{trying to be positive}

It's been a trying last couple of days for me mentally, emotionally, and physically, but only those closest to me would be able to know as I'm trying to be thankful and positive, but it is hard. I don't know if I'm cut out to be pregnant. I am not enjoying this pregnancy at all yet and I feel so ungrateful saying that. I know that I am growing a little miracle right now, but I'm still not feeling very well throughout the course of the day, I'm not enjoying things like I want to be, and I'm just not myself. I dread getting up in the morning because I know another day of not feeling good is about to start. I physically cringe when my alarm goes off because I know that once my body registers that I am awake there is only a certain amount of time before I need to get food into it before I start dry heaving up what isn't in it. It's a race to get downstairs and eat something. And no, the crackers, granola bars, etc by my bed in the morning do not work. I'm still sleeping well (knock on the fake wood desk I am sitting at right now), so that is my release. Like the title of this post says, I'm trying to be positive about it all. I know that there are women out there who would give ANYthing to be in my place. To be able to get pregnant and go through all of the pregnancy related stuff and here I sit complaining about it. It's not that I'm not thankful for being pregnant because I am, truthfully I am. I'm just being honest here, my body is not reacting to it great yet and it's affecting me. I've always been a pretty open book on my blog, and so I'll try to continue to be. I know that someone with infertility problems may come across this post at some point in the far away future (because I'm still pretty sure reader average on my blog is pretty minimal, which is okay by me) and may think that I'm being ungrateful and selfish for feeling like I do, and you know what, that is OKAY! From the beginning I've said that not EVERYONE will agree with what I write and how I 'run' my life, but that is why we are all created differently.

 

In any case, I AM trying to enjoy things and not EVERY minute of EVERY day is horrible. I've been busy on the weekends with photoshoots so the time is just flying by. I am 15 weeks pregnant today. 15 weeks! Doesn't that mean I should start feeling more like myself again? I know every pregnancy is different and this one is certainly different than the first one. A little over a month until we find out whether this little bambino is another little man or a little princess joining our family. I could certainly go in sooner and have an elective ultrasound done at another facility in the next week or so, but I don't know if I want to spend the extra money doing that. We shall see how impatient I get, haha!

 

The main man in my life and the little man have been nothing but supportive lately. I feel bad that I'm giving them the shaft so much, but I think they understand. Ayden has just been a doll! I couldn't have asked for a more understanding little nine year old. He doesn't fail to ask me every morning and night how I am feeling. It's definitely precious. I think he's getting sick of everyone asking him if he's excited for a little sister, haha! He is still WAY on the boy train and that is okay with me. I'm not quite sure if I'm pulling one way or the other right now.

 

I do know that I've been itching to buy baby things lately. I've found a few good scores on craiglist which I am super excited about. I've found a moby wrap that I cannot wait to use in April! I had a baby carrier with Ayden, but it wasn't terribly convenient and I think I only used it once or twice. I've also found a swing and the carseat/stroller combo that we wanted for brand new. I'm picking that up tomorrow and am super excited! It's the small things people, the small things, haha! Now if only I had enough energy to get my house clean we'd be set! Any takers?!

 

CIAO! LOVE ME!