Caved...

A few months ago I wrote a post 'saying goodbye' to a very dear friend of mine. I wrote it on here because I wasn't going to send it, but needed some outlet because I was feeling pretty upset about the whole situation. I mean, from my stand point, I was losing a friend. And in all respects, I pretty much did. After that 'goodbye' I did not hear from said friend for over two months, and this was not a mutual decision.

Given the circumstances of the situation at the time, when my friend said he would write, I expected that he would write. I waited and waited for said letter... and it never came. Anger boiled when I knew he was capable of writing, but wasn't. I rewound time and fueled my anger at him with how he reacted when we lost touch four or five years ago. I justified my anger with the fact that he was just the same person as then and in fact nothing had changed. Our entire friendship was a ploy and I'd been had AGAIN! But I refused to let the anger bring me down to a point where I would retaliate. I kept myself calm and said over and over that this was how it was meant to be. We were apart of each other's lives when the time counted and there was a specific reason for it. As each day went on, I stopped hoping for a letter or even a phone call. I was enjoying life to the fullest and often went days wondering what my friend was up to. (I mean you can't just stop wondering about someone you called your best friend.)

So, what happened? I caved...

I decided that for my own piece of mind, I needed to write my friend one last letter saying goodbye. Not something to post on my blog for everyone, but said friend because he doesn't read this, but something personal to him. I wrote... but my letter was not all nice and cheery. It was three sentences long. I said that I needed to write for my own personal goodbye and the rest was in his hands. I needed to know that I just didn't give up, and that if he wanted to get in touch at a later date, he had the means. I also wished him the best with what life was to bring him.

I wasn't expecting anything back, nor did I really know if I wanted to hear back. But I did... I got a letter in the mail a couple of days later saying that we needed the time apart to focus on other things and while in retrospect I agree that there were things in our lives that we each need to focus on, I do not agree with the fact that one person in a friendship can just decide to call it quits for a while until they feel the time is right.

Probably against my better judgment (heck, I probably shouldn’t have even written in the first place) I wrote back… twice now. Both letters have been void of anything personal and relatively short. I will not jump back into this friendship like nothing happened. My friend stated that of course he was not going to throw me to the curb and that he had every intention of contacting me soon. I call his bluff, but of course I’ll never know. I cannot say if I want to be best friends again or if we will be… as always the future is unknown…

Part of me wishes I wouldn’t have caved… part of me wishes the whole thing away… part of me is sad for all that was lost… part of me longs for the friendship that used to be that will most likely never be the same…

CIAO! LOVE ME!