERYTHING else on a permanent hold. Not to mention the extra four years of schooling I decided to do. I would NEVER want to change the past and not have Ayden when I did. That child is my heart and soul combined. I think knowing that I had to support him helped push me to get to where I am today. I know it did.

So, when does life get to start for Jay and myself? When do we get to be considered normal? I’m sure I just have this screwed up perception of what everyone else thinks about us, but I can’t help it. I have cousins, classmates, friends who have more children than I do and are either just the same age or YOUNGER! When do we get to start?! When is it fair for us?

{as the days go by}

August 12, 2013

I didn’t quite realize this until just the other day, but my projected due date (according to the due date calculator that I was using, haven’t been to the doctor yet) is April 14^th… this means the baby could potentially be born on 4-14-14… are fours a lucky number?! I’ll be cautiously optimistic that we end up with a 4-4-14 baby or a 4-14-14 baby because that is definitely a birthday even daddy could remember, haha!

The weeks in life continue to fly by; however, the days seem to be going in slow motion. Like, okay, I found out I’m pregnant, now can we skip to the good stuff, lol! I hate wishing time away because we are in the summer and good warm weather and my baby is still only eight and not nine, and I just don’t want the rest of 2013 to fly by so quickly! But I’m anxious to actually feel like I’m pregnant as well.

I’m anxious to tell people.

I’m not really having any other symptoms right now, other than some tiredness. I’ve been continuing to try and drink lots of fluids, eat in moderation (but not restricting myself), and try to get out and be active. This last week was a stretch. I last ran a week ago, and then once during the week I got outside for some rollerblading and then a walk with my bestie.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

CIAO! LOVE ME!