Lost

I’ve been feeling kind of down these last few days and I know of at least one reason that is probably exacerbating that feeling, which would be the soon arrival of my friend. Each month, a few days before it arrives, I notice myself not acting like myself… damn women hormones, lol!

But, I’ve also been sitting at home like a hermit and that doesn’t really help the situation. The more I think about it, the more I realize that those I’ve called my best friends over the past few years, really do not fall into that category anymore. I don’t have one person that I feel like I could pick up the phone and just talk for hours with. I cannot put the blame of this situation upon anyone, but mostly myself. I tend to internalize everything and so those super close friendships definitely don’t come easy for me. Thus… my blog. But the two friends that I did consider those pick up the phone on a spur of the moment type deal have sort of disappeared. One really disappeared all together and I haven’t heard from them in almost six months to which really lies heavy on my heart since we were so close. (But that’s a whole other story). The other one… I just feel us drifting towards different things in life and when things are going good for them, I don’t hear from them, but when life gets bad or doesn’t go their way, then I’m the ‘go to’ person. In that instance, it doesn’t bother me so much that the friendship has gone to the wayside.

Of course I have other friends, ones that I email now and then, talk to on facebook here and there, occasionally hang out with, but these aren’t the type of friends that I’d feel comfortable with just picking up the phone and telling them all about a good or bad day, you know?

What I missed most over the course of winter break was the socialization I got while in school. Because whether or not I’d like to admit it, I hardly EVER socialize out of school. I don’t go out to the bars, which SO many of the people my age do, so its hard to find someone who enjoys a night in with my kid in tow just sitting and catching up. So, what I’m looking forward to the most in the next few weeks is being able to talk to my classmates and have that adult conversation. I’ve missed it!

As much as I want to start school again, for the sake of having something to do, I’m also starting to feel some apprehension about it as well. I know that I will be able to make it through the semester with the help of my supervisor and first year friends, I’m still apprehensive about actually starting it.

I was pretty nervous about starting my first semester of school, thinking so much more was going to be expected of us being grad students and what not and actually, they kind of to expect a lot of us. I just thought I wouldn’t feel it again this semester. We have one of the same professors as last semester (who also happens to be my supervisor this semester), one professor who’ve we also had before and I think will be okay with just the three of a students, one that I had as a guest lecturer in class who I think will be a good teacher, and one that I don’t know yet in a class that I’m not really looking forward to.

I think what I want most is the routine that the semester will bring. Of course I loved having a little over a month off to not worry about school/homework/clinic, but I don’t work very much during the week 10-12 hours (could have worked more over break if they’d had the work, but generally I get everything done pretty quickly and thus they didn’t have anything extra that needed to get done) and so I was left with a lot of free time. I definitely enjoyed it at first and got a lot of reading done which felt really great, but now I’m wanting something to fill up my days with. And the fact that it’s winter and cold out just makes me more itchy to get back into a routine.

In the summer when Ayden and I are home for the majority of the day, we fill up our days with being outside and enjoying the good weather… beach time, bike time, park time, walking through the woods time, etc… I don’t like being outside in the winter. And the fact that it gets dark so early is definitely a big bummer too, makes me not want to do anything for the rest of the day either!

I came to many of these realizations yesterday while I was sitting on the couch in a not so good mood. I’ve felt more positive about things today and got out of the house for a bit this morning to run some errands and we are getting out again tonight to go the Y to work out and then go swimming. I want to try and go to the Y three times a week. We’re paying for the membership and we haven’t been using it so I told Jay I was going to either cancel it or we needed to give it a serious effort and go. We’re going to give it one more month and see how it goes. Hopefully good because I’ve heard that working out makes people feel better… more energy etc… I hate working out, but I think I need to get motivated a little bit and moving around more and that might help me get out of my funk. Who knows?!

CIAO! LOVE ME!