All over the place...

My Tuesday morning started off with a trip to the dentist... 7am, bright and early! And it only got better when they said my teeth looked great and I had no cavities. Of course I got the whole flossing thing is really good for your teeth, but seriously, I bed a majority of people don't even bother with that part. Can't really say, except that it's not at the top of my to do list every morning. I sleep as long as I can and get done what I need to as fast as I can. Adding flossing into the mix surely wouldn't throw a wrench into everything, but it would add a few extra minutes. Who knows, maybe I will give it a try. Lol!

The rest of my day has been going pretty good as well. Work has been kind of slow lately since we got all of the packets together for the ETP classes. Leaves me with a whole lot of nothing to do. Here and there my boss asks me to do things. I like it being more laid back than the last few weeks, but having a bunch of stuff to do is what kept the time moving while I was there. I've been finding little odds and ends to do as well to keep me more occupied. I could so totally have worked on some therapy stuff today had I not left my therapy binder at home this morning. I was not thinking and only grabbed what I thought I would need for today, which was one notebook and really that is all that I needed, but I wish I would have grabbed my therapy stuff as well so I could have made some better use of my time while at work.

Anywhoo, there isn't a lot that I need to change anyways so that is okay. Short time tonight and everything will be fine. I need to find some extra minutes to meet with my supervisor to work on some progress notes for my client. Finding extra time is the easiest thing in the world for me right about now. Also, normally I turn in my clinic work on Friday mornings for the following Monday, but I talked to my supervisor about this week because I will be gone Friday and she asked if I could possibly get my materials in later Thursday. Hmm... I told her that I could probably do that. With the way that things are going at work, I could probably get my self eval done while I am there and then it is just a matter of interpreting the data and getting another lesson plan written up. Well, I could write the lesson plan earlier and in fact I already have some ideas set up for that, so that will not be taking all that long. It looks to be a pretty easy week this week. YEAH!

I totally remember that we have swimming lessons tonight. I cannot forget for the second week in a row, especially since swimming lessons is only six weeks long. As it stands, I am paying about $10/session for the five remaining ones. Kind of a rip off if you ask me, but the Y's pool is super warm and I know that Ayden will enjoy it and that is all that matters to me. He slept until I left this morning which was a bummer because I didn't get to see him all that much, but I let him know that I would be picking him up from daycare and he was okay with that. Normally I drop him off on Tuesday mornings as well, but today because of my dentist appointment I couldn't.

So, I've been avoiding posting about some stuff that has been floating around in my head for the past couple of days now. It's thoughts that in any 'normal' journal I'd would pour out fully and completely because no one but me would see it... but because people I know read this blog, I fear that I shouldn't because I don't want them to think differently of me. However, I shouldn't be worried about people's perception of me, I should just be me and that's that. They can deal with it... But then again, it's maybe these people that I should be telling my story to and getting advice from. Can you tell I'm still avoiding the subject...

It has to do with my relationship with Jay. There, I said it... He'd probably freak if he knew I was writing this because he really doesn't it like it when I write about him to the whole world. I don't care... other people are willing to share about the ups and downs of their lives and really, I want to so whatever to him. Anyways, if you'd ask him, he would probably say that our relationship is perfect. Okay, not perfect, can anything ever be perfect (except our children!)? But that it was good. He wouldn't acknowledge the big elephant in the room that is keeping us from really committing to each other. But here's the thing, lately I've been thinking a lot about the future and how much I really want that final commitment. I find ups and downs to every angle I look at. I see it as a positive if Jay and I were to stay together because Ayden would definitely benefit from having his parents together. I grew up with my parents being divorced and even though they didn't fight and there was no huge custody battle, at some point it started to wear on me going back and forth every week. By the end of high school I was pretty much living out of a duffle bag because I would bring my favorite clothes back and forth with me. I don't know, unless you've lived it, you probably can't completely get it. So, on that aspect, Ayden growing up in one household would be better than in two. Also, I love Jay's family... both sides. I cannot fathom not being connected to them in some way. Five years is quite the time to build a bond. And on a humorous note, I could not imagine not getting Grandma Hoerth cake a few times a year (because there are so many Hoerth's, wedding are in abundance, lol). But on the other hand, I think... well Jay has been my only really serious boyfriend, what if there is someone better out there for me. Now, I'm not saying that Jay isn't good enough for me, but if you believe in soul mates, what if he's not exactly mine? I also feel that because we got pregnant so early in our relationship, it kind of 'forced' us to stay together. Now I'm not saying that we were literally forced to stay together, but we were so young and really new in our relationship that we just did stay together. Nothing was making us pull apart and really we wanted to be together. I feel that had we not had Ayden we would have went to different schools and in the end broken up. Here I wonder sometimes who else could be out there and all of the other what ifs and what nots. And not only does it worry me because I feel like I shouldn't be doing this, but I also feel guilty because I think Jay thinks we are fine.

Our big elephant has to do with a friend of mine that he ABSOLUTELY HATES, DISPISES, insert your own word of choice here, etc... I cannot remember how much of this I have talked about in the past and I am not going to go through my old posts to find out. So bear with me and/or stop reading if you would like... this friend of mine happens to be male and someone who I had a not so good history with, but over the course of the past few years and grown to become one of my dearest friends. Here's another dilemma... Jay's optimum choice would be that I never speak to my friend again, cut him out of my life completely. I semi understand his reasoning for this. My optimum choice would be for Jay to accept my friend and for everything to be kosher. I've discussed with Jay that I will not take our relationship to the next step (ie: getting married) until he can accept this friend as part of my life and not get upset about it. One of the main reasons Jay and I argue is about my friend. Jay comes back and says that if I wanted our relationship to work I would do what was best for it and get rid of my friend. In the middle of an argument a few weeks ago with Jay, I finally was so fed up with our arguing that I told him I would just stop talking to my friend for a while and see how things went. I told my friend I couldn't do this fighting anymore and was just so sick of it and needed to try and do what was best for my relationship. Because my friend is so understanding and great he told me that even though he didn't like my decision, he was supportive of it because he only wanted me to be happy. Okay, so Jay was happy, but I was upset. I tried to do what was best for my relationship, but I was losing one of my closest friends because of it. And then when I sit and think about it, I feel so selfish for even considering keeping my friend if getting rid of him would save my relationship, but I also feel so cheated because shouldn't I think about what I want as well. I hate the whole situation! I've even talked with my friend about how both of our lives would be easier if we just cut contact with each other, but that is easier said than done!

So here I sit... wondering what the future holds and if I am doing the right thing with anything. There are so many external variables that need to be considered and then there is this thing called my heart and what it is feeling, yet I have my brain yelling to do the logical thing.

Sorry if none of this makes sense... I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, it makes sense to me and it helped.

CIAO! LOVE ME!