Can I Cry?!

It's a morning of wanting to cry. Not so upset that I actually will cry, but I feel like I could. I thought I could get past the whole World of Warcraft game thing, but it's hanging on by every thread that it can. Jay came to bed at 3am last night, or more correct this morning. Now, he's an adult, he can come to bed whenever he wants. He knows he has to get up for work in the morning. So whatever, still I can't get over the fact that he would rather play his stupid game than spend time with me. And since I woke up when he came to bed and saw the time, I was pissed and couldn't get back to sleep until after 5am. I was so close to going out to sleep on the couch because I didn't want to be near him. And he knew I was mad. He told me he had to talk to me about something that had happened on his game in the morning. I was like whatever, don't really care about ANYTHING that has to do with your game. So this morning he tells me what happened last night. Some person in their little group of imaginary characters was being pretty mean and they kicked him out. He proceeded to write Sam this nasty email of which she got really upset about and Jay had to spend all night trying to console her. Well as I so told him... it's not so hard to say, listen up people, I have to get going because I want to spend time with my family and I was pretty sure she wasn't on the phone crying at 10pm when I went to bed. From 8pm until 3pm he was playing that stupid game... that's almost as long as he worked yesterday!!! I don't have a problem with him consoling a friend, but if he would WANT to spend time with me, he wouldn't have been stuck in that situation because he wouldn't have even been on the fucking computer. One other thing that is sort of bugging me is what he told me the other day. He told me that he talked to Sam (alls fine with that), but I'm pretty sure he said that she called him. Now I can't be sure on this, but when I checked his phone, yes I had to be sure, he called her. What's up with that?! But maybe I just can't remember correctly or maybe he just said that they talked.

The really mean part of me wants to text her saying that while she was belly aching about thinking she was a bad mother (because of the rude email she recieved) she really was making Jay be a bad boyfriend. But I can't make myself do that because first it is mean and secondly it is bound to get back to Jay and that will make things even worse between us. So, for right now I will just leave it be. I really just wish that he would WANT to spend time with me and not feel obligated to when I get upset that he is on the computer. I want him to WANT to spend time with me, but not to just do it to make me feel happy. I want him to WANT to be with me, and not just to get a piece of ass. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't 'use' me like that, however sometimes when he does come to bed 'early' I assume right away that he has ulterior motives rather than just wanting to be with me. Maybe if he wouldn't let me go to bed alone so many nights in a row it wouldn't be like that.

And along with that wanting... I wish he would WANT to do things with Ayden and not feel obligated to because Ayden asks. I want Jay to WANT to take Ayden outside and play some golf or what not, but it's always me coming up with things to do with Ayden and then trying to drag Jay along. I know that some days after long hours working you just want to sit down and relax and having a child doesn't always allow you to do it, but aren't your kids supposed to come first? Like, I know what it feels like to just want Ayden to leave me alone for a few minutes, and I'm sure any parent does, but the vibe of 'I HAVE to do this' comes off from Jay more than the 'I WANT to do this'. And then here I sit thinking, am I making him sound like a bad father? He's not a bad father, but he's not as involved as I would like him to be either. At least not on the aspect that I want I guess.

So, I got a letter from Lee today... FINALLY! And he is going to call me tonight. It makes me feel good because then at least I will have someone to talk to about it all because Niki is too into her own problems to even ask how things are going with me. But then again, that is usually the way things go between us because even when things were good for her, it was still all about her. Like, thanks for asking how my day was or how Jay or Ayden are. The center of my life, Ayden, and you can't even simply ask how he is. Yet I spend hours upon hours listening to your stories over and over. Well, I could be self absorbed and just start talking about me, but you know what happens, because I've tried this, she interupts with something about her life and takes it from there. Guess I'm better suited for listening then... and thus is what I will continue to do.

Guess I will write more later on how the rest of the day goes and whether or not Jay and I even talk when he gets home. Who knows? CIAO! LOVE ME!