Real life ‘Jack’ is gone.

I was doing so good, and then I had a dream, a dream I wish I wouldn’t have dreamt because, UGH, it brought to mind things I’ve been working on so hard pushing away.

The truth is, I’ve been feeling kind of isolated as of late. I’m not an extrovert by any means and my circle of friends (especially those close friends) is rather small, very small. Smaller than maybe I’d care to admit.

Maybe its the fact that people grow up and grow apart?! I have quite a few friends, but at this point, only one that I would pick up the phone and call in a crisis I need a friend moment. :(

I credit the the distance between one of my friends and myself due to the different directions we are headed in life and the different outlooks we have. One can only listen to constant pessimism for so long before it gets annoying that nothing you say will change that pessimism. And due to the fact that you’re only ‘needed’ when the situation or timing calls for it. It’s sad, it bugs me, but its a chronic circle that I need to get myself out of. I’ve tried over and over to change the dynamics of the friendship by open communication and what not, but nothing changes. So alas, I’m doing what’s best for me, or so I hope.

But what has been bothering me the most these past few days is the fact that I’ve ‘lost’ my real life ‘Jack’. ‘Jack’ being the made up ‘go to’ guy from grade school with all of my problems. The one I would to in my journals during high school, the one who would ‘help’ me solve my problems. And then I ‘found’ a real life ‘Jack’ and couldn’t have been happier. Someone who would actually respond to what I had to say and in an open and honest way. I valued the friendship we had above all the other ones. It was that open and honest communication that we had going on that was so great. If I got pissed, I’d let them know and vice versa. It was great to know that no matter what I had going on in life, I could go to that person and vent about it, get advice on it, etc…

And through some extenuating circumstances that were beyond my control, I don’t have that anymore. I haven’t had that for months and it hurts. It hurts because my friend said nothing would ever change our friendship, EVER! And I believed them! But beyond all of that, I really just miss my friend, having someone to tell anything and everything to no matter what it is.

Of course I can and do tell everything to Jay and despite him listening to it all, I don’t think he gets it all. It’s not that I think he doesn’t care because I know he does, but I know he doesn’t care about the same things I do, the same as I don’t care about everything that he cares about. But sometimes you just need to unload on a friend. And right now, I don’t feel like I have that. It makes me sad. :( Boo!

What’s a girl to do?

CIAO! LOVE ME!