Pregnancy Journal: Part 1

*Since we found out we were expecting, I’ve been keeping a pregnancy journal along the way (wedding aside, another part of the reason that I hadn’t been blogging much, as it was hard enough for me to keep it a secret from people, much less not be able to blog about it openly). But, since we’ve officially announced Baby #2 to the world now, I felt that it was time to update the blog with what’s been going on since we’ve found out.*

{not quite late}

August 5th, 2013

It is almost going to seem surreal typing this, but here I go... I'M PREGNANT! Well at least according to the little stick that I peed on yesterday morning!

By the time that you are reading this, if you happen to know me in real life and/or are friends with me on Facebook (and you know, actually frequent the blog), I'm sure you already know. But at this point in time, when I am writing this, only Jay and I know (and a select 300 people that are a part of a secret pregnancy group online that I've joined). Oh how I want to shout it from the rooftops, but can't... won't...

You may also quickly realize that this post is being written in advance of the wedding. Um, oops, lmao! Actually, it's not so much of an oops, as a we didn't think it would happen so fast! It may or may not have been such a secret to some people that I know, but I've wanted another baby for a LONG time. However, both Jay and I knew that it would behoove us if I graduated first, and we both had stable jobs (and were married) before we added another child to the family.

It was always my intention of starting to not prevent another child about a month before the wedding. Not necessarily, try for another baby, just not prevent. Jay... well, he really didn't care either way. Men, they don't often over analyze things like us women. I really had no hopes or belief that we would get pregnant right away, and honestly thought it would take a few months. Guess we're lucky, haha! And yes, I'm fully aware of the fact that it only takes one time to get pregnant... I'm not in middle school anymore, haha!

Anyways, so here I sit, about seven weeks before the wedding, just hoping that my dress will still zip up alright and that I won't pass out from not being able to breath all day long, haha!

Shall we recount how I found out?! You know you want to know. Actually, I just want to document everything like crazy and not feel ashamed this time around. While I was pregnant with Ayden, I felt like I shouldn't enjoy it given the circumstances. This time around is completely different. I got knocked up before the wedding, big deal. I did with Ayden nine years ago, it's OKAY! Anyways, I'm elated!

It was Sunday morning, I was home alone as Jay was at work and Ayden was with Jay's parents camping. I had a slight inkling that maybe I was. Nothing really stood out symptom wise other than I had seemed really tired lately and my appetite seemed insatiable. My period wasn't due for at least another four days and that's if it was going to come on time. The last few months my cycle has seemed kind of messed up, sometimes it'd come right on cue and others it would be late. IE: just last month I took only my second pregnancy test since having Ayden because I was a week late. It was negative and my period showed up a few days later. This time, I wasn't even late yet, and so I had no intentions of seeing a positive. Um, I was wrong. A faint second line started to show up almost right away and the longer I stared at it, the darker it became. It was honestly quite surreal.

And, unlike the last time I saw a positive pregnancy test, this time I was excited and nervous, not scared shitless! And then I had to wait until Jay got home to tell him. He had been joking the last couple of days that I was already pregnant, but I don't think either of us thought that he was being serious. Haha!

He got home and I was actually kind of nervous to tell him, but of course I did! He seemed excited, although I don't think most men jump off the walls with excitement. He wasn't upset, so that's a plus, lol!

Am I upset that I'll be pregnant for the wedding. Heck no! I don't drink, so I won't be missing out on any of that. I'm just praying that I'm not sick with morning/all day sickness!

Of course I had to go online right away and order Ayden the cutest big brother shirt. The bummer thing about Ayden already being almost nine is that many of the stores I could get a big brother shirt at don't carry them in big boy sizes. That is where etsy comes in! I love etsy! It has been my friend throughout the wedding planning process and I'm sure it will be more than my friend throughout this pregnancy. I found him the perfect big brother shirt that isn't too cutesy for a nine year old and I cannot wait for him to wear it when we tell our parents. I'm only hoping that we can keep it a secret until after we get back from our honeymoon. We shall see! I also found the cutest tank top for me to wear for my weekly belly pictures throughout the pregnancy. Because, believe you me, there will be plenty! I think I maybe have one or two from Ayden's pregnancy and those are from my baby shower. I did not want my picture taken because I didn't want to remember that I was THAT 18 year old who had a baby. This time, it will be pictures galore! I even took my first 'bump' picture last night just to commemorate what I looked like on the day that I found out. Obviously, there is no bump right now, but I couldn't resist! I really am just so excited!

But I'm also scared because I know that there is a long time between first finding out that I'm pregnant and having a healthy baby and that there are a lot of potential things that could go wrong. I am just going to have faith that everything will work out as it should and that ultimately I am not the one in control!

I'm not having any other symptoms really, other than just being more tired than usual and feeling more hungry. It's really early though, that much I get. I think I probably looked at the pee stick no less than a dozen times yesterday to continue to see that it was actually try. I plan on taking another test later this week, just to confirm at home before I make a doctor's appointment. Oh, so much to think about! So exciting!

I'm so looking forward to the pregnancy progressing and the baby growing and being able to feel the kicks and punches. Oh, this is going to be fun!

{telling someone}

August 6, 2013

Well, besides having in confirmed by the doctor, I'm pretty sure I'm knocked up. I bought a pack of the digital 'pregnant' and 'not pregnant' tests last night on my way home from work and took one right away when I got home. I was slightly nervous that the result would come up not pregnant. I don't know why, but I was. Well, I had nothing to be nervous about because not even a minute after peeing on the stick, it showed up 'pregnant'. This is real. Real real.

And now I'm kind of scared. Scared because I know just how early we are into it and the long journey ahead. Like I mentioned yesterday, I know that a positive pregnancy test doesn't automatically assume that nine months from now I'll be holding a healthy little baby.

I know the general rule of thumb is to not tell anyone until you are safely out of the first trimester- or so they say. Do I ever follow the general rule of thumb for anything in life, I think not! But damn, I just HAD to tell someone!

So, I told my bestie, Victoria.

Jay didn't really want me to tell her. I think he really wanted out parents and grandparents to be the first to know after us. But, I kind of sort of HAD to tell Victoria because she was planning on doing the Tough Mudder with me in early September and really, I can't do the Tough Mudder anymore, it just wouldn't be safe. I have read blogs and posts and scoured the forums to see if it would be safe to do (all before even getting the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor- what can I say, I'm a planner) and have read that women have done it and various early stages in their pregnancy and just skipped the obstacles that were too dangerous... so I probably could do it (of course pending doctor approval), but just deep down in my gut, I don't want to take even the calculated risk. So, no go.

And of course when I told Victoria that I couldn't do the Tough Mudder anymore, she needed to know why. Of course she did, that's what besties are for. I mean, I've been looking forward to the Tough Mudder all summer, why would I suddenly back out just a month before. She was excited for us. I knew she would be! And I think slightly relieved as well because she did mention that she had a nightmare about the Tough Mudder just the previous night. So, it will give us an excuse to train even harder for the one next year!

At this point I fully intend on doing the Dirty Girls 5k on my birthday! That I am stoked about!

One of the things that I am currently struggling with right now mentally is knowing that I am going to gain weight over the course of this pregnancy. I have worked SO hard for the last year and a half to loose a bit of weight and then maintain myself through healthy eating and exercise. I know that the weight gain is a given, but for someone who has been such a scale whore for the last year (yes, I know it probably isn't THAT healthy to measure success by weighing yourself every day or even every other day), it's going to be a change. I know that after the pregnancy that I'll kick myself back into gear and lose the weight... oh, I know, not even four weeks preggo and already complaining! Haha! This is going to be a long nine months! Just ask Jay!

{not telling someone}

August 8, 2013

As I mentioned, in my last post, I HAD to tell someone. So… I did.

Both Jay and I have pretty much decided to not tell anyone else (well hopefully I can keep my big mouth shut), until after the wedding, closer to the 12 week ‘safe’ zone.

I know I’ve blogged about it in the past and how whenever I got pregnant again, that it would be hard to change the mindset of not being that pregnant 17 year old senior still in school. I am 26 (almost 27), an official Doctor of Audiology, and gainfully employed (albeit not quite full time), so this time around it should be different. But I just can’t shake the feeling that when we announce people will still be like they should have waited. And I want to scream at them… wait for what?! I think I’m dreading it most from our parents. I live to please. Okay, that’s a straight out lie, I don’t live to please. I’m a straight out go against the grain girl, but I want to make our parents proud. And the whole going to college and graduating, and going again, and becoming a doctor, and raising Ayden in the middle of it all, and staying with Jay, and getting a job, and getting married aside, I just have this overwhelming feeling they will be disappointed that we didn’t wait until we were settled into our jobs more, or had a house, or paid off some of our student debt, or started saving for retirement, or saving for Ayden’s college… all of that. All money related. I hate money. I hate that it runs the world.

All I can hear in the back of my head is my mom saying to me more than once when we’ve talked about having more children in the past is wait until you’re married, until you have a job, essentially, just WAIT! You screwed up once, get it right this time. Now never did she think I screwed up with Ayden… got pregnant too early, made life a little more difficult, sure, but I think she knew deep down we’d make it through. We’d just have to forge our own path and it might be a little more hilly than someone else’s. But I want to make our parents proud. And for as many times as they’ve (and other family members have told us how proud they are of us), I still revert back to the ONE thing that happened that shouldn’t have. I should not have been a mother at 18.

But it’s what my path included. And so it happened.

I just don’t want the… you were so close to getting married, why didn’t you just wait until after the wedding. I don’t want anything but positivity this time around. I don’t want anything but joy and excitement this time around. And I fear it won’t be that. I want everyone to be as excited as I am. I NEED everyone to be just as excited as I am.

Sometimes I feel that having Ayden so young put EVERYTHING else on a permanent hold. Not to mention the extra four years of schooling I decided to do. I would NEVER want to change the past and not have Ayden when I did. That child is my heart and soul combined. I think knowing that I had to support him helped push me to get to where I am today. I know it did.

So, when does life get to start for Jay and myself? When do we get to be considered normal? I’m sure I just have this screwed up perception of what everyone else thinks about us, but I can’t help it. I have cousins, classmates, friends who have more children than I do and are either just the same age or YOUNGER! When do we get to start?! When is it fair for us?

{as the days go by}

August 12, 2013

I didn’t quite realize this until just the other day, but my projected due date (according to the due date calculator that I was using, haven’t been to the doctor yet) is April 14^th… this means the baby could potentially be born on 4-14-14… are fours a lucky number?! I’ll be cautiously optimistic that we end up with a 4-4-14 baby or a 4-14-14 baby because that is definitely a birthday even daddy could remember, haha!

The weeks in life continue to fly by; however, the days seem to be going in slow motion. Like, okay, I found out I’m pregnant, now can we skip to the good stuff, lol! I hate wishing time away because we are in the summer and good warm weather and my baby is still only eight and not nine, and I just don’t want the rest of 2013 to fly by so quickly! But I’m anxious to actually feel like I’m pregnant as well.

I’m anxious to tell people.

I’m not really having any other symptoms right now, other than some tiredness. I’ve been continuing to try and drink lots of fluids, eat in moderation (but not restricting myself), and try to get out and be active. This last week was a stretch. I last ran a week ago, and then once during the week I got outside for some rollerblading and then a walk with my bestie.

Stay tuned for Part 2.

CIAO! LOVE ME!