{scared}

*I’m finding it harder and harder to blog these days. First, finding time when there are already not enough hours in the day is hard, especially since I’m in bed almost right after Xander because I am SO tired. And even though I have lots of thoughts rolling around in my head, when I do find the occasional spare minute to sit down and write, nothing comes out, or at least not the way I want it to.*

Today marks 193 days until I do one of the craziest things that I will probably ever do in my life. In October 2012 I ran my first ever official 5k run. It was shortly after that race that my best friend, Victoria (whom I talk about on here often), decided to start running and we set out to run in a race every month for a year. We did pretty good with our goal! It was also shortly after my first 5k that I thought maybe one day I’d like to run a half marathon and set out to train for that. In April 2013 I completed my first ever half marathon and crushed my goal by about 10 minutes! I couldn’t believe it. It was after that half marathon that my hubby told me that I should run a marathon now. I gave him the evil eye and said NEVER! I had no ambition to run a marathon what so ever. I liked the 13.1 distance just enough to possibly consider another half marathon… possibly.

In late summer 2013 I found out I was pregnant and my gumption for another half marathon anytime soon dwindled away, but I had hopes of doing another one at some point. Then Victoria found the Dopey Challenge (of which I’ve blogged about before) and we knew that there was no turning back. We are officially crazy, but yes, we’ve always been this way together! Um, seriously, who else would I join forces with and wear a picture of some random guy I found in a magazine taped to my shirt every Friday while in high school. Hello, HOT GUY FRIDAY was a must, haha!

So, in 193 days the Walt Disney World Marathon weekend begins and I cannot wait! I am scared shitless about the prospect of running my first ever marathon the day after completing a half marathon, which is the day after running a 10k, which is the day after running a 5k. I am not scared about the 5k or the 10k or even the first half of the half marathon. I KNOW I will be able to complete those because I have before. And honestly, my only goal for the marathon is to finish it. I do not have plans to run the entire thing. I just want to FINISH! But seriously, 26.2 miles is daunting. Especially since at this point, almost one full month into training, my further distance has only been a 5k. I blame part of that on the 1 ½ week break I had to take because of a stomach virus that I had that caused anything I ate to literally go right through me which halted any running or working out for a bit. Ugh!

I am making progress though, that much I know. On May 26^th I participated in my first 5k post baby that I was planning on running in and finished it in just under 45 minutes. On June 26^th (last night) I ran a 5k in just under 37 minutes! Progress (not perfection)! Very proud of myself. Further, from May 1 until today I have lost 6.9% of my body weight! Hells yeah, I am officially back down to pre-baby weight! I still have some toning that I need to do, especially with my abs (darn you stomach muscles), but I am feeling SO much better (and most of my clothes fit again)!

I donned a swimsuit for the first time this past week in almost a year and went swimming with Ayden. It was great! Okay, so I still may not love my body in a swimsuit, but we had a lot of fun in the pool and I remembered my love of swimming! It is such a good workout and very relaxing at the same time. Yes, I just said that a workout can be relaxing, haha!

This week also ends my first month back at work and it has gone well. I’ve survived, the kids have survived, my house has survived, the hubs has survived. It’s all good (most of the time). My biggest problem is feeling like there are enough hours in the day, although I know that a lot of people struggle with this. Also, I don’t know why I didn’t realize this before now, but Jay gets to spend more time with the kids than I do and I am slightly jealous of that fact. I do get the awake time with them in the morning while we are all getting ready for the day so it kind of evens out on the days that Jay doesn’t get home until 3ish, but still. This momma likes her kiddo time, hehe! Anyways, it works for us and Jay is a great hands on father. I mean, I already knew that with Ayden, but he wasn’t around 24/7 when Ayden was a baby simply because we didn’t live together that first year. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t around at all or that he didn’t help, but I was without help most nights after 7pm. Granted, typically when I get home I take on baby duty since Jay has already been home for a few hours and because I’m kind of craving it, but it does help to also have him around when I do need a break. For example, like last night when Xander got up at 2am and this momma was tired… daddy took that feeding. Generally I do most night feedings, with Jay doing one (sometimes two) during a week and that is okay with me because he doesn’t complain.

I refuse to believe that next week we start July. The summer is already flying by and it seems like it has just started. Ugh!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{keep going}

I have been back at work for one full week now and I am starting week number two and I am still alive and functioning. Still alive and well, and well managing to still function somehow, haha! The drive in this morning was rough. Have I mentioned that I have a 45 minute drive to and from work? It gets long when you are tired! Thank goodness for my energy drink that I’ve been having! No more soda, almost two months soda free!

How was leaving Xander and returning to work you ask?! What, you didn’t ask? Well, I’m going to tell you anyways. It was alright. No tears were shed. I survived. It was a little rough. I got up that morning and managed to get everyone ready in time and was off to work. I am officially part of the 5am club, but just not for working out. Wish it could be for that. Maybe in a few weeks once I feel more confident about being able to get ready and out the door on time I’ll work that in. I had a really good week being back at work and besides missing the tiny man like crazy, it went well. I was pretty busy all week so the days just flew by and before I knew it, I was headed back home to cuddle with the Xan-man! I think in the ideal world I’d love to work only part-time (as I really did enjoy that last summer), but student loans and other bills kind of prevent that right now. Oh well. It really isn’t as if I am going to ‘work’ because I do like what I do. It doesn’t seem like work for me. Are all days peachy perfect? Of course not, but for the most part it doesn’t feel like work per se. If that makes sense.

I forgot to mention in my last post that I’ve officially run my first (and now second) 5k since Xander was born. On Memorial Day weekend, Victoria (because we hardly ever do runs without each other anymore), Ayden, Xander, and myself all packed up and headed off to Fond Du Lac for my first post baby run. I don’t necessarily count the Color Run I did three weeks after Xander was born because I walked the whole thing. We had (mostly me) big goals of finishing this run in less than 45 minutes. It was no easy feat, let me tell you. I was pushing the jogging stroller, and have you ever tried running with one of those?!

Needless to say, Ayden rocked the run and actually ended up finishing about three minutes before me. We all stuck together until about the last half mile-ish. I pushed myself and Victoria throughout the whole thing. Ask her, I was being the bitchy bestie who wouldn’t let her walk! Hehe! We did walk/run intervals and Ayden had no trouble at all! Little stink butt! Xander slept the whole time so we didn’t even get cheered on by him, haha! I came in shortly after 44 minutes and Victoria finished just before 45 minutes. We all hit our goal and were damn proud of ourselves. I mean, at that point I was just shy of six weeks post-partum. Hells yeah!

That run took care of our May ‘obligation’ so it was then time to find one for June and I happened to find one in a city pretty close to us. It was an uber small event with maybe 100 walkers (if that) and probably only about 20 runners. This time I was sans kiddos and my goal was to finish in less than 40 minutes and Victoria’s was to finish in less than 44 and wouldn’t you know it… we both hit our goals again! Rock it! The course ended up being more like 3.25 miles instead of 3.1, but I checked my Garmin at 3.1 and I was at 37 minutes and about 30 seconds. Oh yeah! I felt good! It was a hard run because I was pushing myself, but you don’t get better by just sitting around not pushing yourself! And I know that I’ll get back to where I was at some point!

Victoria and I have now officially run in 11 ‘races’ together. I use the term race loosely as we don’t actually race, we just run. And I’ve also discovered that we have a knack for always standing on the same side when we take our after run picture together. Too funny! Never would I have thought that by starting out running to just finish a 5k back in October 2012 that I would have somehow become addicted to it, gotten my best friend addicted to it, and be training for my first marathon! It is completely insane if you ask me! But that is what Victoria and I do best… we do insane and I don’t think either of us would have it any other way!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{back to work}

I'm sitting here in the glider in Xander's room listening to him smack his lips in his crib just chilling out. It is relaxing. And I'm giving all this up to go back to work on Monday. Why oh why?! Actually, as I've probably said before, I enjoy my job so I'm not completely heartbroken about having to leave my sweet baby boy. Honestly, I visited work this past week (I was missing my coworkers, they really are like family to me) and had a look at my schedule for Monday and I am excited about getting back to it. Of course I am going to miss Xander. I miss Ayden like crazy when I'm at work and have missed him like crazy while he has been in school these last weeks and I've been home. Ayden and I will always have that extra special mommy and son bond... Simply because he had been my only child for nine years. Unfortunately, I have to now give my sons the same line that my mom gives me 'you are one of my favorite children' or 'you know I love you all equally'. Let's face it, that may be true in the case of me to my kids, but we all know I'm my mom's favorite no matter what she says, haha!

I've definitely enjoyed being home after having Xander, but it's time to get back to our reality and I think we are all kind of looking forward to it. 

The tiny man has been very good to mommy the last two nights sleeping for about a six to seven hour stretch. Mommy is happy. We did take a step back from the crib transition though. It was pretty warm here last week/beginning of the week and we only have two window AC units. One for our bedroom and one for Ayden's bedroom. Because we had one night before they were put in that it was warm and both mommy and Xander slept like crap... Daddy installed them and the next night instead of having Xander in his hot room and crib, we brought him back to our room and put him in the pack and play. That was an okay night. The night after it cooled down a bit and he was back in the crib. Once again, it was an okay night. Momma was getting tired of just okay nights, so on Wednesday, I brought him back into our room, swaddled him up (it had gotten cooler again) and hoped for the best. Needless to say, I was surprised when I was first being woken up at almost 3am! I thought it might be a fluke, but he did it again last night. We'll make the transition back to the crib at some point, but with me going back to work this week, I'm going to try and get as much sleep as I can! Yeah Xander!

I had my post partum doctors visit today and everything looks good! I got the okay to start working out again, although I have been kind of running for the past two weeks and just this week started a program called T25. It is a beach body program and I just finished Day 2 today. The best part is that the workouts are only 25 minutes long. The two that I have done so far have literally kicked my ass, but everyne has 25 minutes to spare! I've done other beach body programs... Turbo Fire and Chalean Extreme and have loved them both and will incorporate both of them into my cross training for my Dopey Challenge in January. It just feels so good to feel like me again. As I've probably said a dozen times now. What can I say, it was a long few months where I really didn't feel like me. 

These next couple of weekends are going to go by super fast because we are booked to the gills with graduation parties, soccer games, rummage sales, Father's Day, and anything else we can seem to fit in! Before I know it, the month of June is going to be over and it didn't even start yet! Goodness! 

And, now tiny man is starting to fuss so that is my cue to end this!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{running}

Today was my first non track non jogging stroller long run on my old running route and even though it severely kicked my ass, it felt great! When I started running again last week I had full intentions of following the Couch to 5K program like I did last time, but on Day 2 I said screw it and did my own thing. At this point I am fully doing my own thing, but it is still running inverals, they are just longer than I would be running already with C25K. Most of my runs so far have been with Xander in the jogging stroller around the track... No people, no bumps, and close to our house if Xander would happen to get ultra fussy (although he's enjoyed them so far). 

I fully and logically realize that I am only five weeks post partum and it took me nine full months to go from 123 lbs to 158 lbs (I'm kind of guesstimating that number, because it know it was close to 35 lbs that I gained during pregnancy), but the emotional part of me is bummed my weight loss has kind of stalled and it's taking hard ass work to get the scale to move again. As of this morning, I was 128.6 lbs, only 5.6 lbs to lose to get to my pregnancy weight, only 8.6 lbs to lose to get to my goal. But ultimately, the number on the scale doesn't matter so much to me as it is feeling good in my body and fitting back into all of my clothes. Most days I wake up and feel good about where I am in this so called journey back to the old me, but occasionally I'll look in the mirror and still see the baby pooch and I'll want to wear a specific pair of pants and I can't yet fit into them. I should feel great that at only five weeks out I only have five more pounds to lose, but also, the closer you get to your ideal weight, the harder it becomes to lose it and the more hard work you have to put in. Hard work sucks! Lol!

So, about my run today. Like I mentioned, it kicked my butt! I took off on my old three mile route and decided that I wanted to try and finish in 40 minutes or less. I had tried that on Monday on the track with the stroller, but missed it by three minutes. I was still proud of myself though. Three miles in 43 minutes while pushing a stroller (granted it was on a flat surface).

I put my headphones in, cranked the music to an unapproved by an audiologist level, hehe, and took off! I ran almost all of the first mile and then had to do shorter intervals throughout the rest of it. If you run, or even walk for that matter, you know there was just something about being alone with your thoughts. Running kicks my ass, but it also gives me that challenge and I love pushing myself. Today I was telling myself to get to the next light post or the next sign and to just keep going! And I did. I may have been a sweaty mess afterwards, but I also felt great! And you know what? I ran those three miles in 40 minutes 18 seconds. Not quite under my goal, but damn near close enough to it! It was just the 40 kid and baby free minutes that this momma needed to rejuvenate herself!

Getting ready to rock that 5k on Sunday, even if we have to walk more than run.

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{to my alexander}

My tiny man... You have now been in our family (outside of mommy's belly) for just over a month now and like mommy always says, time has flown! She cannot believe that you have been here for a month now and what a month it has been!

We recently had your one month doctor's appointment and you weighed 11 lbs 8 oz and were 23 inches long. Both of those fell into the 90th or above percentile. I don't remember what the nurse said your head circumference was (although she did write it down), but I do know it was also in the 90th percentile. You are growing like a weed and are super healthy!

Your tear ducts are clogged, but your doctor said that that was okay and that what we were doing at home was good. She said it could take up to a year for them to clear out, but mommy and daddy are hoping it happens sooner. It doesn't seem to bother you at all, but mommy feels bad always having to wipe your eyes.

Everywhere we go people ooh and ahh over your hair! Daddy's keeps saying we need to cut it and as much as mommy wishes he was joking, she knows that he's mostly serious. Mommy refuses though and you'll have nice long hair for a long time yet. Your brother's hair is nice and long right now too and it is the cutest! Although he wouldn't want mommy calling him cute. He's at that age.

Speaking of your big brother... He loves you more than he lets on. Mommy has caught him singing to you to try and calm you down, he tries to give you your nuk, which by the way you don't really care for, even though mommy wishes you would... He likes to say goodnight to you and is always asking how your day was when he gets home from school. He still refuses to change any of your diapers though!

You are sleeping relatively good at night for a one month old, only making mommy and daddy get up twice usually. We will take that for now because we know it could be worse, although at this point mommy is starting to jones for a full uninterrupted night of sleep. She knows it will come again... Hopefully sometime in the coming months. Your brother did not sleep through the night for a long time and that is one thing she hopes you don't follow in his footsteps with. 

You've just about outgrown your newborn diapers which is sad. We have just a few left that we are trying to use up, but the size ones definitely fit a little bit better. You have outgrown just a few newborn outfits and some of the 0-3 month ones that were big on you just a few weeks ago are going to be too small pretty soon! Stop growing so fast please!

Right now you are eating about 4 oz every 3-4 hours and you always burp better for daddy than you do for mommy. She is a little jealous about that, but she knows she has the special touch when it comes to calming you down. 

Mommy has to go back to work in a week and a half and she is going to miss you like crazy! She has had a lot of years to get used to being away from your brother all day, but you are a tiny little munchkin yet. But your Auntie Emmy is going to be watching you for the majority of the summer, so she knows that you and Ayden are going to be in great hands and you will have lots of fun I with her. 

Mommy loves you tiny man!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{first Mother's Day as...}

...a mommy of two! And it was great! Ayden made me the cutest little gift in school with the sweetest poem inside. I could sit here and complain that I didn't get to sleep in and Jay did. I could complain that Jay didn't even take the boys out to get me something, but I'm not going to. Despite the fact that it would have been nice to be a little spoiled on Mother's Day, I just revelled in the fact that I am blessed enough to be a mom, and a mom to two little boys that I couldn't fathom my life without. We spent the morning chilling at home together and it was great. I got in some extra snuggles and just loved it.

In the afternoon, we headed over to my mom's place and celebrated Mother's Day with her. We had some yummy food, of which I indulged in just a bit too much, haha! And then drove home in the pouring rain. Ah, but alas, it was a great day!

And because it was crappy weather yesterday, Jay ended up getting the day off. He headed into work, but got called off before he arrived, so he came back home and took over baby duty for me in the morning and let me sleep in and he even took Ayden to school. I slept in until about 8am and I am not going to lie, it felt nice! Xander continues to get up about twice a night and as much as it sucks sometimes, it could be worse and I'm not super exhausted all day and I often don't end up napping either.

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{first run}

Yesterday marked four weeks since Xander was born. Let's take a moment and just reflect upon the fact that I have successfully been the parent of two children for four weeks and have successfully taken care of a newborn on my own during the day for three weeks. (Not that I didn't think I could take care of a newborn, but it has been a long time.)

Yesterday also marked my first postpartum run. Up until yesterday, I have been walking about three miles every few days, but my mind has been screaming to get out and run! My body on the other hand, hasn't been ready until just recently. And I was being smart and listening to it. Yes, I know that it hasn't been the 'recommended' six weeks yet, but if I didn't feel ready, I wouldn't have tried it.

I haven't ran or worked out since my birthday of last year. I know this because I ran the Dirty Girls 5k with Victoria and the day after my morning sickness started and that put a kaboosh on everything. I mean, if we are being honest here, I could probably totally have tried to work through it, but I was too miserable and didn't feel like it. Pity poor excuse if you ask me, haha!

Anyways, I fully knew that starting to workout and run again post baby wasn't going to be easy and it would push me physically, but I was ready. I had intentions of running with Ayden after he got home from school and taking Xander in the jogging stroller if need be. Then I remembered Ayden had soccer practice and I didn't want to tire him out before that and Jay was going to visit his parents and give his mom her Mother's Day gift and he was going to take the baby. So... After Ayden started practice, I laced up my new running shoes, strapped on my Garmin running watch, turned on some good tunes, and took off! Well, kind of. I actually have started the Couch to 5k program again. I did this program two years ago when I started running and loved it! It helped me run my first 5k, got me hooked on running, and ultimately led me to running my first half marathon! 

I knew yesterday's run was going to be hard and it was. But, what I wasn't prepared for was also how great it felt! The feeling of the pavement pounding under my feet is something that I didn't realize I missed so much. Yes, I did miss working out and running throughout my pregnancy, but I didn't realize just how much. I pushed through the workout yesterday and had the craziest smile on my face afterwards! I felt great afterwards... Think I was sort of riding a bit of a runners high. I was fully expecting to be sore this morning, but I wasn't. 

I felt more like myself than I have in the past who knows how many months. All of the dislikes I had about pregnancy were definitely worth it for Xander and I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat for him, but I'm not going to lie, I feel SO much better now. Now just to work on losing those last six pounds and getting my muscle definition back and to fit back into ALL of my prepregnancy jeans, hehe! 

I can't wait to get back to swimming and the rest of my cross training as well... Bike riding and rollerblading, but I'm going to wait a few weeks yet for that. I'm going to start the program T25 in a few weeks too. Ready to hit everything up hardcore by the beginning of June!

The bitch it back! Haha! Just kidding! But the drive to get back out there is in full force now!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{three weeks}

I'm having a hard time figuring out where the last three weeks have gone. I know that time flew just as fast when Ayden was a baby and the last 10 years have literally flew by in the blink of an eye. It is crazy. I am going to enjoy these next four weeks at home with Xander and hope that they go nice and slow. And then summer is going to start and I know that it is going to fly by as well and before we know it, we are going to be back in the cold weather. Wisconsin is supposed to have all four seasons, but I feel like they get an unequal amount of time to be enjoyed by us and that it is colder a lot longer than it is warmer, but that is just me.

We had a good weekend. I feel like I didn't get to see my husband during any if it, but it was still good. On Saturday, I walked my first official 5k since Xander was born. It was a 'color run' but not the OFFICIAL one. We (Ayden, my sister, her boyfriend, Victoria, and her little man, Parker), did this run last year and had a great time. I didn't really plan on doing it this year, but my sister suggested it, so we did and this year my mom joined us. Emily, John, and Ayden walked/ran it, and my mom and I just walked it. Up until Saturday I had only walked one mile increments and I definitely felt it afterwards in my back, so I was kind of concerned how I was going to make it through a longer walk. 

The weather was cool and windy, but we survived and got full of color! It took me just under an hour to walk the whole thing which I thought was pretty good considering. I wore my belly binder which helps more now for the slight lingering back aches and I felt pretty good throughout the entire walk. I'm not going to lie though, I wanted to be one of the runners. It was hard for me to be walking it and not running It. I know the time will come, but still. That just means I still have the want for running within me. But on the other hand, I am nervous about starting up again after such a long break. I am excited to break in some new shoes though! 

During the walk, Xander hung out at my dad's house and was watched by Wendy and Alexis. Jay was turkey hunting. Ayden decided to stay at my dad's house after the walk to play with Alexis, so it was just me and Xander at home afterwards. Jay was helping with a brat fry and then headed back out to hunt some more. 

Sunday, Jay had to work until noonish, so the boys and I chilled at home, made a Walmart run, and relaxed. After Jay got home he did the most amazing thing. He took both boys AND the dog out to his grandparents house for a few hours. His grandparents needed help putting the pier in on the lake and his grandma couldn't say no to baby time, lol! I had the ENTIRE house to myself (well the cat was here) and it was pure bliss! I needed some downtime as lately Xander has been having some long cranky periods which definitely take a lot out of this momma. But you know what... I enjoyed probably the first hour alone and then just waited for my family to return, haha! Jay definitely got the worlds best hubby award yesterday, even if he took the boys and then didn't end up even having to watch them himself. 

This week I have decided to drop Ayden at school off myself, whereas since Xander has been born, Wendy has picked him up from our house on her way to drop Alexis off (when I go to work, I drop Ayden off at their house in the morning). I know that Wendy would have gladly continued to pick Ayden up from our house on their way as it is on the way for her, but for whatever reason I wanted to get into a good routine of doing it in the morning. Slowly adding things to our morning routines will make getting ready when I go back to work hopefully easier in the coming weeks. Anyways, I got caught up in writing out some bills this morning and before I knew it, I had about 7 minutes before I wanted to leave and I hadn't dressed Xander yet. And of course in the middle of changing his diaper, he decided he needed to poop and pee everywhere. Thanks buddy! Haha! We still got out of the house on time, but it definitely added some stress for mommy! The joys of a baby!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{the real work begins}

At two weeks postpartum, I think I have lost all of the 'easy' weight that I am going to. The scale (yes, it has unfortunately re-entered my life as a regular) has remained pretty stable the last four or five days. I am happy to say that I am only about 10 lbs away from my prepregnancy weight, although I won't be happy with that weight unless I am as fit as I was prior. IE: if I get to that weight and am still flabby, I'll be sad, but if I get to that weight and have the muscle and endurance I once did, then okay. I know it is going to take time to build up that muscle and endurance again and I am looking forward to it.

I'm not going to get hung up on how fast or slow the scale moves in the downward direction, because honestly, I am just so happy that I am feeling better. Really, this pregnancy did me in. I packed up all of my maternity clothes, but I don't know what to do with them. Right now I can't even think about being pregnant again, but I don't want to say that our family is complete either. If we don't add anymore children to our family, I'd be okay with that, but if we do, that'd be great too. Do I want to to be pregnant again, not really. But if I'm being completely honest, for as much as I disliked being pregnant, there have been moments here and there where I've missed those baby kicks and hiccups and just knowing that he was safe inside me.

Anyways, with that, I need to get my food in order. We just celebrated Easter and staying away from that Easter candy while I am home all day has been my biggest struggle. My meals themselves have been relatively healthy, it's all of the extra chocolate that I can't seem to keep out of my mouth! I typically have been having a fruit smoothie for breakfast, a sandwich thin and some fresh veggies or fruit for lunch, and then a smaller portion of whatever we are having for supper. I've also been trying to up my water intake again. They say you should drink about half your body weight in water each day and I've been pretty good about at least getting close to that.

The worst part is the crappy weather that we have been having lately. Now that I am feeling more like my old self (albeit not completely normal or fully healed yet), I want to be moving and outside. It is getting hard to just sit inside everyday, especially with a dog who wants to be outside and has a lot of energy. Yesterday, in the drizzling rain, I packed up the tiny man in his a car seat and stroller, double blanketed him so he wouldn't feel any wind or rain, leashed up the dog, and we went for a 3/4 mile walk. It was slow... I mean I was pushing a stroller and trying to handle a 65 lb dog who still isn't fully leash trained yet, but we made it. It was a little windy, but not too cold. I just needed to get out for a bit. I wanted to do a mile, but I didn't want to push myself too hard. I just needed to move a bit.

So, until I get the okay to start actually working out again, I'm going to really try focusing on healthy eating and the short walks that I go on during the hopefully non crappy weather that we will soon have. Hey, a girl can hope, right?! I want to enjoy at least some of my time off outside!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{daddy}

I've said it before, but it needs to be said again. I am so blessed to be married to Jay and to have him as the father of our children. Is our marriage perfect? No. But no ones is. Is he the perfect dad? No. But no one is. I mean, I can't even admit to being the perfect mom. No one can. But do we do the best that we can? Yes.

I think I mentioned how great that Jay was while we were in the hospital and how much help he was while I was having a hard time getting around. I could totally haven done it alone while in the hospital had I needed to, but there would have been a lot more crying as I was a lot more slow moving than he was. And things have continued to work well at home. 

Now that Jay has returned to work, I am home alone with Xander all day. I am really hoping the weather starts to warm up soon because I am getting antsy sitting inside and would like to go for some walks soon. I am really starting to feel like my old self and need to get out and moving. It is harder to do that when you have a new baby and it is not very warm out. And I'm in no shape ready to do any at home workouts... Not for another few weeks. I just want to go for a walk! Haha!

Because Jay is at work, the baby duty falls on me. The day and night stuff. But, when Jay does get home from work, even after a long day, he doesn't complain when I ask him to change a diaper or take the baby for a little while to give me a quick break. It makes for a much happier momma.

We kind of had an understanding that since he is working, I would do the night feelings because I can nap with Xander during the day. Pst, I have actually yet to slow down and nap with him though, so I'm really just as tired. Anyways, I have been doing the night feedings and I have to say that our little guy has been great so far... Having a bottle around 8 or 9, sleeping until about midnight, feed, sleeping until about 3 or 4, and then up again around 6. It may sound like a lot, but honestly, I was expecting it to be worse, so I'm happy for the time being because I know that there will be bad nights as well. Anyways, I was just exhausted last night and did the midnight feeding, but when Xander woke up around 3, I chanced it and asked Jay if he wouldn't mind feeding him and he didn't bat an eye and got right up with him. It was nice to be able to stay in bed for a few extra hours last night. Makes for a happier momma!

Further, there are some rummage sales that I plan on going to this weekend and Jay didn't bat an eye when I told him that I was leaving the kiddos at home with him. And the great thing is that I didn't even think twice about leaving him with the kids alone. I know that he can handle them. And honestly, I am kind of looking forward to a little baby free time. I could cuddle Xander all day, but I'm also in need of some adult conversation and interaction. 

My mom is coming over on Saturday morning to watch the tiny man so that Jay and I can go watch Ayden's soccer game and I am excited to go see him without the babe just because I'll be able to focus all of my attention on him for a little while. I've been trying really hard to make sure he doesn't feel left out at all. Then it's rummage sale time and after that we are having Easter with my immediate family. It's going to be a busy and fun Saturday!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{January 2015}

So, I may just be crazy... Okay, so I know that I am crazy... I have been for quite a while,  I mean why else would the white vans be after me? You know who you are if you get that reference, haha! I've always enjoyed being outside the box and doing the unexpected. It makes people think twice about you and think, wow, she is someone to watch out for. I mean, who else wears a picture of a 'hot guy' one their shirt every Friday during their senior year of high school? It may have even been during a bit of my junior year as well, I don't remember. Yes, crazy.

Crazy enough to end up pregnant at 17 (okay, so that wasn't exactly planned), and then crazy enough to not let it affect her goals and plans and go to college, get her bachelors, get her doctorate, and then marry her best friend. Yeah, crazy, haha!

Anyways, what does any of this have to do with January 2015? Nothing really, I just felt like babbling for a little while.

However, as of yesterday, I may have just done the craziest thing that I've ever done in my entire life and that is registering for the Dopey  Challenge at Disney World this coming January. What is the Dopey Challenge you ask? Well I am so glad that you did. The Dopey Challenge is something new and in fact, this past year was the first year that Disney actually had it. The Dopey Challenge is a series of runs in the Disney parks. It is a four day event, where on day one you run a 5K, day two you run a 10K, day three you run a half marathon (13.1 miles) and on day four you run a full marathon (26.2 miles). Yes, you read that right... A full marathon! 

And the best part, it all takes place at Disney and you end up with six medals at the end, and did I mention that it is at Disney? My bestie, Victoria, and I are doing this together! I am SO excited and yet scared crapless about it too. You need to have a pace time of a 16 minute mile in order to not be 'swept' up on the course and not finish, but that is essentially walking pace and the only one that I am really worried about right now is the full marathon. Although I figure I could walk the whole thing and still be okay. Anyways, Victoria and I have a training plan all set up and I cannot wait to get started! 

At this point I'm still taking things nice and slow. Obviously no working out less than two weeks post baby. I've gone for a walk, and been out to a few stores walking, but nothing long or far. Still healing and in don't want to hinder the healing process at all, so slow it Is. 

The Dopey Challenge is my big after baby accomplishment that I want to do! It is going to be great!

Also, on another positive note, 9 days post baby, I tried on a pair of prepregnancy jeans and they fit! Granted, they are one of the bigger pairs I had and by fit, I mean, I was able to suck in far enough to get them buttoned, haha! I didn't say they fit well or even super comfortable, but even so, made my day! There are definitely more pairs that won't fit than that will fit at this point, but who cares... It is after all ONLY 9 days after Xander has been born. I never dreamed I'd fit into them this fast. Honestly, it has done wonders for my mood though feeling more and more like my old self every day now. Although, I'd love a full nights sleep, lol! As if that is going to happen anytime soon! 

So, wish me luck or call me crazy for signing up for the Dopey Challenge... Either way, I refuse to do anything but ROCK it! Just you wait and see!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{post baby everything}

Xander is officially a week old today and I cannot believe where the last week has gone. The week before he was born went extremely slow because I couldn’t wait to meet him and now that he is here, time just doesn’t seem to slow down! It doesn’t help that we have been relatively busy this past week getting into a routine at home and having visitors over and it being Easter and all. I just hope that the next couple of weeks while I am off don’t fly by as fast because I want to really enjoy the time that I have off with the tiny man.

Today is the first day that Jay has gone back to work since Xander has been born. It has just been me and Ayden at home because he still had off school for Easter. We’ve been doing alright. Jay didn’t sleep well last night, so I hope that his first day back is going alright. I took the night feedings last night, so it wasn’t because he was up with the baby. I think he was just nervous about going back to work. Nervous for what, I don’t know… I do know that he said he was ready to go back. He is a doer and doesn’t really like sitting around doing nothing and after a week off, he was ready to go back.

Me, I’m still doing pretty good for just having a baby a week ago. Tired, yes. Extremely tired yet, not quite. Sore, yes, but definitely not as sore as I was a week ago and each day continues to get better and better. I feel more like my old self than I have in the last nine months and I know that that is helping with my mood immensely. I am able to fit back into some of my pre-pregnancy clothes and it feels great. I haven’t tried any pre-pregnancy jeans on yet, but that is okay because I know that they won’t quite fit and I’m not ready to tackle those feelings yet, haha!

I did brave stepping on the scale though. I just had to see the number. My pre-pregnancy weight was 123. At my last doctor’s appointment (three days before Xander was born), the scale read 156. That is a 33lb weight gain for the pregnancy which was I was totally okay with. I was also okay with the fact that it was going to take just as long to lose the weight as it was to gain it. When I stepped on the scale this morning, it read 136lbs. 20lbs gone in a week. I’ll take that! 13lbs to go! Actually, the number on the scale isn’t as important as being healthy and feeling good (and fitting back into my clothes).

I’m even brave enough to share a picture with ya’ll. On the left is pre-pregnancy. Damn, I felt good about that body! On the right is one week after baby. Thank you Belly Band for helping that pooch get back to where it belongs. Honestly, I did not expect the pooch to go down as fast as it has, but you won’t find me complaining about it either. I know that I’ll get back to where I was at some point. No working out/running for me until I get the okay from the doctor. Until then, I’m going to concentrate on trying to eat a little healthier now that I can tolerate more of the food that I couldn’t last week. Really, it’s like Xander ONLY wanted me to eat carbs, haha! I’ll get back into my running and workouts soon enough. No rush. It just helps that my overall mood right now that I am feeling better, even if it isn’t perfect. My little man is doing great as usual. He is still as sassy and loveable as ever and I cannot get enough of him. He had a great Easter and was spoiled and will be spoiled next week as well when we have a little Easter at our house with my mom, sister, and brother. It’s never ending fun around here! And here are my boys on Easter! My boys. I seriously cannot get over the fact that I now have children. Children. Two kids. Two boys. More than one. Crazy! Love it! Love them! Seriously though, are they not just the two cutest little guys you’ve ever seen! Biased, yes! My heart overflows! Feeling overly blessed! And here are a few pictures from Xander’s first photoshoot with mommy! He did great and slept through most of it, albeit it wasn’t very long. I wanted to do a quick one when we got home from the hospital, but that didn’t happen, so I had to wait to do a ‘one week old’ one, haha! Okay, so I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. He’s definitely in for it, haha! He’s donning the adorable hat and booties that my cousin, Amanda, made for him. Aren’t they seriously the cutest things you’ve ever seen! I cannot get over them! CIAO! LOVE ME!

{life as a family of four}

We are finishing up our first week as a family of four and I have to say that it has been nothing but perfect. Okay, I lie, there are definitely things that could be better... wonderful, yes, perfect, no. Like the fact that I'm still moving kind of slow, Xander cries when I change his diaper, I'm starting to feel a little sleep deprived, etc... but, you know what... life isn't EVER perfect, so all of those 'complaints' are totally and typically normal. I can't imagine our family without Xander now. He has fit in pretty seamlessly so far. Or as Ayden mentioned the night that we came home, 'Mom, things don't really seem that different.'

Physically wise I am doing probably as well as can be expected for just having an 8 lb 9 oz baby. The first few days I was in quite a bit of pain yet. Moving very slow, even to the point where I had to have Jay help me out of the hospital bed a few times. Now that we are five days out, I am feeling stronger and more like my old self again. I'm definitely still sore and moving slower than I would like, but each day gets a little bit better. The postpartum girdle that I got to help 'shrink' the left over baby pooch now fits and it has helped support my back quite a bit more than I thought it was going to which makes getting up and off things easier. (Although, I had my brother teasing me today that my grandpa is able to get up and around faster than I am. He's so nice... isn't he?!)

I am tired, but not nodding off during conversations yet. Yet. The sleep deprivation hasn't completely caught up with me, but I know that it is going to in the next few days probably. I have to say that I was full prepared to be up a lot more during the night with Xander than we have been. I also have to say that Jay has been amazing at helping out. Because we are bottle feeding, Jay is able to take at least one feeding during the night. And (knock on wood), Xander has gone back to sleep after his night time bottles pretty easily as well. Another plus, not having to get up every hour to two hours to go to the bathroom, haha! I am definitely enjoying that part! Also, the fact that I no longer have to use a bazillion pillows on the bed to feel comfortable. Our queen size bed feels ginormous now with all of the pillows gone. I really was hogging a lot of the bed during my pregnancy. Poor Jay!

Speaking of Jay... he has been amazeballs. I mean, I already knew that he was a great father. He has been since the moment that Ayden was born. There really was no question in my mind whatsoever that he would be great with Xander, but it has been SO long since I've seen him with a tiny one. And really, if you know Jay in real life, you know that he really isn't the mushy gushy show his loving feelings type (most of the time to people), and that he is more of a jokester. Let me tell you, he was SO cute in the hospital with Xander. He'll probably want to kill me for writing this, but he has no idea how much it warmed my heart to hear him talking with Xander while I was taking a bath and how he changed all but one diaper in the hospital and how he is being so great with him at home (even though he admitted to me last night that he's not a huge fan of the tiny baby stage). And of course, this momma's hormones are still flowing at an all time high.

Ayden has also been a great big brother so far! He loves to hold him and we've spent quite a lot of time just sitting together on the couch all cuddling together. Today we had Xander's first doctor's appointment for a jaundice level check and Ayden came along because he didn't have school. Well, at the appointment, the nurse had to prick Xander's heal and draw some blood to check his bili levels. Of course this meant that the tiny man wasn't too happy and was crying pretty loudly. I remember this with Ayden and Jay had accompanied me to that appointment as well. During that appointment this new momma was almost in tears. During this appointment, (Jay was along as well) and I held it together much better, but what surprised me the most was Ayden's reaction. He did NOT like it that they were making Xander cry and he was almost in tears himself. Well, that almost made me cry seeing him get so emotional about it. It was the cutest thing ever. Thankfully, we just got a call from the doctor and Xander's levels have gone down since his release from the hospital and he doesn't need any treatment for jaundice. Yeah!

On other Xander news, he did end up failing the hearing screening in his left ear, both times that they tested him. Of course the audiologist's son would fail his hearing screening in at least one ear. That just means we have to make another follow up appointment for retesting in a week or so. It is typical for newborns to fail their screenings for many reasons, so I am not worried that he has any hearing loss at this point. And honestly, even if he did have some in that ear, it's not a bad thing. It is something that we would totally work with.

I find that I could just sit and cuddle with the tiny man all day long and I am SO looking forward to enjoying these next weeks with him. I know that they are going to just fly by WAY too fast which is going to suck (although, admittedly, I do miss my patients to a certain extent as well) and that before I know it, I'll be headed back to work craving the weekends.

Our pup has taken to Xander pretty well. He definitely knows that he is around and has sniffed him quite a few times, but for the most part he just leaves him alone. The same thing kind of goes for the cat. Like I said, Xander just fits right in!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{birth story}

(Started on April 15th... finished on April 17th, you know... because with a new baby things never get done all at once anymore.)

I'm currently sitting in a ginormous hospital bed (like seriously, it's at least a full size bed, St. Elizabeth's doesn't mess around), next to the hubby who is munching on a cherry slushy, with the new babe sleeping away in his little bed right next to us. I guess it is no secret now that we are a family of four and we could not feel anymore blessed! Alexander, whom we are calling Xander, Paul was born yesterday on April 14 at 1:55pm. He weighed in at a hefty 8 lbs. 9 oz. and was 21.5 inches long and is honestly pure perfection.

We definitely didn't think that he would weigh more than his big brother, who weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz. at birth, but he surprised us all. I don't remember how long Ayden was when he was born, but I'm thinking he was probably a little shorter as well.

So, before I continue on and on about how much we are in love with the new tiny man that has invaded our lives, let's rewind a little bit and talk about his entrance into the world. FYI, because I'm definitely a detail person, this may be TMI for some people, but I will do my best to keep it not too graphic or gory.

My doctor and I had an induction date set for the 14th for some time. I was originally due on the 17th, but let's be honest here, I thought that 4-14-14 would make a pretty darn cool birthday and it worked out for my doctor and with Ayden and the dog, it kind of worked out best having something on the books because then we wouldn't have to scramble at the last minute for sitters and so forth. Of course, we knew that something may come up and he could make an appearance earlier, but he stayed put.

And you know, because I was saying it the entire pregnancy that we wouldn't have any bad weather because we were already in the middle of April, it snowed out the night before and our drive to the hospital on Monday morning was slower than normal. Seriously, Mother Nature is still being a hag! Can't she make up her mind as to what season she wants it to be right now? We had such great weather last week and this week it is cold again! We made it to the hospital only about five minutes later than I would have liked, but it was okay.

We checked in and made our way to the labor and delivery floor where we got settled in for the day. At my last doctor's appointment the Friday before, my doctor had said that I was about 3 cm dilated already and she wouldn't be surprised if she saw me in the hospital over the weekend ready to have a baby. Unfortunately, over the weekend I just continued to have irregular contractions that didn't really lead any where. By the time they got me all hooked up to the monitors on Monday morning, my nurse said that I was already contracting about every 6-8 minutes. I could feel them, but to me they just felt like the uncomfortable ones I'd been having for about a week by that point.

My doctor came in about an hour after we arrived and was going to start the induction process then, but when she checked me, she said that I had progressed to 4 cm dilated and that because my contractions were starting to come pretty regularly by then, albeit still not super close, that she was just going to break my water and see what that caused. If we could get things rolling without any extra intervention all the more better. She broke my water and there was definitely no turning back from that point. That certainly got things moving along!

It wasn't long after that that the contractions started to pick up! Going into the day I had every intention of getting an epidural. I don't remember the exact pain from Ayden's birth, but I know my body and my pain tolerance and like I said in my last post, it was something that I knew I was going to need in order to get through Xander's entrance into the world and I wasn't ashamed by that. After my doctor broke my water she said that I could pretty much get the epidural whenever because I was already dilated far enough for it, but I wanted to hold off a bit because I wanted to make sure that it didn't wear off before I actually to had push him out. I didn't want to feel that pain, haha! So, before requesting it, Jay and I walked around the halls just a bit to have gravity help things along. Because I was unaware of how big the actual labor and delivery floor was, we didn't walk too far or for too long outside of the room, but that was probably a good thing because by the time we got back to the room I had another huge gush of fluid and left a nice big puddle on the floor, haha! I know, another TMI moment. It was rather funny though! And then the contractions started to get pretty uncomfortable.

My water was broke around 8am, and around 10am I requested the epidural because the contractions were starting to get to the point where they weren't unbearable, but I knew that it was going to take some time to get the doctor in there to administer the epi. And I was right, because before I could get the epi, I needed a bag of fluid. It wasn't until about an hour and a half later that I got the epidural and by that point, boy was I ready for it! I labored through the contractions with the help of Jay. He was great at rubbing my back for me during them. Getting the epidural wasn't painful or anything for me. I was just ready for the pain relief at that point and when it kicked in, oh I was in heaven again, haha! After I got it and was more relaxed, the nurse checked me and I was already at a 7... and at this point it was just around noon.

It was maybe 45 minutes to an hour later when my doctor stopped back in to see how things were progressing and she checked me again and said that it was pretty much baby time. By this point I was no longer feeling any pain... just the pressure of the baby moving down. My doctor said that since I wasn't having any pain that she would let me 'labor down' for a little while yet while she finished up a meeting. She was back in about a half hour and it was go time!

At this point it was becoming real to me. We were about to have a baby! After nine long months my second son was about to enter the world! With Ayden I ended up pushing for about 2-2 1/2 hours and needed the vacuum assistance to help deliver him. I was worried that the same was going to happen with Xander and that the epidural was going to hinder my pushing abilities because I really couldn't feel the contractions coming. I could certainly feel his head getting lower, but it wasn't painful, so when I was pushing I didn't know if I was being effective or not. Apparently I was doing a good job though because everyone said I was. The situation/environment was so calm though... much calmer than I remember with Ayden, although when the vacuum is involved they often bring in a lot of other doctor's and nurses. This time it was just me, Jay, two nurses, my doctor, and a resident.

Unfortunately, as I was pushing, Xander's heart rate would drop and my doctor wanted to get him out asap. Thankfully when I wasn't having a contraction his heart rate went back to normal. She thought that maybe his cord was just getting compressed some as he was descending. It was just under a half hour after I started pushing that the tiny man entered the world and I couldn't believe it! He was beautiful!

There's a bit more to the story, but baby is calling!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{last day}

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Today marks the last day of me being pregnant and our last day as a family of three. Not that any of you know quite yet... Well I suppose that a few of you might already know, but we haven't told all that many people about our induction date, mostly just the important people that needed to know because of Ayden and the dog and then a few friends because we all know that I can't keep my mouth shut when I have exciting news. Hey, at least I haven't spilled the name yet and Jay already told his boss! Lol! I don't blame him. And if we are being honest, I did tell one of my patients, but she was from the Saukville office and I know she doesn't know any of my family to tell anyone else so the secret was safe with her.

Am I ready to be a mom to children and not just one child? I am not so sure about that right now. As much as I've wanted this pregnancy to fly by for the majority of it, here I sit the day before baby is most

likely going to be born (I say most likely because it totally could still happen today, but at this point I am not going to keep my hopes up) and I'm sort of freaking out a little bit. Oh, I am MORE than ready to have my body back, knowing full well that even the week or so after he is born is bound to have me. Of feeling normal yet, but it has been ten years since I've had a baby and what if I don't remember anything? Of course I've held babies in that time, but not often and typically not for long. It is definitely different when it is your own baby. I'm not in full on freak out mode though so that is good...right? Haha! I am very excited. 

The closer the time comes to tomorrow the more nervous I am becoming about the actual labor and delivery part though. It is something that I haven't been nervous about this entire pregnancy...knowing that I've survived it once before (who knows how, lol) and that my body knows what to do. I am not the 'hero' type and I fully intend on getting the epidural as soon as they will allow me. I don't like pain, I don't handle it well and I personally will find no gratification in trying to go natural. Props to those who can or want to and do, good for them. I don't judge their decisions and I hope they don't judge mine... Same goes for any other parenting technique. Everyone has something that works best for them and I say good for you! 

But before this turns into some sort of parenting post, back to the whole labor thing. Like I said, I am nervous about it, but I just try to keep thinking about the outcome of it all and that it will be worth it in the end. Plus, I'd like to think that I am at least just a tiny bit prepared because I've been having rather uncomfortable, sometimes take your breath away practice contractions for days now... To the point where I've wished they would become more consistent and painful to start the actual labor process. To no avail though. Although (and forewarning, this may be TMI for some) at my last doctor visit, my doctor did say that I had progressed from one centimeter dilated to about three and I was eighty percent thinned and that baby's head was pretty low (but I could have told her that because the pelvic pressure is insane right now) out so my body is headed in the right direction! That just means three less centimeters that I have to go before I get to see my new tiny man.

We are kind of soaking up our last day as a family of three. The weather has been pretty crappy this weekend, so we haven't been able to get outside really, but better now and this coming week when I probably won't want to go outside than this past week or the week after. This past week was actually pretty nice and there were several occasions when I just sat outside with Drake watching him play because it was so nice and I couldn't stand sitting inside any longer. We even took the plastic off of our windows finally and opened them up for a few hours each day. It definitely felt nice... Well as nice as it can feel at nine months pregnant, lol! 

This week was kind of the breaking point for me. I had intended on working through Thursday this week, but ended up having last week be my last week. I was in just too much pain by the end of the day, having contractions on my entire drive home (which is 45 minutes) and took almost five minutes to get from my car to inside the house when I got home because my hips hurt so bad. Side note,we have stairs that I need to climb to get in our house and that was super painful so that is why it took so long. Plus, mentally I was done. Literally every little thing was bothering me and my attitude was horrible. I felt bad for my coworkers having to deal with me, but per usual they were great! Miss them already and honestly, would I have been better physically and mentally this week I would have rather been at work because I enjoy it usually and the week just drug on by! I am ready to enjoy a few weeks off with the baby though!

Keep your eyes open for tiny man's birth story!

CIAO! LOVE ME

{36 weeks}

I am officially 36 weeks pregnant, which means 'full term' is just one week away... however, I think some studies have now proven that 'they've' changed full term to now be 39 weeks. In any case, baby boy can really make his appearance at any point now and it is kind of freaking me out some days. I think I'm most worried now about know that I am in actual labor and that maybe we should make our way to the hospital. With Ayden, my water just broke and I knew it was time to go in. I never experienced any contractions until they doped me up with the pitocin.

In the last week alone, Jay's cousin, my cousin, and a friend online have given birth to their little ones, and another friend is due in just about a week or two. Three new babies, with another one on the way and then our little guy. Of course that doesn't mean he is bound to cooperate and wait his turn, but certainly it has been exciting to hear about these new babies entering the world! Not going to lie, still often in awe at the fact that there is a tiny little human being growing away in my stomach and as uncomfortable as I am right now, I am secretly still enjoying the time that it is just the two of us. 

I certainly wish I could sit here and say that the weather has gotten better and that we are in full force spring mode around here, but unfortunately Mother Nature continues to be a hag and for the most part it is still cold and icky. It hasn't been uber cold, but it definitely isn't the spring warm up that everyone is waiting for. Two years ago during this time we had a week of glorious 70-80 degree weather! Oh how I wish that we could be experiencing that right now. It would probably help with my mood just a little bit... well probably a lot of people's moods. When it is cold out, no one wants to do anything and we have a lot of outside stuff that could/needs to be done. Slowly but surely the snow is melting, so that is a plus. I can see all of my driveway again. I'll take that, haha! I suppose it doesn't really matter that it isn't super warm out right now because I'm too lazy/uncomfortable to want to do anything outside anyways at this point.

Personally, I've been doing pretty well lately. 'Enjoying' the pregnancy aches and pains that have arrived in the last week or so. And by that, you know that I am not. But my overall demeanor/mood has been alright for the most part. I'm trying to look at the bright side of things for most of the time. I still don't feel up to doing a whole lot, but that is okay. Who does at this point in their pregnancy?  I'm still continuing to work and that is going well, for the most part. It is definitely more uncomfortable and I move a lot slower than I used to and my back hurts more by the end of the day, but overall, I think I prefer it to just sitting at home with nothing to do. Some days I wish I could just stay home though because I am definitely more tired and sleeping has become more difficult. I sleep in two hour stretches, get up, pee, and switch sides that I am laying on. I'd almost rather be up with a baby. Of course, ask me that in a few weeks, haha!

We are officially less than one month away from my due date which is exciting in and of itself. I've started to pack my hospital bag, but if I'm being honest, it doesn't have much in it. Maybe I'll have to get at that this weekend a little bit more. I've picked out baby's coming home outfit, so that is something, right?! 

Jay and I still haven't decided on a middle name. If I'm being honest here, I think his excitement about this new baby (well his outward excitement towards me) is less than lackluster. He is an amazing father, don't get me wrong. I know that he loves me, Ayden, and this new baby. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. I know that he will be a great father to this new baby as well, but for the majority of the pregnancy I feel like he's been kind of detached about it. Now that may come from the fact that he's not actually experiencing it. I can't really say. I know I've talked before about overall how helpful he has been throughout the pregnancy. Getting me things from the store. Doing stuff around the house, etc, etc, etc... It's more than appreciated. But the overall outward excitement just hasn't been there. And that is not to say that he isn't inwardly excited. It's all good. It will be all good. Just a few more weeks. I just need to keep telling myself that!

CIAO! LOVE ME!

{a few more weeks, or what seems like eternity at least to me}

I think I've officially entered into the third trimester state of miserableness. Most of my positivity has gone, and I like to generally think that I am a positive person. I've turned into a bitter negative Nancy. Okay, so it is not THAT horrible... I mean, I am having some good moments here and there. I have to say that overall things continue to progress as they should for the pregnancy with no complications or anything and everything that I am feeling at this point is totally normal, but I'm sure whining a lot (at least in my head and today on the blog). I was officially 34 weeks pregnant yesterday and man has it been a long 34 weeks so far. Well, I lie... the first six weeks were pretty awesome because I was still feeling normal and like myself and had a little secret and then when morning sickness hit... well, let's just say I've been waiting for baby to arrive since that point in time, haha!

I sit and think, wow, baby can potentially come anytime in the next three to six weeks and that really isn't all that much time. In all honesty, he could come at ANY time, but thus far I haven't had any signs of going into labor anytime soon. Granted, we're probably looking closer to the six week mark, but still. Six weeks is going to fly by (for most people)... At this point, time is pretty much standing still for me. Although, another work week has come and gone and I'm down to about a month of work left. I had my worst night of sleep so far in this pregnancy the other night. Or it should be considered lack of sleep. I ended up in bed around my normal time, which these days is 7:00pm and ended up sleeping pretty peacefully until about 10:00pm when Jay came to bed. I woke up and used the bathroom (per usual) and ended up back in bed wide awake with the worst reflux ever until about 2:00am. I could not get comfortable no matter what I tried and at this point I was using my pregnancy pillow (huge U-shaped pillow), three regular pillows under my head, and my straight body pillow under half of my back. I pulled out my phone and read for a while trying to make myself tired, tried to stave off tears of frustration as my legs were killing me as well, and just wanted to punch Jay because he was sleeping peacefully next to me and I didn't think that he should be, haha! I didn't actually punch him, but for a few minutes I wanted him to feel some of the miserableness I was feeling. I think it might be time to switch from the Tums that I have been relying on for heartburn and reflux to the Zantac that my doctor has mentioned during the last couple of appointments. Apparently even more than two Tums per day can increase your chances of having constipation. Not that you cared to know that. I'm taking four per day and well, haven't had any problems with that so far. Haha, once again, not that you cared to know that. See, I still have some humor in me. 

Feelings overall. I just overall don't feel good anymore. I know that it is par for the course these days as my body continues to grow the tiny man, but as I've said so many times in the past, it's not like I have to enjoy it. Feel grateful for it, yes, but enjoy it, not so much. I don't know how much bigger my stomach can get as I feel like I've already grown out of room. Most days I feel like I cannot breath deeply... please tiny man, drop soon, haha! 

Weight. I've stopped looking at the scale weeks, probably months ago, as I know that at this point I've gained more than I've wanted to this pregnancy; however, my doctor continues to report that weight gain looks good. I know that when I stepped on it the last time at home I was surprised by the number, but not mad about it. I accepted it. And seriously, I can still see some of my upper ribs, so really, I'm mostly baby and larger rear and thighs, hehe! When I look in the mirror I just see big. I don't see cute belly anymore. Instead my focus is on my ever expanding thighs and rear end region, as well as my noticeable decrease in bicep muscles. I have to admit that I was pretty proud of my arms pre pregnancy. Working out during pregnancy, whoever thought that that was a good idea?! Haha! If only! I'm at the point where I don't care about the number on the scale. It is going to continue to rise until baby comes, I've accepted that.

Stretch marks. Not even my concern anymore. Actually, they weren't really a concern in the first place. I had them prior to getting pregnant, so I knew they'd just darken up during the pregnancy and that there was a good chance I'd get more during pregnancy. I didn't mind them before. I had them prior to getting pregnant. I don't know if I've gotten anymore... I cannot see and I refuse to try and see in a mirror, lol! They won't ever go away. I was fine with them post Ayden... didn't stop me from wearing a bikini, won't stop me this time around. 

Baby movements. Still enjoying them most of the time, but becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Glad to know that he is still moving and grooving around in there though. Wouldn't change that for the world and it is definitely happening almost all day long. I swear that he knows when I am sitting down in the car on my drive to and from work because he tends to go crazy during those times. Makes driving slightly more uncomfortable than it was in the past. 

Work. It's going as well as can be expected at this point. I still enjoy seeing my patients and going to work each day definitely makes the days and weeks go faster than sitting at home because I am out doing something. I look forward to the weekends because it is two days off, but even then I'm not comfortable. I do have a 'nesting' list of things that I'd like to get done at home and would probably be more productive at if I had some extra time off, but there are still a few weekends that Jay and I can work together at getting things done. I don't particularly enjoy getting up in the morning and having to come to work. I'd much rather just sit at home and sleep all day, but we need the money. Darn those student loans! At this point, my last day of work will be April 10th. That is 23 more days... well actually it is 24, but I have one day off in there, and if we are being technical here, it is actually less than 23 because I have a few half days off due to weekly routine doctor appointments that were pre-scheduled before I started fulltime. In the grand scheme of things, it is not a lot of days left, but sometimes it feels like they could go on forever. And this is all pending I am still pregnant that long. (So far all signs point to yes, I will be.)

Pelvic pressure. Baby seems to have semi dropped in the last day or so. I am definitely feeling more pressure down under when I am up and walking around and it is not comfortable. Waddle much?! Is anything comfortable at this point? I'm kind of hoping that as he descends lower, I'll be able to breath easier and the heartburn and/or reflux won't be as bad, but so far, either he's not low enough yet or I'm just so small that he takes up all of the space no matter what. All I know is that the Tums I'm taking after lunch and supper just aren't cutting it as much anymore. And to make matters worse, I can barely cross my legs anymore and I certainly can't do it without having to pull one over the other. Someone knock me out and wake me up when it's time to have this baby.

Congestion. My nose is constantly plugged up at this point, except for about an hour or so after my shower. I'm a nose breather. It sucks. Especially since when I try and blow it, I'm also trying not to pee myself and nothing actually comes out of my nose. I know, so funny, haha! I've worn a breathe right strip on my nose to bed consistently for the last several weeks and it seems to help until about 2 or 3 in the morning when it starts to peel off. Only problem with that is that it is something adhesive stuck to my skin for hours on end every night, which means my nose is often red and dry looking these days when I'm not wearing any makeup. Just recently I found a different device at the store that you put up in your nose to help with congestion and it does help, once again, until about 2 or 3 in the morning, but it isn't exactly the most comfortable thing to wear. I suppose it just takes some getting used to.

The lists of negatives can go on and on. I can find just about anything to complain about these days. But all in all, I know that we are nearing the end, baby needs to cook for just a little bit longer, and as much as I haven't necessarily enjoyed being pregnant, the end result is SO worth all of the discomforts I have been experiencing and because we don't know if this will be our last baby or not, I am (as much as it may not seem like it in my blog posts) trying to enjoy some of it, even if that some is mostly just the baby moving around inside of me, or having the hubs cook me supper more often, or having my little man be a little more caring (because at 9 1/2 he sometimes thinks he's too big to cuddle with his mama). Sidenote, you should have seen us on the couch last night. I was propped up with pillows, Ayden was cuddling next to me with a big blanket and Drake, the one who continues to think he's a lap dog comes right on over and tries to snuggle up in my non occupied arm half on my belly. It was a sight and I loved it!

CIAO! LOVE ME!  

{where have i been?}

It is certainly taking more motivation to get anything done these days as all I want to do is try and be comfortable... which is near impossible right now. I'll take it. The end is in sight. I'll get there. In the mean time, there is a lot that I want to get done and probably a few things that need to get done that just aren't. I'm lacking motivation on just about every front. I don't cook for my family anymore. Hell, I hardly ever cook for my family, haha! But seriously, mine and Ayden's weekend meals have typically been the same for the last couple of weeks and even the during the week ones that Jay has been making are less than stellar. I'm ready for life to return to 'normal' per say when it comes to a nightly routine. Right now Jay is still helping coach wrestling, Ayden has wrestling practice two nights a week, Jay has bowling one night a week, I don't get home until late, and Jay is gone most of Saturday and pretty useless on Sundays. I'm ready for wrestling to be over, our weekends to be ours again since I feel like we went from a super busy summer schedule of weekends to wedding, to fall super busy weekends, to winter with wrestling... etc etc etc... I want just a month or so of weekends where my ENTIRE family is home with nothing going on. No sporting events, no parties, no helping anyone, no work, etc... just laziness and/or getting stuff done around the house. I'll get maybe one or two and then Jay will have to start working weekends again. It sucks. I hate it. I hate it more now because I'm hormonal. I can say that because I'm pregnant. Blame it on the baby, ha! In any case, I'm just ready for winter and all of these extras to be over. I'm done. And while we're at it, I want my body back. Lol, just had to add that in there, you know, in case you didn't already know that.

Overall, life has been bearable lately. Nothing overly exciting going on. You know, besides continuing to grow a human in my belly. Still working full time. Ready for maternity leave. It's a struggle to get up each morning now and get ready for work. I'm so over it. I love seeing my patients, don't get me wrong. But I'm tired all of the time. It's a long day. Jay and Ayden are great. I feel like I've been saying the same things over and over in my posts lately. I probably have been. Ain't much exciting going on because I haven't been doing much. I work, I come home, I go to bed, I repeat. On the weekends I don't shower, stay in sweats and an oversized sweatshirt, and don't leave the house unless absolutely necessary and then when I do, I rarely change. It's winter, people can't seen my unwashed hair under a hat or my sweatshirt under my coat and I'm wearing boots. Okay, so maybe I change from sweats to yoga pants before venturing out. And when I venture out, it's really only to Walmart. I mean come on, it's just Walmart. Haha! Actually, I'd go just about anywhere in my get up because I honestly just don't care what people think at this point just so long as I'm comfortable. My cute maternity clothes... yeah, their cute and becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Ugh, how many more weeks of work do I have left?! Too many!

I was quite productive last weekend though. I made some curtains for the baby's room, framed some prints, got the bedding out of the bags and started to put it on the bed, started sorting some clothes. Baby's room is a complete disaster right now, but we've got time yet, right?! Less time than yesterday (yeah) and more time than tomorrow (boo). Trying to add some humor in there somewhere. Each day that passes brings me one day closer to having baby in my arms and each day that passes means baby has had that one extra day to grow. I'm a part of a pregnancy group on facebook and through the grace of the women in this group, I've really learned to cherish each and every day that baby is still cooking, despite any discomfort that I may be feeling. You all know me well enough that I don't like to sugarcoat things. I'm not the type of person who is going to sit here and say 'oh yes, I'm feeling great today at 32 weeks pregnant' when that is not the truth, but just because I may not be enjoying it, doesn't mean I don't cherish it or want it or that I somehow take it for granted because I know that being able to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and have a healthy pregnancy is really a blessing. That being said, like I mentioned before, it doesn't mean I have to actually enjoy it or pretend like I do. Prior to this pregnancy, I was all about having three or four kids. Now... now I think we'll be okay with just two. At least at this point in time I don't forsee myself wanting to go through this again.

On a different somewhat brighter note... we've had two consecutive days of good weather. And by good weather I mean upper 30s, low 40s. I realize that that is just above freezing, but people, it feels GREAT outside and that does wonders for my mood! Unfortunately, the weather people are calling for some more craptastic winter icy crap tomorrow and then another colder spell next week, but even two good days helps! Plus, we are nearing the end of February which means we are closer to March and in March we will hopefully have consistent good days. And people, best part of all is that it is still light out when I leave work at 5pm! Still daylight! Sun still shining! No headlights needed! Try to wipe that smile off of my face, ha! It's the little things that matter to this preggo right now. The little things!

And P.S. I just counted and there are only 36 more work days until I start my maternity leave. (I've decided my last day will be the Friday before my due date.) Totally do-able, right?! 

CIAO! LOVE ME! 

{woman's best friend}

I think I get it now. That whole man's best friend thing when it comes to dogs. I mean, I grew up with a dog... kind of. We had a dog for quite a number of years while living at my mom's house. An Australian Shepard named Misty. I loved the dog, but I don't think I really loved her. She wasn't really my dog per se, but I think most of the family fancied her. It was definitely sad to hear when she had to be put down because of age, but because I had been out of the house for a few years by that point it wasn't horrible. Does that sound bad? I wasn't too upset at that time. I still considered her a dog. Not a family member.

When we decided to take the leap into dog ownership I didn't know how it would overall affect our family. I mean, Jay knew that he wanted a dog, Ayden was just going to get surprised with a dog, and I wasn't quite so sure at that point in time. So, we got the dog. We named him Drake, and he slowly started to bond with us and we sort of kind of fell in love with him.

It's been almost three months since we've gotten him and I know it was the right decision. He just somehow fits into our family like he's always been there. Of course I still get upset with him. He's a dog, not a human. He's going to do things that I don't think. We are still in the training and puppy stage. I get it.

I've always liked dogs in general. You know, you'd go over to someone's house that has a dog and love on it for a bit, but it's definitely not the same as having your own. I see things now that I didn't see before. For example, when I go to other people's houses and their dogs jump up on me... um, cute for two seconds, then annoying. When I go to our house and Drake wants to be all up in my face, it's more cute than annoying. Maybe cute for five seconds, haha! Actually, we are really trying to work on the jumping thing with the impending arrival of the new baby. Drake's still a puppy, so I know it will take a little while yet. But I can see the annoyance in other people's faces when they come over to our house and Drake it all up in their business. They don't try and show it, but I know they'd rather not have the dog all over them. I get it because I don't want their dog all over me either.

Yes, Drake does get super excited still when new people come over. He likes strangers. He's all hyper and what not. Of course we can get him hyper as well, but he's got some good doggy intuition too. He's pretty chill and mellow for the most part when it's just us at home. He knows that mommy appreciates the extra snuggles right now. It's gone from him snuggling on me in the beginning when he was nice and tiny, to mostly snuggling next to me right now... with his head resting on the baby bump. That is our bonding time, just laying together on the couch.  He's definitely more active and hyper with Ayden. They are the play buddies. For whatever reason, just having him next to me to pet seems to help ease some of the discomfort that I am typically feeling at this point in the pregnancy. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I think he'll always be a couch dog now and that's okay with me. We have a nice big sectional, so there is plenty of space for both him and myself to stretch out right now and as we both get larger for the time being.

I definitely look forward to seeing what adventures lie ahead for our family and the pup! It's definitely going to be an interesting summer... that's for sure!

CIAO! LOVE ME!